it's like a punch in the face, a kick to the stomach, and it shouldn't be because derek doesn't owe him anything. it's not even about stiles, it's about derek, and stiles' burning need to make sure someone has derek's back, always. it's an old instinct, one he hasn't really felt in a while, not since stiles almost, almost forgot about scott in favor of staying with derek. when derek was bleeding out, because he hopped out of the van first, instead of stiles. an instinct that kicked back in the moment derek nearly sent him sprawling face first into an icy sidewalk.
but derek says "but" and stiles has to work to not drown out the rest because he doesn't want to hear it, cutting his eyes away sharply and rolling his head subtly with all the disappointment he's trying to hold back. yes or no, he said. no excuses, no explanations for why or why not, no buts. stiles doesn't want to know all the reasons he isn't good enough for derek to even consider it, all the places he's failed.
stiles just wants to - walk out. he wants to pretend this didn't happen at all, that he didn't just put everything he's been fighting against aside, just have it be meaningless. he wants to just turn around and walk out and find somewhere derek isn't and won't be.
but derek is still talking, and as much as stiles doesn't want to hear his excuses, he's still too curious for his own good. he's still unwilling to walk away, because he did that to derek once already, even if the circumstances then were gravely different from now.
it's not anything stiles is expecting to hear, and it's clear by the look on his face, the more and more derek goes on. he's already shaking his head before derek's even halfway through his reasoning, small and subtle, but in obvious disagreement with everything derek's said so far. he wants to interrupt, but he bites his tongue, lets him finish.
... derek doesn't trust himself. he still thinks of himself as this awful person, that in becoming alpha, he's also destined to become the same person peter was. derek thinks he's going to end up hurting stiles, regardless of whether or not he actually wants to. stiles should have realized this sooner.
stiles doesn't move away when derek steps closer, doesn't flinch when he raises his hand, even though derek has just reminded him that he killed peter, that he clawed out his throat for power. he just stands there, looking right at derek again, nearly eye-level, but not quite. derek is trying to get him to believe that he's someone stiles should fear, someone he shouldn't trust, and stiles?
stiles takes a step toward him instead, just one single step toward a man who's just painted himself as some kind of monster, because stiles doesn't believe any of that to be true. he knows it's not. he knows the type of person derek is, the person he becomes. he understands, in hindsight, all the things derek was trying to do, his motivations, the fears that drove him.
he shakes his head, starts to lift his hand like he's about to grab onto derek's forearm, but he just lets it hover. ]
Because I know who you are. Because you've always had some kind of power over me and I don't think you've ever used it to your advantage the way you could have. [ because stiles is human and derek is more, and while stiles isn't someone derek can just alpha into obeying, he's had plenty of opportunity to cut him down. he's stronger than stiles will probably ever be, faster too, and he could have done whatever he wanted to stiles to keep him out of his way for good.
stiles curls his fingers around derek's forearm, right between his wrist and his elbow, slow, careful, like derek is still a werewolf, still an alpha and not nearly-human. he's not afraid of him, hasn't been for a long time now. ] Derek, Peter bit Scott because he was out-of-his-mind insane and he wanted a murder-pack. It didn't matter who he bit. You chose people who would benefit from the bite.
Erica was epileptic. She had seizures, she almost fell to her death in the gym at school because she just wanted to prove that she could climb the stupid - fucking rock wall, without her disorder getting in the way. You made her stronger. You made her confident.
Isaac was - jesus, his dad was beating him and nobody knew it. Nobody saw it, but you did. You gave him courage, you gave him support. You made him stronger.
Boyd needed friends. He needed leadership, he needed family. To feel like he belonged somewhere. You gave him Erica, you gave him Isaac. You made him pack. You gave him that.
Scott didn't need to be bitten. He had - asthma, but he had that under control. He has a mother who loves him and looks after him, he has friends, he has courage. He didn't want to be bitten. Peter didn't give him a choice.
[ he lets that hang for a minute, shifts his eyes back and forth between both of derek's. this somehow feels less about a contract, and more about making sure derek understands something, though stiles isn't sure entirely what. ]
You're an Alpha, but you're not Peter. You're dangerous - but not because you're an Alpha. The two don't have to be congruous. You protect people - Derek, you turned and you shoved me backwards away from the Kanima. You put yourself between me and an actual monster and told me to run. I was human then. I'm still human now. You didn't even like me, had no reason have my back - but you did.
