[ there are so many people out there who have to know stiles better than derek does. his dad, scott. lydia, whoever his ex was, regardless of how flashbang and impetuous that relationship was. allison, for fuck's sake. derek cares about him, and he knows that stiles cares about him too, and in these past few weeks, he's come pretty far along in accepting that - but it's undeniable, that there are two years missing between them. time for derek to gradually know stiles as more than just that annoying kid, instead of skipping straight to the end like he's been forced to since his arrival in duplicity. there's still such a jarring dissonance between the stiles he remembers from home and the mature, competent, intelligent stiles he's been growing close to.
so he might not know stiles as well as everyone who watched him grow up, but he knows that i'm fine doesn't mean i'm fine. he knows that i'm fine is just this reflexive, knee-jerk impulse said to stop somebody from worrying about you, because for six years after the fire, i'm fine is all laura ever heard from him. derek's stomach wrenches a little, and he waits, because he wants to believe that he and stiles are getting to a point in their relationship where maybe they can open up a little more. talk about things. derek still has a ways to go before he can get there, but he's trying, and he wants stiles to try, too.
and then he does. derek waits, impatient to respond to every line, but he wants stiles to say what he needs to say before... offering advice that he knows won't help. sometimes you just have to live with these things, and if derek knew how to let go of guilt, he would be a very different person. all he can really do is say what he believes to be the truth. ]
If you knew that telling her about what happened would saved her life, you would have done it. Even if she hated you for it. But you didn't know. You couldn't have.
[ and so many things could have gone wrong, if she knew. she could have stayed here, afraid to go home, and then died all the same. she could have spent her last second chance at life being terrified of a fate she can't change, rather than enjoying what limited freedom she found here for what it was. keeping her in the dark might have been the kindest thing stiles could have done. derek's not going to put any of this to words, because - stiles is smart. he already knows that. stiles is just... sad. guilty. trying to logic that away won't help.
a pause - ]
You weren't being selfish. You're the least selfish person I've ever met. You're kind. Compassionate. You listen, and you care, and you try. You shoulder other people's problems, even if it means suffering for it. You blame yourself for Allison's death, even though it wasn't your fault. You gave Scott everything, back home, when my uncle turned him against his will, even though you could have just cut ties and run. You've been carrying me around since I've arrived - you signed a fucking contract with me, after months of trying to stay unsigned, and I know you did that because you were worried about me. You're generous. Loyal. You're not selfish. Being afraid isn't being selfish, it's just... being afraid.
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so he might not know stiles as well as everyone who watched him grow up, but he knows that i'm fine doesn't mean i'm fine. he knows that i'm fine is just this reflexive, knee-jerk impulse said to stop somebody from worrying about you, because for six years after the fire, i'm fine is all laura ever heard from him. derek's stomach wrenches a little, and he waits, because he wants to believe that he and stiles are getting to a point in their relationship where maybe they can open up a little more. talk about things. derek still has a ways to go before he can get there, but he's trying, and he wants stiles to try, too.
and then he does. derek waits, impatient to respond to every line, but he wants stiles to say what he needs to say before... offering advice that he knows won't help. sometimes you just have to live with these things, and if derek knew how to let go of guilt, he would be a very different person. all he can really do is say what he believes to be the truth. ]
If you knew that telling her about what happened would saved her life, you would have done it. Even if she hated you for it.
But you didn't know. You couldn't have.
[ and so many things could have gone wrong, if she knew. she could have stayed here, afraid to go home, and then died all the same. she could have spent her last second chance at life being terrified of a fate she can't change, rather than enjoying what limited freedom she found here for what it was. keeping her in the dark might have been the kindest thing stiles could have done. derek's not going to put any of this to words, because - stiles is smart. he already knows that. stiles is just... sad. guilty. trying to logic that away won't help.
a pause - ]
You weren't being selfish. You're the least selfish person I've ever met.
You're kind. Compassionate. You listen, and you care, and you try.
You shoulder other people's problems, even if it means suffering for it. You blame yourself for Allison's death, even though it wasn't your fault. You gave Scott everything, back home, when my uncle turned him against his will, even though you could have just cut ties and run. You've been carrying me around since I've arrived - you signed a fucking contract with me, after months of trying to stay unsigned, and I know you did that because you were worried about me.
You're generous. Loyal. You're not selfish.
Being afraid isn't being selfish, it's just... being afraid.