[ he hasn't... known how to bring it up, but he's been thinking about that for a long while now. he sends it out without really thinking, and then just... feels a little overwhelmed by the confession, a little worried about what stiles might say, so he pushes on past bad memories of the fort and of rosalind and onto hopefully solid ground. ]
I have no idea what you're talking about. Woods but not woods. I'm not going to, like, sleep in someone's garden, if that's what you're saying.
Okay. We can work on that if that's something you want. You can work on that I mean.
[ stiles has... a lot of opinions on derek forming a pack here but. mostly he's just here to try to support whatever derek wants to do, and tell him he's being a fucking idiot if he's being a fucking idiot.
anyway. ]
Man, the nice old lady I promised is gonna be pissed. I told her I knew of the perfect gnome for her garden. Oh well. You idiot. I mean like
Okay, so. I'm... still packing my stuff by which I mean I haven't started packing yet but it's totally cool because I only own like A backpack and an armful's worth of stuff so it'll take like Ten minutes tops But I was thinking Like I saw this place Well two places actually I saw two places and one of them like It backs up pretty much into this really dense wood I mean the apartment is great and it's free and I have zero complaints about it except that it's really accessible? And that's a lot of stairs if the elevator ever quits or someone presses all the buttons again and it's private but not really private so I guess I actually have a few complaints but they're not like Dealbreakers So
[ he could explain himself - talk about his safety, talk about why he wants a pack, talk about isaac and erica and boyd and the void he feels in his chest without them. it just... doesn't seem worth it, and stiles is being blindly supportive, and maybe they can talk about this later. when he's not so blindly thinking "hunters are here, i need a pack so i don't die".
stiles keeps talking, calls him a gnome, derek whispers "you're a gnome" to his phone and considers it a victory given that stiles can't hear him and get the last word in. he... talks about a place, says it could be theirs (though not in so many words,) and derek takes a second to realize what he's proposing. ]
I don't want to live somewhere "really accessible" and "not really private".
[ a pause. ]
Somewhere new sounds good. I miss the woods. I miss going for runs. I had that at the fort, but - fuck, I want my woods. These could be mine. Somewhere I could take you. Somewhere we could stash some supplies, in case we need to hide out or make an escape. Somewhere safe. Just.
I don't know. Punch me in the face if this is a horrible thing to say, But I've never had to worry about money before. Can we... afford it?
[ stiles furrows and then lifts his brows at somewhere i could take you, but decides not to ask about it. for now. probably later, though. definitely later. ]
So. I can afford it. I mean I can't afford to buy this place right out but I've been working for Rosalind for a while now And I had some money saved up from before that When I was still living in the up So I can cover like... a deposit and maybe like 2-3 month's rent up front The good thing is, because it's kind of... out of the way and not as fancy shmancy hoity toity as like, 90% of the up, it's on the cheaper side You might have to consider uh Getting a job, but And the deposit/2ish months rent will have to come from you since money from my hand is Absolutely Unacceptable Here, hold on, let me just
[ aaand, stiles sends a handful of photos - one of each room in the loft, and one from the narrow wrap-around balcony that backs up into the woods. did he go and check this place out by himself? maybe. possibly. did he break in just to see it so he wouldn't have to deal with a realtor telling him he couldn't take a look without a dom present? maybe. possibly. ]
It reminds me a little bit of your old loft, actually So I thought maybe you might like it? But if not, it's totally cool.
[ there's a delay. derek focuses on going through the photos, one by one, and a couple of these aren't professionally taken, so, yeah, he figures that stiles must have visited on his own, but. he's kind of... he's not really sure what to say. derek doesn't typically get excited over things, but if he did, he'd get excited over this. ]
Looks okay.
[ he doesn't want a job, but. he'll start looking through places, he guesses. he's going to have to earn up enough to pay stiles back for the down payment and their early rent. he's also going to have to figure out how to pay stiles back without him knowing, just because, you know. the douche would turn him down, say it was a purchase for both of them, or something. ugh. lots to consider. ]
I like it. I don't want to live in the apartment. I want to live here. With you.