[ stiles lets this hang too, uncurls his fingers, lets his hand fall away. it thumps quietly against his thigh. he takes a slow breath, lips pressed together loosely, has to look away for just a second. ]
I'm not - saying all of this to convince you to sign with me. If you don't want to, that's fine, seriously. I'm not interested in forcing you. This isn't some kind of - weird guilt trip or reverse psychology or whatever. ... I just want you to understand that you're not Peter. You never will be.
no subject
it's like a punch in the face, a kick to the stomach, and it shouldn't be because derek doesn't owe him anything. it's not even about stiles, it's about derek, and stiles' burning need to make sure someone has derek's back, always. it's an old instinct, one he hasn't really felt in a while, not since stiles almost, almost forgot about scott in favor of staying with derek. when derek was bleeding out, because he hopped out of the van first, instead of stiles. an instinct that kicked back in the moment derek nearly sent him sprawling face first into an icy sidewalk.
but derek says "but" and stiles has to work to not drown out the rest because he doesn't want to hear it, cutting his eyes away sharply and rolling his head subtly with all the disappointment he's trying to hold back. yes or no, he said. no excuses, no explanations for why or why not, no buts. stiles doesn't want to know all the reasons he isn't good enough for derek to even consider it, all the places he's failed.
stiles just wants to - walk out. he wants to pretend this didn't happen at all, that he didn't just put everything he's been fighting against aside, just have it be meaningless. he wants to just turn around and walk out and find somewhere derek isn't and won't be.
but derek is still talking, and as much as stiles doesn't want to hear his excuses, he's still too curious for his own good. he's still unwilling to walk away, because he did that to derek once already, even if the circumstances then were gravely different from now.
it's not anything stiles is expecting to hear, and it's clear by the look on his face, the more and more derek goes on. he's already shaking his head before derek's even halfway through his reasoning, small and subtle, but in obvious disagreement with everything derek's said so far. he wants to interrupt, but he bites his tongue, lets him finish.
... derek doesn't trust himself. he still thinks of himself as this awful person, that in becoming alpha, he's also destined to become the same person peter was. derek thinks he's going to end up hurting stiles, regardless of whether or not he actually wants to. stiles should have realized this sooner.
stiles doesn't move away when derek steps closer, doesn't flinch when he raises his hand, even though derek has just reminded him that he killed peter, that he clawed out his throat for power. he just stands there, looking right at derek again, nearly eye-level, but not quite. derek is trying to get him to believe that he's someone stiles should fear, someone he shouldn't trust, and stiles?
stiles takes a step toward him instead, just one single step toward a man who's just painted himself as some kind of monster, because stiles doesn't believe any of that to be true. he knows it's not. he knows the type of person derek is, the person he becomes. he understands, in hindsight, all the things derek was trying to do, his motivations, the fears that drove him.
he shakes his head, starts to lift his hand like he's about to grab onto derek's forearm, but he just lets it hover. ]
Because I know who you are. Because you've always had some kind of power over me and I don't think you've ever used it to your advantage the way you could have. [ because stiles is human and derek is more, and while stiles isn't someone derek can just alpha into obeying, he's had plenty of opportunity to cut him down. he's stronger than stiles will probably ever be, faster too, and he could have done whatever he wanted to stiles to keep him out of his way for good.
stiles curls his fingers around derek's forearm, right between his wrist and his elbow, slow, careful, like derek is still a werewolf, still an alpha and not nearly-human. he's not afraid of him, hasn't been for a long time now. ] Derek, Peter bit Scott because he was out-of-his-mind insane and he wanted a murder-pack. It didn't matter who he bit. You chose people who would benefit from the bite.
Erica was epileptic. She had seizures, she almost fell to her death in the gym at school because she just wanted to prove that she could climb the stupid - fucking rock wall, without her disorder getting in the way. You made her stronger. You made her confident.
Isaac was - jesus, his dad was beating him and nobody knew it. Nobody saw it, but you did. You gave him courage, you gave him support. You made him stronger.
Boyd needed friends. He needed leadership, he needed family. To feel like he belonged somewhere. You gave him Erica, you gave him Isaac. You made him pack. You gave him that.
Scott didn't need to be bitten. He had - asthma, but he had that under control. He has a mother who loves him and looks after him, he has friends, he has courage. He didn't want to be bitten. Peter didn't give him a choice.
[ he lets that hang for a minute, shifts his eyes back and forth between both of derek's. this somehow feels less about a contract, and more about making sure derek understands something, though stiles isn't sure entirely what. ]
You're an Alpha, but you're not Peter. You're dangerous - but not because you're an Alpha. The two don't have to be congruous. You protect people - Derek, you turned and you shoved me backwards away from the Kanima. You put yourself between me and an actual monster and told me to run. I was human then. I'm still human now. You didn't even like me, had no reason have my back - but you did.
[ stiles lets this hang too, uncurls his fingers, lets his hand fall away. it thumps quietly against his thigh. he takes a slow breath, lips pressed together loosely, has to look away for just a second. ]
I'm not - saying all of this to convince you to sign with me. If you don't want to, that's fine, seriously. I'm not interested in forcing you. This isn't some kind of - weird guilt trip or reverse psychology or whatever. ... I just want you to understand that you're not Peter. You never will be.