[ it's not the first time stiles has told derek he likes him, but it's the first time he's said it and meant more. it's the first time he's said it to him like this, as close as he's come so far to telling derek how he really, truly feels about him. he really, really does like derek - that's not a lie by any means -, but he also loves him, too. he loves him and he's in love with him and it feels like a kick to the chest when derek laughs like that. stiles will remember this one, too, this fake, hollow, vacant sound.
derek doesn't believe him. he knows derek doesn't believe him because he recognizes that derek's forcing that laugh. he recognizes it, because stiles has plastered on tens if not hundreds of fake smiles and he's forced so many laughs just to hide the fact that he's hurting. and it hurts now too, but stiles doesn't laugh. his throat feels tight and his eyes start to feel a little warm in the corners and he just stares up at derek as derek stares down at him, and he has this look in his eye that's so desperate, so fucking desperate for derek to just - understand. he has to press his teeth together to keep his stupid chin from shaking. he's not going to cry, but he feels like he could.
derek's breath is warm against his mouth and his lips are soft as they brush over his. there's something here. you and me. stiles breath leaves his lungs in one quick exhale. the tightness in his chest loosens because yes. yes, there's something here. there has to be something here. stiles desperately needs there to be something between them. he nods, or he tries to at least, but the movement is minute and he only gets to far as rubbing their noses together before derek's hand starts stroking his cock again and stiles gets - distracted.
there's a lot, here, for him to focus on. stiles toes curl a little. the hand at his throat feels warm and broad and gentle and it makes stiles feel - safe. he doesn't know why, but it does, and his eyes sting a little more. he wants to reassure derek, to grab him and hold him and shake him and tell him that he's not imagining things. that he is right here and he cares about him, he cares about him so, so much, that he loves him—
he mentions kate. he mentions kate, and he mentions - paige, and it feels like someone's dumped icy water into his veins. he freezes, and he tilts his head back so he can look at derek, and he slides his hand from the back of derek's neck to the side of his face, and he just - searches. he looks for something, but he doesn't know what, he just. is derek— does derek think this could ever be anything like what happened to him with kate? it makes stiles feel a little sick to his stomach to think that derek might believe stiles could ever, ever do something like that to him. to anyone.
and paige. the girl derek loved, the girl derek killed, the girl stiles knows derek still blames himself for losing. derek leans in and touches their foreheads together and he holds stiles' face and stiles just wants to — pull him inside of himself, hold him so close and so tight that derek becomes a part of him, something he can always protect. stiles moves his hand from derek's face to the back of derek's wrist, slides his fingers up over his knuckles, lets them fall into the spaces between derek's where they will, both of their hands pressed to his cheek.
derek tells him he though this was over. he thought he couldn't have something like this again, something meaningful, something genuine and real, and stiles' heart breaks for him. derek has been through so fucking much, he's lost so many people and he's going to lose more, and stiles— stiles won't be one of them. even if and when derek decides to leave him in the future, he won't lose stiles, and this is something stiles is sure of because he's already lived it.
the hand circled around his cock picks up speed. stiles' stomach tightens reflexively. he sucks in a shaky breath through his teeth and he feels so suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, pulled apart in too many different directions, and then. and then derek kisses him, and it almost feels like— it almost feels like he's saying goodbye, and stiles breaks a little. he presses up into him desperately, teeth clicking against derek's, and he pushes this quiet, choked little sob of a noise into derek's mouth, tries to bury it there, tries to hide it.
if stiles is about to lose him again, then he doesn't want to know about it before it happens. it doesn't make sense that derek would just - say all of the things he's said, doesn't make any sense at all for him to point out that there's something here between them only for him to say goodbye, but stiles is — he's not this lucky. he's not the guy that good things happen to. he's the guy who watches, alone, as his mother dies in front of him. he's the guy who gets kidnapped and beaten and used as bait for someone who didn't come for him anyway. he's the guy who gives his life to find and protect his father, and has his life taken over in return, the guy who gets possessed, the guy with blood spilled by his hands but not by his decisions.
he's the guy who has to choose between saving his best friend, and saving someone else who could be more than that. he's the guy who has to let someone he loves walk away. not once, but twice, and if he's about to do this a third time, then he's not going to do it without telling derek exactly how he feels about him first.
he moves without thinking. derek tells him he's sorry. stiles takes his face in both hands and he leans up and he presses his mouth to derek's forehead, closes his eyes tight. derek's still stroking him, and it - fuck, it feels really, really good and it makes his brain feel a little fuzzy and his eyes burn even while they're closed but stiles has to do this. ]
Derek, listen to me. A lot happens. So much... happens. To me, and to you, and to us. Not all— not all of it is good, but the one thing that's constant is us. You— Derek, you believe me when other people don't, you believe me over the people— [ you think you love ] — the people you love. You believe in me, and nobody - you're the only person who's ever made me feel like, like— like I'm equal even though I'm only human.