Uh Just one? I mean I'm sure one of the other rooms can be kind of converted into a second bedroom Put up a partition thing Or build a wall if you really want to be ambitious But I uh I thought just one would be okay?
[ types that out fast, hits enter, doesn't explain. wait, okay, wait, okay, he should clarify. ]
I don't want a second bedroom. Or a partition. That's why I was asking. I don't want to sleep apart anymore. At all. If that's okay. I know we've talked about it. But I don't. Want to be demanding.
No, no, yeah, that's fine. That's good. I'm good with that. It's not demanding You're not demanding. No partition I don't even know where people buy partitions from Like what department is that in? Is it furniture, is it like, with the doors?
Sorry. One bedroom. It's the one that's got brick on one side and concrete-y stone on the other. If that wasn't obvious. Wait, here. You might like this too.
I do like that door. Makes me think of home. I can't believe I took you to the loft. I haven't gone back there, since coming home to Beacon Hills. I tried to stay in the old house for as long as I could. The county'll be taking it, given that Peter's too dead to have it listed as his property. I don't think I want to buy it and put it in my name, either. I wanted somewhere private and hidden away for the pack. Didn't take them to the loft. Took them to the train yard. I guess that changes.
[ "don't talk so much", says derek, before talking more than stiles did. ]
Sorry. I don't know why I'm bringing this up. The place looks good. One bedroom is good. Sliding doors are good. You did good. I'll make the arrangements.
What're you gonna do, kick me out? Wait that's a joke Ha ha just kidding Please don't kick me out. At least not until we have a couch that doesn't suck.
[ but uh. hey, how about that guilt re: knowing about shit he should be telling derek, huh? ]
A lot changes. Isaac actually lives with you, for one.
[ or he will. for a while, until he doesn't. until derek scares him off for his own good. ]
I honestly don't know how you never strangled him but He's your beta, not mine. You also got that I'm tHe AlPhA thing going for you too so. Maybe that's it. Anyway. We can uh We can talk about... all of that stuff. Eventually. If you want. We probably should talk about stuff. Soon.
But maybe after we do this moving thing? Most of my money is in cash so I'll just bring it over Make it rainnnnnnnnnnn
I have no problem with making you sleep on the floor.
[ and - stiles tells him they can talk after they move, and derek's okay with that, derek's fine with that, but again, there's a thrill of sorta-excitement in his chest that he latches onto. isaac lives with him. that's huge, after everything with isaac's father. ]
Yeah? You're not fucking with me? That's kind of... amazing. I didn't think he'd want that. I wasn't sure I had it in me to keep my pack safe, but if I actually invite one of them to live with me, maybe that changes. Maybe I don't feel like as much of a danger to them. I hope he's happy. With me, I mean. I hope I make him happy. He deserves to be happy. They all do.
[ okay, ugh, he's getting carried away. ahead of himself. he pulls it back. ]
Sorry. There's no rush to tell me anything. I trust you. I know if there's anything I need to know, you'll tell me. Sooner or later. I'm here. Whenever you want to do that. Whenever you want to compliment me on the self-restraint I'm showing by not constantly smacking your head into walls until you tell me everything I want to know. Or... whenever you want to make it rain.
I have no problem sleeping on the floor. I'm a master at sleeping on the floor. I can sleep literally anywhere. I mean this isn't an invitation to make me sleep on the floor because I'm not sleeping on the floor. I'm just saying. Not an actual punishment.
Yeah. That's a real thing that happens. And you're not a danger to them.
[ other people are a danger to them but. that's a conversation for another time. ]
I'm realizing now that this new place has a lot of brick. Which is fine for like Everything except for how much you fantasize about smacking my head into walls. Anyway. I guess I'm packing my stuff? I'm packing my stuff. Is that cool? I mean if I come over now and like. Don't come back here. Officially. Is that cool.
