[ derek's laugh has got to be one of stiles' most favorite things. even when it's silent, even when it's a feeling more than it's a sound - when it shakes through his shoulders and crinkles the corners of his eyes - making derek laugh is one of his greatest accomplishments. this isn't even the first time stiles has done it, but stiles can remember every single moment he's ever managed to make derek laugh in his presence, and he's going to remember this time, too.
it's a little odd to think that a little over an hour ago, stiles was waking from a nightmare, panicking, and damp with sweat and tense with adrenaline and anxiety and fear. he doesn't really feel any of that anymore, doesn't really know when his nerves stopped feeling so raw and frayed and started feeling electric and alive instead. stiles told derek once that derek makes him feel good, makes him feel safe, and that much is still just as true now as it was then, as it has been for as long as stiles can remember.
derek takes his hand out from under his shirt. stiles has mixed feelings about it, because he doesn't actually mind derek touching his stomach, his chest - he doesn't mind being touched by derek anywhere - so it feels like a little bit of a loss, but at the same time— at the same time, he's so fucking grateful for the absolute respect derek shows him by not trying to push him into taking his shirt off. derek doesn't say anything about it at all. he just kisses stiles, over and over and over and stiles falls a little bit more in love with him.
and then his heart breaks, just a little. this is a big deal for me. it's okay if it's not a big deal for you. stiles should have kept his fucking mouth shut.
it is a big deal. stiles may have said that it isn't a big deal, but it is absolutely a big deal. he's too sentimental about things like sex and intimacy for this not to be a big deal to stiles, but he was so worried about the possibility of derek backing out if he got too weird about it that he tried to play it down, play it cool, and now he just feels - stupid. he feels embarrassed and anxious, because it is a big deal - this moment is so, so important to stiles, and it's important to derek, too, and stiles just made it sound like it's nothing when it's not.
he wants to take it all back. he needs to take it all back, and he needs to make sure it doesn't look like he's just - changing his mind to please derek or to spare his feelings. he needs derek to know that this is important to him, that it means more to stiles than he can properly put into words.
but he can't even find the words. he feels a little breathless and a little panicky that he's not going to be able to make this right. his lips part and his brows knit together and he looks up at derek like he can't fathom how he got this lucky. like he can't possibly imagine how or why derek wants to be with him at all. but he does. derek wants to be with him and he wants stiles for stiles and that's just so fucking sweet that stiles can hardly stand it.
he opens his mouth to tell him everything, but before he can take it all back, before can even begin to fix this - derek licks his palm. derek licks his fucking palm and he reaches down between stiles legs and he takes his cock in his hand and stiles thinks it's probably one of the hottest things he's ever seen. definitely top five sexiest things that has ever been done in his presence. but he's got derek's hand on his dick and it's warm and wet and tight as he drags his fist down the length of him, and stiles brain short-circuits for a handful of seconds.
but derek is saying something. derek is telling him something and stiles doesn't know when he closed his eyes but he opens them now and he tries not to fuck up into derek's fist. he swallows hard and he forces himself to focus on derek's mouth, on the words coming out of them.
fuck. fuck, right, he was going to tell him—
stiles reaches down and puts his hand over derek's to stop him, because he can't think properly when he's this turned on and if he doesn't shut everything own for a second he's not going to be able to get out anything he needs to say. he sets his other hand against derek's thigh, lets it slide up as far as the reach of his arm will allow, and he shakes his head. ]
It is a big deal to me. I said it isn't a big deal, but is it, I just didn't want there to be any pressure and I was scare you might - change your mind or, or back off, if I made it weird by making it this big thing, but I just— it's the first time and it's important and I want it to be with you. I want this, with you.
[ like most of his confessions thus far, it comes out of him in one big rush, right on the edge of being a little frantic. he feels a little breathless, still a little scared that he's not properly communicating to derek how he feels about him, how he feels about this. he takes his hand of of derek's thigh and slides his hand up the center of derek's chest, over his shoulder, around to the back of his neck, and he squeezes just once. for a moment, he's just stuck looking up at derek and not for the first time, stiles is struck with how beautiful he is.
he pulls himself up using the hand at the back of derek's neck, just far enough to brush a feather-light kiss against his lips, lingering close. ]
... It's - more than physical for me too. You're— I just— I really - really like you.