[ stiles has to stop for a second to breathe, has to take a moment to swallow around his heart lodged up into his throat. he opens his eyes, and his hands move again. he grabs at derek's wrist, and he pulls his hand off of his cock, and then he presses both of his hands to derek's shoulders, and he moves him. he pushes with purpose and he sits up and he tilts derek over, pushes him onto his back, and the bed is so small that derek might be a little too close to the edge, but stiles isn't going to let him fall. he crawls up over derek, and it should be - embarrassing that he's straddling him with a knee on either side of derek's hips and his dick hard and heavy against derek's belly, but he doesn't care. he's so keyed up and he's so fucking scared and if this looks like a weak attempt to keep derek from leaving once he gets all of this out, well. maybe that's exactly what it is.
stiles is shaking. he's anxious and he's terrified and he's - determined. he doesn't lean in, doesn't crowd derek or try to pin him down, because he doesn't honestly want to trap derek here if he doesn't want to stay here, despite his lame attempt to use his body as a barrier. he sits back against derek's stomach and his shoulders sag a little, and he keeps his head down and his eyes on derek's chest. his hands settle in the space between the spread of his thighs over derek's torso, fingertips resting lightly against his abs, tapping lightly, nervously, sporadically.
and he talks. he opens his mouth and he lets it all pour out and nothing about it is steady. ]
The summer after I turned seventeen, we spent a lot of time together. It - it doesn't really matter the reason why, but we were always around each other and always listening to each other and we would just - we'd drive for hours and hours and it wasn't. It wasn't supposed to be anything - fun, but I learned a lot about you. And you learned a lot about me, and just - we got close, and I always— I always felt like there was. Something. And I never said anything after that summer.
[ he starts talking a little faster, starts to get ahead of himself, a little frantic, a little desperate. scared. ]
We never got a chance to really talk about it, and then, then everything just got so complicated and I started to think that maybe it was nothing, maybe it wasn't anything and I was just seeing things that weren't actually there so I ignored it and I, I, I let it go because we were still friends but I've been in love with you ever since that summer and the last time I admitted it to myself you just, I thought I wasn't ever going to see you again, and then you just, you just left and it was like you knew and that's why you— and that's okay, it's - seriously, it's okay if you want to go, we don't have to do this, you're not— I'm sorry, I shouldn't even— I should— God, I'm sorry—
[ stiles ducks his head a little more and he lifts one of his hands, dragging the back of it under his nose, and he starts to get up. he braces his hand on derek's stomach and he starts to move because there's no way this is going to work out for him. there's no way he didn't just ruin absolutely everything. ]
no subject
derek doesn't believe him. he knows derek doesn't believe him because he recognizes that derek's forcing that laugh. he recognizes it, because stiles has plastered on tens if not hundreds of fake smiles and he's forced so many laughs just to hide the fact that he's hurting. and it hurts now too, but stiles doesn't laugh. his throat feels tight and his eyes start to feel a little warm in the corners and he just stares up at derek as derek stares down at him, and he has this look in his eye that's so desperate, so fucking desperate for derek to just - understand. he has to press his teeth together to keep his stupid chin from shaking. he's not going to cry, but he feels like he could.
derek's breath is warm against his mouth and his lips are soft as they brush over his. there's something here. you and me. stiles breath leaves his lungs in one quick exhale. the tightness in his chest loosens because yes. yes, there's something here. there has to be something here. stiles desperately needs there to be something between them. he nods, or he tries to at least, but the movement is minute and he only gets to far as rubbing their noses together before derek's hand starts stroking his cock again and stiles gets - distracted.
there's a lot, here, for him to focus on. stiles toes curl a little. the hand at his throat feels warm and broad and gentle and it makes stiles feel - safe. he doesn't know why, but it does, and his eyes sting a little more. he wants to reassure derek, to grab him and hold him and shake him and tell him that he's not imagining things. that he is right here and he cares about him, he cares about him so, so much, that he loves him—
he mentions kate. he mentions kate, and he mentions - paige, and it feels like someone's dumped icy water into his veins. he freezes, and he tilts his head back so he can look at derek, and he slides his hand from the back of derek's neck to the side of his face, and he just - searches. he looks for something, but he doesn't know what, he just. is derek— does derek think this could ever be anything like what happened to him with kate? it makes stiles feel a little sick to his stomach to think that derek might believe stiles could ever, ever do something like that to him. to anyone.
and paige. the girl derek loved, the girl derek killed, the girl stiles knows derek still blames himself for losing. derek leans in and touches their foreheads together and he holds stiles' face and stiles just wants to — pull him inside of himself, hold him so close and so tight that derek becomes a part of him, something he can always protect. stiles moves his hand from derek's face to the back of derek's wrist, slides his fingers up over his knuckles, lets them fall into the spaces between derek's where they will, both of their hands pressed to his cheek.