Fine, okay. Positive reinforcement works over negative. I get it. You get through an entire night without annoying me, and I'll blow you again. You seemed to respond well to that last time.
[ he says, as if he's not going to find literally any opportunity to get stiles' dick in his mouth the second they live in the new place and can be as loud as they want. also, are they at a point where he can make blowjob jokes? only one way to find out, he guesses.
not going to comment on the isaac thing. he'll only ask questions, and he knows that's not where they are yet. ]
Yeah. That's cool. I wish you'd done it a week ago, actually. Should've asked sooner.
We should do something. Mark the occasion. Once we've actually moved. I don't know what, because we're going to have very little money and I don't want to go out, but. Something.
[ the little animate typing indicator dances in place for a while, then disappears. it reappears again, disappears quickly, and then there's nothing for a minute or two.
because stiles is working himself up to this. there's literally no reason to be nervous but also every reason to be nervous. but it's cool. this is no big deal. ]
What if And this is just an idea We can totally do something else But what if To mark the occasion You let me blow you instead. In the new place.
[ says the guy who has never given a bj in his life. the pressure here is. a lot. IT'LL BE FINE. ]
[ derek has maybe never wanted anything more in his entire life, and his heart fucking freezes up in his chest and his brain suddenly decides to shut down. it, uh. it takes him a second to get it working again. ]
Maybe. I don't know.
[ he swallows. okay. he. wants this. but. ]
I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. And I don't want you to... feel like you have to do that for me because I did that first. So.
Yeah Yes I mean I've never actually But I want to. With you. Even before you did it for me I'd thought about it Forever ago Like that summer forever ago but still But I mean you don't have to say yes We can do something else like I have no idea but something else You're not obligated to say yes My feelings won't be hurt It's cool I swear
No. I want that. I've thought about it a lot, too. You should've told me. Over summer. If I felt even half as much for you then as I do now, I would've gone for it. So. Yes. I want. That.
[ he just... had to make sure that stiles wanted it too. and he does. and he's wanted that since before derek even... realized there was something here to want. that's, uh. that's information. that sure is information.
derek needs a second, again. ]
What... have you done? Can I ask that? I mean - at home. And... here. How did you fill your quota?
[ but also: if i felt even half as much for you then as i do now. rip, stiles. that's a lot. that's... a lot. and stiles feels a little fluttery about it and kind of dumb for feeling so fluttery about it but. okay. it's cool. derek likes him, this is not news anymore, even if it still feels like news.
anyway, that fluttery feeling plummets, because derek is asking about stiles'... sexual history and that's. it's. he's embarrassed? he suddenly feels really embarrassed.
okay. okay, it's. derek should probably know this stuff. for future reference or something. ]
Back home I just My ex-girlfriend and I I mean she wasn't my ex at the time but You probably guessed that without me clarifying But we had... regular sex? Not like sex regularly but. I guess sort of that too but I mean I don't know, regular sex. Vaginal sex. I'm never typing the word vaginal again for as long as I live oh my god Anyway, that was at home.
Anonymous handjobs? I don't know, there's this club Where nobody cares about whether or not you have this season's coolest tattoo So it was really easy to just Take care of it without having to answer or ask too many questions And you already know about Everything I've done with you
[ derek listens. he's not sure why he's asking questions like these, because they actually... well, they actually make him feel kind of awful? there's a small pang of jealousy when stiles talks about his ex, which is stupid, and he feels this wave of relief when stiles confirms he hasn't had any regular hookups in duplicity, which... well, which makes him feel like an asshole for a lot of reasons, but. ]
Okay.