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it's a little odd to think that a little over an hour ago, stiles was waking from a nightmare, panicking, and damp with sweat and tense with adrenaline and anxiety and fear. he doesn't really feel any of that anymore, doesn't really know when his nerves stopped feeling so raw and frayed and started feeling electric and alive instead. stiles told derek once that derek makes him feel good, makes him feel safe, and that much is still just as true now as it was then, as it has been for as long as stiles can remember.
derek takes his hand out from under his shirt. stiles has mixed feelings about it, because he doesn't actually mind derek touching his stomach, his chest - he doesn't mind being touched by derek anywhere - so it feels like a little bit of a loss, but at the same time— at the same time, he's so fucking grateful for the absolute respect derek shows him by not trying to push him into taking his shirt off. derek doesn't say anything about it at all. he just kisses stiles, over and over and over and stiles falls a little bit more in love with him.
and then his heart breaks, just a little. this is a big deal for me. it's okay if it's not a big deal for you. stiles should have kept his fucking mouth shut.
it is a big deal. stiles may have said that it isn't a big deal, but it is absolutely a big deal. he's too sentimental about things like sex and intimacy for this not to be a big deal to stiles, but he was so worried about the possibility of derek backing out if he got too weird about it that he tried to play it down, play it cool, and now he just feels - stupid. he feels embarrassed and anxious, because it is a big deal - this moment is so, so important to stiles, and it's important to derek, too, and stiles just made it sound like it's nothing when it's not.
he wants to take it all back. he needs to take it all back, and he needs to make sure it doesn't look like he's just - changing his mind to please derek or to spare his feelings. he needs derek to know that this is important to him, that it means more to stiles than he can properly put into words.
but he can't even find the words. he feels a little breathless and a little panicky that he's not going to be able to make this right. his lips part and his brows knit together and he looks up at derek like he can't fathom how he got this lucky. like he can't possibly imagine how or why derek wants to be with him at all. but he does. derek wants to be with him and he wants stiles for stiles and that's just so fucking sweet that stiles can hardly stand it.
he opens his mouth to tell him everything, but before he can take it all back, before can even begin to fix this - derek licks his palm. derek licks his fucking palm and he reaches down between stiles legs and he takes his cock in his hand and stiles thinks it's probably one of the hottest things he's ever seen. definitely top five sexiest things that has ever been done in his presence. but he's got derek's hand on his dick and it's warm and wet and tight as he drags his fist down the length of him, and stiles brain short-circuits for a handful of seconds.
but derek is saying something. derek is telling him something and stiles doesn't know when he closed his eyes but he opens them now and he tries not to fuck up into derek's fist. he swallows hard and he forces himself to focus on derek's mouth, on the words coming out of them.
fuck. fuck, right, he was going to tell him—
stiles reaches down and puts his hand over derek's to stop him, because he can't think properly when he's this turned on and if he doesn't shut everything own for a second he's not going to be able to get out anything he needs to say. he sets his other hand against derek's thigh, lets it slide up as far as the reach of his arm will allow, and he shakes his head. ]
It is a big deal to me. I said it isn't a big deal, but is it, I just didn't want there to be any pressure and I was scare you might - change your mind or, or back off, if I made it weird by making it this big thing, but I just— it's the first time and it's important and I want it to be with you. I want this, with you.
[ like most of his confessions thus far, it comes out of him in one big rush, right on the edge of being a little frantic. he feels a little breathless, still a little scared that he's not properly communicating to derek how he feels about him, how he feels about this. he takes his hand of of derek's thigh and slides his hand up the center of derek's chest, over his shoulder, around to the back of his neck, and he squeezes just once. for a moment, he's just stuck looking up at derek and not for the first time, stiles is struck with how beautiful he is.
he pulls himself up using the hand at the back of derek's neck, just far enough to brush a feather-light kiss against his lips, lingering close. ]
... It's - more than physical for me too. You're— I just— I really - really like you.