stiles trusts him, but derek doesn't understand why. he's come close to understanding, he thinks, and whenever he's had a moment alone in the darkness of the barracks or in the already distant safety of his assigned housing, his thoughts have so often drifted back to stiles in an effort to examine and re-examine what they are to each other.
but he doesn't understand. he doesn't understand how in two short years, he managed to trick stiles into thinking of him as a better man than he is. he doesn't understand what he possibly could have done to make stiles ever believe he was worth relying on. there's so much he doesn't understand.
subconsciously, stiles has been making derek feel as if there's hope for him. if he can grow - genuinely grow - into a person worth trusting, worth relying on, then it wouldn't be a hard leap to say that he succeeds as an alpha. that in stiles' timeline, he's worked his fingers to the bone to protect himself and his pack, he's latched onto the security and the safety he found in them, he's trained his betas to learn how to fight, and it's all just - worked. he's made himself a better man than his uncle ever was, and he has a pack full of people who respect him as much as stiles seems to now. there's a grain of hope in him, built on nothing but vague justifications and theorizing on why stiles is so okay with him, that his pack is healthy and happy and stable. that erica's alive, thriving. that boyd's confident and outgoing, like he always wanted to be. that isaac's strong. that scott is a part of it, having realized that derek only wants the best for him.
evidence, history, circumstance. stiles has been showing derek, over these past couple of weeks, that he's better in 2013 than he is in 2011. succeeding as an alpha is the only way that derek believes he can be better. his pack is supposed to be his redemption for what he did to his family, after all.
but. ]
Stiles.
[ but he doesn't understand, and he doesn't believe that things could ever go that well for him, and his fingers still feel so warm sometimes, coated in the phantom red of his uncle's blood. he wants to be a good alpha - he wants to be a great alpha - but he knows, genuinely knows, that that's not who he is. he can't lead, he can't think. he feels like he's constantly drowning, trying to be better than he is, trying to fight against rising tides. it was almost poetically literal that he would end up paralyzed in twelve feet of water the second he tried to solve a problem he himself created. he doesn't know how to do this. ]
Stiles - I'm still an Alpha.
[ and if he's not going to be a good alpha, then he's going to be a bad one. ]
I don't know what happens in these next two years. I don't know how you and I get... better. But...
[ but peter killed people. peter would have killed everyone connected to the fire, and then he would have killed more. that's the alpha that derek is afraid of becoming, and even if he trusted himself not to one day turn into that - he started that fire. he broke his family's trust, and if he doesn't even understand how he earned stiles', how can he believe that he won't break his, too? ]
I just killed Peter. I slashed his throat, and I stole his power, all while Scott begged me not to. Now, Scott hates me. He thinks I'm just... that I'm using Boyd and Erica and Isaac the exact same way Peter tried to use him. And you - you saw what Peter was like. He was a fucking monster. He trapped you in your school in the middle of the night, he terrorized you, he-- mauled that bus driver, he tore Laura in half.
[ derek shakes his head. his mouth is dry, his throat is sore. he's not... saying no, it's just... he doesn't believe stiles fully understands what he's asking for. he takes a few steps, closer to stiles, and when he raises his hand, ready to set it on stiles' shoulder, it occurs to him for the hundredth time what a surreal experience this really is. trying to protect stiles, of all people. trusting him as much as he is, even though he knows that he shouldn't and refuses to accept that he does. ]
I'm not a good person. I'm an Alpha, just like my uncle. That makes me dangerous, especially to humans. If you give me this much power over you, how can you possibly be sure that I won't abuse it?
no subject
stiles trusts him, but derek doesn't understand why. he's come close to understanding, he thinks, and whenever he's had a moment alone in the darkness of the barracks or in the already distant safety of his assigned housing, his thoughts have so often drifted back to stiles in an effort to examine and re-examine what they are to each other.
but he doesn't understand. he doesn't understand how in two short years, he managed to trick stiles into thinking of him as a better man than he is. he doesn't understand what he possibly could have done to make stiles ever believe he was worth relying on. there's so much he doesn't understand.
subconsciously, stiles has been making derek feel as if there's hope for him. if he can grow - genuinely grow - into a person worth trusting, worth relying on, then it wouldn't be a hard leap to say that he succeeds as an alpha. that in stiles' timeline, he's worked his fingers to the bone to protect himself and his pack, he's latched onto the security and the safety he found in them, he's trained his betas to learn how to fight, and it's all just - worked. he's made himself a better man than his uncle ever was, and he has a pack full of people who respect him as much as stiles seems to now. there's a grain of hope in him, built on nothing but vague justifications and theorizing on why stiles is so okay with him, that his pack is healthy and happy and stable. that erica's alive, thriving. that boyd's confident and outgoing, like he always wanted to be. that isaac's strong. that scott is a part of it, having realized that derek only wants the best for him.
evidence, history, circumstance. stiles has been showing derek, over these past couple of weeks, that he's better in 2013 than he is in 2011. succeeding as an alpha is the only way that derek believes he can be better. his pack is supposed to be his redemption for what he did to his family, after all.
but. ]
Stiles.
[ but he doesn't understand, and he doesn't believe that things could ever go that well for him, and his fingers still feel so warm sometimes, coated in the phantom red of his uncle's blood. he wants to be a good alpha - he wants to be a great alpha - but he knows, genuinely knows, that that's not who he is. he can't lead, he can't think. he feels like he's constantly drowning, trying to be better than he is, trying to fight against rising tides. it was almost poetically literal that he would end up paralyzed in twelve feet of water the second he tried to solve a problem he himself created. he doesn't know how to do this. ]
Stiles - I'm still an Alpha.
[ and if he's not going to be a good alpha, then he's going to be a bad one. ]
I don't know what happens in these next two years. I don't know how you and I get... better. But...
[ but peter killed people. peter would have killed everyone connected to the fire, and then he would have killed more. that's the alpha that derek is afraid of becoming, and even if he trusted himself not to one day turn into that - he started that fire. he broke his family's trust, and if he doesn't even understand how he earned stiles', how can he believe that he won't break his, too? ]
I just killed Peter. I slashed his throat, and I stole his power, all while Scott begged me not to. Now, Scott hates me. He thinks I'm just... that I'm using Boyd and Erica and Isaac the exact same way Peter tried to use him. And you - you saw what Peter was like. He was a fucking monster. He trapped you in your school in the middle of the night, he terrorized you, he-- mauled that bus driver, he tore Laura in half.
[ derek shakes his head. his mouth is dry, his throat is sore. he's not... saying no, it's just... he doesn't believe stiles fully understands what he's asking for. he takes a few steps, closer to stiles, and when he raises his hand, ready to set it on stiles' shoulder, it occurs to him for the hundredth time what a surreal experience this really is. trying to protect stiles, of all people. trusting him as much as he is, even though he knows that he shouldn't and refuses to accept that he does. ]
I'm not a good person. I'm an Alpha, just like my uncle. That makes me dangerous, especially to humans. If you give me this much power over you, how can you possibly be sure that I won't abuse it?