[ he's not sure what else to say. and he regrets asking, which is also stupid, because he's definitely done more with people than stiles ever has and he has no right to feel insecure, but - it's. he kind of hates everything he's ever done, physically speaking, both here and at home. he hates every single second of his sexual history, except for what he's done with stiles. if stiles had said he's still sexually active with a regular hookup that derek couldn't possibly measure up to, he'd just...
he'd. fuck. nevermind. this is stupid, too, jesus christ, he's being stupid. stupid and immature. derek tries to snap out of it, tries to focus on just. talking. being normal. ]
Does that make me the first guy you've
[ a pause. he knows that he's the first stiles has been with in... some regards, but that's not what he's asking. derek hesitates, because he and stiles said they wanted to be something, but derek didn't try to clarify what he meant, exactly, and this might be the first time he actually drops what he wants. what he assumes this is. what he hopes this is.
he hesitates, then types out five more letters and hits send. ]
[ stiles assumes derek is about to ask him if he's the first guy stiles has had sex with which - is kind of annoying, because stiles literally told him he was. they had a whole messy - thing, because stiles tried to play down his own sentimentality just to have it all backfire. derek was there. he should know this.
but that's not what derek asks him, and stiles' stomach sinks and swoops a little too abruptly. he blinks a couple times in rapid succession as he stares down at his phone, like he's trying to - unblur his vision, or waiting for the words to rearrange into something else. but they don't.
derek's still asking if he's he first guy he's dated.
they're dating. like, that's - an official thing. with a label, sort of. not just some vague, hopeful idea stiles had. okay. okay, that's. this is good. this is really good, stiles likes this. he likes this a lot. ]
That is what that makes you. Derek. The first guy I've dated. Am. First guy I am dating.
it's good that stiles repeats himself, really clarifies his answer. derek's already folding in on himself a little and wishing he'd never asked, beating himself up for trying, and it takes the quick one-two punch that stiles sends him to really knock that line of thinking out of orbit.
every part of derek is telling him to pull the brakes. to stop piling up unsteady brick onto unsteady brick, because he knows all it will take is one wrong move for everything to crumble and for stiles to get hurt. he's gone over that in his head time and time and time again, fearing the sobering reality check that's going to come for him when this happy little bubble bursts and he's flung back into the decimating smell of ash.
but he doesn't. he still feels emboldened by their night together. the confessions, the intimacy. the mutual desire for this to go as far as it can go. he thinks of the regret that's been sitting in his chest ever since his refusal to say i love you,. derek hesitates, and he knows he's pushing things here, about to drop another title stiles might not be willing to share, but after spending so long in freefall, he wants to see something land. ]
Same. To you. I've been with men. But I've never. Had a boyfriend. Until now. You.
[ stiles is not surprised by the revelation that derek has been with men before just for the simple fact that derek is - gorgeous. derek could probably have literally any person he wanted - which is a thought that makes stiles feel really, really good, but also really... insecure isn't a good word, but he's not ever gonna be on the cover of GQ. and he's awkward and annoying and. he needs to not go down this road because it's pointless and this is. good.
stiles has never had a boyfriend before, but he figures it's probably similar to having a girlfriend, even if his one girlfriend experience is rather... unique. in a lot of ways.
but derek has never had a boyfriend either, which is kind of surprising to stiles. it also makes him feel kind of warm and. pleased. that he gets to be a first, in some capacity, for derek. ]
Well I hope you're ready for me to boyfriend the crap out of you then. I'm gonna boyfriend you so hard.
[ stiles. ]
Don't say you're going to break up with me, that's predictable. But seriously. That's. It's cool. I mean I kind of like that I'm your first boyfriend? Kind of is a little bit of an understatement But I'm trying to make this last for more than ten seconds before you change your mind so I'm Reeling it in. But I do like it. A lot.
[ about this. about stiles, about his feelings, about any of this. he wants this to last, and he's going to aggressively fight every fucking second of his life spent worrying about how he's going to screw this up. he's going to do everything he can to stay strong and optimistic and open and not shut down out of fear or resentment or self-preservation. he's not going to lose this.
even if he does sort of wince a little at "i'm gonna boyfriend you so hard", because that was kind of stupid and maybe this was all a terrible mistake, but. you know what? stiles is endearing. derek's endeared. ]
I'm in this. For as long as you'll have me. So. Go fuck yourself.
