[ derek notices the shake of stiles' head, the bare hint of an interruption that doesn't come. he keeps talking through the signs that he should shut up and let stiles speak, pushing ahead until he's said everything he needs to say. the fear of who he could be if given enough time to change, the underlying regret he feels for killing him the way he did, the pain of laura's death he still carries around with him.
he's afraid of being damaging, he's afraid of being bad for people, and he's afraid of being hurt. he's trying to touch on those issues, through veiled hints and quiet, vague explanations. he's expecting stiles to read his mind, and maybe that isn't fair, but he doesn't know how to be more explicit.
it would be so, so easy to argue with the defences stiles makes for him. to use the way he bullied stiles in the earliest days of their relationship as proof that he's used his power over him, to argue that any goodness he brought to his beta's lives could be purely incidental. maybe he was just motivated by a need to surround himself with people who could fight for him, maybe he was being selfish. maybe the three of them were easy prey.
but people don't talk to him like this, people don't think about him like this. it's disarming. stiles has been nothing but disarming since derek arrived, and there's a minute here where he's actually speechless; he's never speechless, not really, there's always something cutting to say that he keeps to himself, always something small and petty sitting silently on the edge of his tongue. now, he's just...
he stays quiet through all of it. there are times here and there where he looks like he wants to say something, but those times come fewer and further apart the more stiles defends him. derek watches him talk, he watches his hand come close to his own, he watches... everything. he watches someone care about him, he watches someone know him. he watches someone like him, he watches someone slowly touch his arm in silent solidarity, a peaceful expression of trust. stiles is telling him in every possible way that he doesn't believe derek to be the monster he makes himself out to be, and derek does his best to listen.
he never really... thought he'd ever have this again. this much kindness, all for him. ]
It's not that I don't want to. You're just... you're giving me a lot of free passes, and I don't know if I deserve them.
[ stiles' hand drifts away, and derek lets it go. his arm drops limply to his side, and he only realizes when his chest is starting to hurt that he hasn't been breathing. it's still so hard for derek to say to himself that he trusts stiles, but he does, and for the first time in his life - a year too early, at least - he's starting to think that maybe it isn't fair to expect the worst from someone who only wants the best for you.
derek reaches out, and he takes a hold of stiles' hand, the same one stiles just pulled away. he's always preferred skin to skin contact, however deprived of it he's been since the fire. when he curls his fingers around stiles' wrist, it's just... comforting, to be able to hold onto someone solid, to know that they're really there. grounding. anchoring, almost, but not quite. not yet. ]
I'm not saying no. I just don't...
[ derek's eyes are on stiles' hand. the long, thin reach of his fingers. a freckle he'd never seen before. there's no way to argue against saving stiles from the kanima when he did. the kanima is his responsibility, he's supposed to face it alone - but if that was his only priority, he could have used stiles as bait, he could have let him die, he could have told him to run without exposing his back to a monster and shoving him away. he just...
he wanted stiles to be safe. he was scared he wouldn't be able to keep him safe, if he stayed.
it all boils down to one feelng, in the end. that constant fear of not being enough, that insecure worry that under all the effort and all the work, he hasn't changed at all since he was a kid. he's afraid he'll trust the wrong people, he's afraid he'll get more people killed. he's scared of making mistakes, and without the threat of the kanima and the distant rumblings of the alpha pack to fuel him on, derek doesn't feel the pressure to blindly rush into action while he's here.
which is the only reason they're talking in the first place. he could have just said yes or no, like stiles asked. instead - he thought. and he found reasons to worry. ]
I don't want to screw up. I don't want to make things harder for you by being a bad Dom. I don't want to... [ he hesitates. ] I don't want to lose what we have here. I like... talking to you.
[ he's scared of what he'll do to stiles. derek might want to keep stiles safe, but it goes without saying at this point that he doesn't trust himself enough to be able to pull it off. ]
But if... if you...
[ his thumb rests lightly against stiles' wrist. he doesn't know why he hasn't let go yet, and he finally raises his eyes to look at stiles. he takes another breath, keeping his voice almost clinically steady. ]
If there's nobody here you trust more than me - of course I'll...
