derek hadn't really... thought that far ahead. maybe that's just reflective of how he's been, since his arrival; quick to act on action and gut-instinct without seeing how negatively his choices could impact him in the long run. stiles brings up a very fucking real point, and derek's... not sure how to respond.
he's a little offended, actually. offended that stiles would even have to ask. his first impulse is to get defensive and shoot down all his worries, call him out for thinking he's so weak-willed that he'd let fucking roleplay get all in his head like that. but - the thing is - derek doesn't trust himself. derek's never trusted himself. maybe he'd handle it. he thinks he could. maybe he couldn't. he probably couldn't.
maybe the fact that he's this fucking desperate to hear stiles call him alpha - this fucking turned on by the idea that even hearing him write the words say i called you alpha got him harder than steel, made him feel like he's standing in fire, made him bite the inside of his cheek so hard that it really, really started to hurt - is enough to show that this might be too much for him. he doesn't want stiles to be his beta, he knows that, he knows he wants them to be what they are, but -
but he doesn't trust himself. ]
I know you don't want me to be your Alpha. Not really. So.
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derek hadn't really... thought that far ahead. maybe that's just reflective of how he's been, since his arrival; quick to act on action and gut-instinct without seeing how negatively his choices could impact him in the long run. stiles brings up a very fucking real point, and derek's... not sure how to respond.
he's a little offended, actually. offended that stiles would even have to ask. his first impulse is to get defensive and shoot down all his worries, call him out for thinking he's so weak-willed that he'd let fucking roleplay get all in his head like that. but - the thing is - derek doesn't trust himself. derek's never trusted himself. maybe he'd handle it. he thinks he could. maybe he couldn't. he probably couldn't.
maybe the fact that he's this fucking desperate to hear stiles call him alpha - this fucking turned on by the idea that even hearing him write the words say i called you alpha got him harder than steel, made him feel like he's standing in fire, made him bite the inside of his cheek so hard that it really, really started to hurt - is enough to show that this might be too much for him. he doesn't want stiles to be his beta, he knows that, he knows he wants them to be what they are, but -
but he doesn't trust himself. ]
I know you don't want me to be your Alpha. Not really.
So.
[ so... yeah. that's not an answer. ]