I like that you're my first, too. You're pretty special. A word I'm using as both a compliment and an insult. Mostly a compliment. I'm really lucky. You could date better people than me. I'm glad you're enough of an idiot to think otherwise.
[ stiles just barely catches the elevator, which must be some kind of miracle because he doesn't really have the patience to wait forty minutes for it to come back down, and walking to the train with all of his stuff just. sounds like a terrible time, so he considers himself lucky. he tucks himself into a corner, away from the handful of others waiting to go from one level to the next, and he sets some of his stuff at his feet to free up his hands and give himself a short break.
stiles... does not deserve this. stiles does not feel like he deserve this because it's. it just feels like it's too good to be true. derek wanting to be with him, derek saying things like i'm in this for as long as you'll have me (followed by go fuck yourself, which just - makes stiles smile, even though it probably shouldn't). stiles doesn't ever find himself this lucky.
if he's standing in the corner of the elevator, trying to bite back a smile and looking like a goddamn idiot, well. who cares. he doesn't. ]
Bold of you to assume I'm the idiot here. Like I'm not trying to put myself down here but I'm just saying There are a lot of pretty people here in Bonertown And back home But I'm not gonna point out that it might be time for you to book an appointment with your local werewolf optometrist. Anyway, I don't know better people. I'm not interested in these imaginary hypothetical better people.
I'm like... fifteen minutes out? I caught the elevators right as the doors were closing so It'll be like ten minutes for that and another fiveish from there. Maybe ten. I don't have a lot of stuff like objectively speaking. But it's a lot to carry across town I guess. Anyway. Fifteen minutes, give or take.
[ fifteen minutes. real hard not to just get up and wait outside the elevator like last time. derek vents his impatience by being kind of snappy, feeling this annoyed prickling at the back of his neck. stiles is a fucking dingus. ]
Shut up. I like you. More than anyone else. Physically. Emotionally. There's nobody I could want more than I want you. Nobody I've ever wanted more than you. Nobody who makes me feel the way you make me feel. Safe. Happy. "Werewolf optometrist", ugh. Stupid. You don't know what you're talking about. Moron.
[ so. yeah. derek's thumb hovers over his phone, and there are other things he wants to say. thoughts he wants to add. "i hope i'll be enough for you", "i miss you all the time", "i love you". overwhelming, intense feelings that he shouldn't be drowning in this early into a relationship. feelings that battle constant anxiety - what if stiles leaves, what if stiles gets hurt, what if derek's too much, what if derek's not enough. derek looks down at his screen, watches the light fade to save its battery, then swipes his thumb over message box and taps something out. ]
I'm really looking forward to seeing you. I know we see each other all the time. But I am. Very excited. And I don't... get excited. But I am. Right now. I'm going to see you. Soon. Today. And then I'm going to see you tonight, and then I'm going to see you in the morning, and then I'm going to see you tomorrow, and you won't have to leave, because you're going to live with me. And I'm. Excited. For that. Are you?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ he hasn't... known how to bring it up, but he's been thinking about that for a long while now. he sends it out without really thinking, and then just... feels a little overwhelmed by the confession, a little worried about what stiles might say, so he pushes on past bad memories of the fort and of rosalind and onto hopefully solid ground. ]
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Woods but not woods.
I'm not going to, like, sleep in someone's garden, if that's what you're saying.
no subject
We can work on that if that's something you want.
You can work on that I mean.
[ stiles has... a lot of opinions on derek forming a pack here but. mostly he's just here to try to support whatever derek wants to do, and tell him he's being a fucking idiot if he's being a fucking idiot.
anyway. ]
Man, the nice old lady I promised is gonna be pissed.
I told her I knew of the perfect gnome for her garden.
Oh well.
You idiot.