[ he slowly, slowly pries his hand away, though he looks at stiles' wrist like he regrets it the second they're not touching. ]
no subject
he's afraid of being damaging, he's afraid of being bad for people, and he's afraid of being hurt. he's trying to touch on those issues, through veiled hints and quiet, vague explanations. he's expecting stiles to read his mind, and maybe that isn't fair, but he doesn't know how to be more explicit.
it would be so, so easy to argue with the defences stiles makes for him. to use the way he bullied stiles in the earliest days of their relationship as proof that he's used his power over him, to argue that any goodness he brought to his beta's lives could be purely incidental. maybe he was just motivated by a need to surround himself with people who could fight for him, maybe he was being selfish. maybe the three of them were easy prey.
but people don't talk to him like this, people don't think about him like this. it's disarming. stiles has been nothing but disarming since derek arrived, and there's a minute here where he's actually speechless; he's never speechless, not really, there's always something cutting to say that he keeps to himself, always something small and petty sitting silently on the edge of his tongue. now, he's just...
he stays quiet through all of it. there are times here and there where he looks like he wants to say something, but those times come fewer and further apart the more stiles defends him. derek watches him talk, he watches his hand come close to his own, he watches... everything. he watches someone care about him, he watches someone know him. he watches someone like him, he watches someone slowly touch his arm in silent solidarity, a peaceful expression of trust. stiles is telling him in every possible way that he doesn't believe derek to be the monster he makes himself out to be, and derek does his best to listen.
he never really... thought he'd ever have this again. this much kindness, all for him. ]
It's not that I don't want to. You're just... you're giving me a lot of free passes, and I don't know if I deserve them.
[ stiles' hand drifts away, and derek lets it go. his arm drops limply to his side, and he only realizes when his chest is starting to hurt that he hasn't been breathing. it's still so hard for derek to say to himself that he trusts stiles, but he does, and for the first time in his life - a year too early, at least - he's starting to think that maybe it isn't fair to expect the worst from someone who only wants the best for you.
derek reaches out, and he takes a hold of stiles' hand, the same one stiles just pulled away. he's always preferred skin to skin contact, however deprived of it he's been since the fire. when he curls his fingers around stiles' wrist, it's just... comforting, to be able to hold onto someone solid, to know that they're really there. grounding. anchoring, almost, but not quite. not yet. ]
I'm not saying no. I just don't...
[ derek's eyes are on stiles' hand. the long, thin reach of his fingers. a freckle he'd never seen before. there's no way to argue against saving stiles from the kanima when he did. the kanima is his responsibility, he's supposed to face it alone - but if that was his only priority, he could have used stiles as bait, he could have let him die, he could have told him to run without exposing his back to a monster and shoving him away. he just...
he wanted stiles to be safe. he was scared he wouldn't be able to keep him safe, if he stayed.
it all boils down to one feelng, in the end. that constant fear of not being enough, that insecure worry that under all the effort and all the work, he hasn't changed at all since he was a kid. he's afraid he'll trust the wrong people, he's afraid he'll get more people killed. he's scared of making mistakes, and without the threat of the kanima and the distant rumblings of the alpha pack to fuel him on, derek doesn't feel the pressure to blindly rush into action while he's here.
which is the only reason they're talking in the first place. he could have just said yes or no, like stiles asked. instead - he thought. and he found reasons to worry. ]
I don't want to screw up. I don't want to make things harder for you by being a bad Dom. I don't want to... [ he hesitates. ] I don't want to lose what we have here. I like... talking to you.
[ he's scared of what he'll do to stiles. derek might want to keep stiles safe, but it goes without saying at this point that he doesn't trust himself enough to be able to pull it off. ]
But if... if you...
[ his thumb rests lightly against stiles' wrist. he doesn't know why he hasn't let go yet, and he finally raises his eyes to look at stiles. he takes another breath, keeping his voice almost clinically steady. ]
If there's nobody here you trust more than me - of course I'll...
[ he slowly, slowly pries his hand away, though he looks at stiles' wrist like he regrets it the second they're not touching. ]
I want to. If you want to. I just...
[ need you to be careful. ]