i'm not lying i didn't. it didn't feel like a choice.
you tell me all about these things you can give me. this feeling i can have with you, this closeness. you tell me you'd be mine and i'd be yours but c'mon, derek? you love stiles. you told me yourself. he'll always be the first person in your life. he should be the first person in your life. i'm second to that. you made it clear i'm here to fill the gaps he can't. you're mad at me for making a choice you didn't agree with because you couldn't control it. is that what you wanted? to just. own me? do you care about me at all?
what if i said no to the bite? would you still want me? or would you sell someone else with the same story, make them part of your pack and replace me. you could do that in an instant and like everyone else, you'd leave. you think i'm too fucked up to stick around for and okay. okay? maybe i don't blame you. you wouldn't be the first.
but don't think you know why i do things. i care about keeping my head clear. about trying not to hurt myself because i don't want pain for an anchor. i don't want blood as an anchor. what if drugs are my anchor? what's the difference. besides the fact you'd take it away from me if you bit me. you saved that fact for last, too. i need the drugs, i need something. you don't know what's in my head and what it does to me.
[A pause.]
i wanted to be in your pack. i was going to say yes. but i'm not yours to shape into some perfect little vision of what you want me to be not if you get this angry with me for not fitting the mold.
no subject
i didn't. it didn't feel like a choice.
you tell me all about these things you can give me. this feeling i can have with you, this closeness. you tell me you'd be mine and i'd be yours but c'mon, derek? you love stiles. you told me yourself. he'll always be the first person in your life. he should be the first person in your life. i'm second to that. you made it clear i'm here to fill the gaps he can't. you're mad at me for making a choice you didn't agree with because you couldn't control it. is that what you wanted? to just. own me? do you care about me at all?
what if i said no to the bite? would you still want me? or would you sell someone else with the same story, make them part of your pack and replace me. you could do that in an instant and like everyone else, you'd leave. you think i'm too fucked up to stick around for and okay. okay? maybe i don't blame you. you wouldn't be the first.
but don't think you know why i do things. i care about keeping my head clear. about trying not to hurt myself because i don't want pain for an anchor. i don't want blood as an anchor. what if drugs are my anchor? what's the difference. besides the fact you'd take it away from me if you bit me. you saved that fact for last, too. i need the drugs, i need something. you don't know what's in my head and what it does to me.
[A pause.]
i wanted to be in your pack. i was going to say yes.
but i'm not yours to shape into some perfect little vision of what you want me to be
not if you get this angry with me for not fitting the mold.