derek tells him he though this was over. he thought he couldn't have something like this again, something meaningful, something genuine and real, and stiles' heart breaks for him. derek has been through so fucking much, he's lost so many people and he's going to lose more, and stiles— stiles won't be one of them. even if and when derek decides to leave him in the future, he won't lose stiles, and this is something stiles is sure of because he's already lived it.
the hand circled around his cock picks up speed. stiles' stomach tightens reflexively. he sucks in a shaky breath through his teeth and he feels so suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, pulled apart in too many different directions, and then. and then derek kisses him, and it almost feels like— it almost feels like he's saying goodbye, and stiles breaks a little. he presses up into him desperately, teeth clicking against derek's, and he pushes this quiet, choked little sob of a noise into derek's mouth, tries to bury it there, tries to hide it.
if stiles is about to lose him again, then he doesn't want to know about it before it happens. it doesn't make sense that derek would just - say all of the things he's said, doesn't make any sense at all for him to point out that there's something here between them only for him to say goodbye, but stiles is — he's not this lucky. he's not the guy that good things happen to. he's the guy who watches, alone, as his mother dies in front of him. he's the guy who gets kidnapped and beaten and used as bait for someone who didn't come for him anyway. he's the guy who gives his life to find and protect his father, and has his life taken over in return, the guy who gets possessed, the guy with blood spilled by his hands but not by his decisions.
he's the guy who has to choose between saving his best friend, and saving someone else who could be more than that. he's the guy who has to let someone he loves walk away. not once, but twice, and if he's about to do this a third time, then he's not going to do it without telling derek exactly how he feels about him first.
he moves without thinking. derek tells him he's sorry. stiles takes his face in both hands and he leans up and he presses his mouth to derek's forehead, closes his eyes tight. derek's still stroking him, and it - fuck, it feels really, really good and it makes his brain feel a little fuzzy and his eyes burn even while they're closed but stiles has to do this. ]
Derek, listen to me. A lot happens. So much... happens. To me, and to you, and to us. Not all— not all of it is good, but the one thing that's constant is us. You— Derek, you believe me when other people don't, you believe me over the people— [ you think you love ] — the people you love. You believe in me, and nobody - you're the only person who's ever made me feel like, like— like I'm equal even though I'm only human.
[ stiles has to stop for a second to breathe, has to take a moment to swallow around his heart lodged up into his throat. he opens his eyes, and his hands move again. he grabs at derek's wrist, and he pulls his hand off of his cock, and then he presses both of his hands to derek's shoulders, and he moves him. he pushes with purpose and he sits up and he tilts derek over, pushes him onto his back, and the bed is so small that derek might be a little too close to the edge, but stiles isn't going to let him fall. he crawls up over derek, and it should be - embarrassing that he's straddling him with a knee on either side of derek's hips and his dick hard and heavy against derek's belly, but he doesn't care. he's so keyed up and he's so fucking scared and if this looks like a weak attempt to keep derek from leaving once he gets all of this out, well. maybe that's exactly what it is.
stiles is shaking. he's anxious and he's terrified and he's - determined. he doesn't lean in, doesn't crowd derek or try to pin him down, because he doesn't honestly want to trap derek here if he doesn't want to stay here, despite his lame attempt to use his body as a barrier. he sits back against derek's stomach and his shoulders sag a little, and he keeps his head down and his eyes on derek's chest. his hands settle in the space between the spread of his thighs over derek's torso, fingertips resting lightly against his abs, tapping lightly, nervously, sporadically.
and he talks. he opens his mouth and he lets it all pour out and nothing about it is steady. ]
The summer after I turned seventeen, we spent a lot of time together. It - it doesn't really matter the reason why, but we were always around each other and always listening to each other and we would just - we'd drive for hours and hours and it wasn't. It wasn't supposed to be anything - fun, but I learned a lot about you. And you learned a lot about me, and just - we got close, and I always— I always felt like there was. Something. And I never said anything after that summer.
[ he starts talking a little faster, starts to get ahead of himself, a little frantic, a little desperate. scared. ]
We never got a chance to really talk about it, and then, then everything just got so complicated and I started to think that maybe it was nothing, maybe it wasn't anything and I was just seeing things that weren't actually there so I ignored it and I, I, I let it go because we were still friends but I've been in love with you ever since that summer and the last time I admitted it to myself you just, I thought I wasn't ever going to see you again, and then you just, you just left and it was like you knew and that's why you— and that's okay, it's - seriously, it's okay if you want to go, we don't have to do this, you're not— I'm sorry, I shouldn't even— I should— God, I'm sorry—
[ stiles ducks his head a little more and he lifts one of his hands, dragging the back of it under his nose, and he starts to get up. he braces his hand on derek's stomach and he starts to move because there's no way this is going to work out for him. there's no way he didn't just ruin absolutely everything. ]