I mean like
Okay, so. I'm... still packing my stuff by which I mean
I haven't started packing yet but it's totally cool because I only own like
A backpack and an armful's worth of stuff so it'll take like
Ten minutes tops
But I was thinking
Like I saw this place
Well two places actually
I saw two places and one of them like
It backs up pretty much into this really dense wood
I mean the apartment is great and it's free and I have zero complaints about it except that it's really accessible? And that's a lot of stairs if the elevator ever quits or someone presses all the buttons again and it's private but not really private so
I guess I actually have a few complaints but they're not like
Dealbreakers
So
no subject
[ he could explain himself - talk about his safety, talk about why he wants a pack, talk about isaac and erica and boyd and the void he feels in his chest without them. it just... doesn't seem worth it, and stiles is being blindly supportive, and maybe they can talk about this later. when he's not so blindly thinking "hunters are here, i need a pack so i don't die".
stiles keeps talking, calls him a gnome, derek whispers "you're a gnome" to his phone and considers it a victory given that stiles can't hear him and get the last word in. he... talks about a place, says it could be theirs (though not in so many words,) and derek takes a second to realize what he's proposing. ]
I don't want to live somewhere "really accessible" and "not really private".
[ a pause. ]
Somewhere new sounds good.
I miss the woods. I miss going for runs. I had that at the fort, but - fuck, I want my woods.
These could be mine. Somewhere I could take you. Somewhere we could stash some supplies, in case we need to hide out or make an escape. Somewhere safe.
Just.
I don't know.
Punch me in the face if this is a horrible thing to say,
But I've never had to worry about money before. Can we... afford it?
no subject
So.
I can afford it.
I mean I can't afford to buy this place right out but I've been working for Rosalind for a while now
And I had some money saved up from before that
When I was still living in the up
So I can cover like... a deposit and maybe like 2-3 month's rent up front
The good thing is, because it's kind of... out of the way and not as fancy shmancy hoity toity as like, 90% of the up, it's on the cheaper side
You might have to consider uh
Getting a job, but
And the deposit/2ish months rent will have to come from you since money from my hand is Absolutely Unacceptable
Here, hold on, let me just
[ aaand, stiles sends a handful of photos - one of each room in the loft, and one from the narrow wrap-around balcony that backs up into the woods. did he go and check this place out by himself? maybe. possibly. did he break in just to see it so he wouldn't have to deal with a realtor telling him he couldn't take a look without a dom present? maybe. possibly. ]
It reminds me a little bit of your old loft, actually
So I thought maybe you might like it?
But if not, it's totally cool.
no subject
Looks okay.
[ he doesn't want a job, but. he'll start looking through places, he guesses. he's going to have to earn up enough to pay stiles back for the down payment and their early rent. he's also going to have to figure out how to pay stiles back without him knowing, just because, you know. the douche would turn him down, say it was a purchase for both of them, or something. ugh. lots to consider. ]
I like it.
I don't want to live in the apartment. I want to live here.
With you.
[ ... ]
How many bedrooms?
no subject
Just one?
I mean I'm sure one of the other rooms can be kind of converted into a second bedroom
Put up a partition thing
Or build a wall if you really want to be ambitious
But I uh
I thought just one would be okay?
[ sweats. ]
no subject
[ types that out fast, hits enter, doesn't explain. wait, okay, wait, okay, he should clarify. ]
I don't want a second bedroom. Or a partition.
That's why I was asking.
I don't want to sleep apart anymore.
At all.
If that's okay.
I know we've talked about it. But I don't.
Want to be demanding.
no subject
No, no, yeah, that's fine.
That's good.
I'm good with that.
It's not demanding
You're not demanding.
No partition
I don't even know where people buy partitions from
Like what department is that in?
Is it furniture, is it like, with the doors?
Sorry.
One bedroom.
It's the one that's got brick on one side and concrete-y stone on the other.
If that wasn't obvious.
Wait, here.
You might like this too.
[ sliding door, sliding door. ]
no subject
[ he's kidding. well, he's roughly maybe 40% kidding. ]
I do like that door.
Makes me think of home.
I can't believe I took you to the loft. I haven't gone back there, since coming home to Beacon Hills.
I tried to stay in the old house for as long as I could. The county'll be taking it, given that Peter's too dead to have it listed as his property. I don't think I want to buy it and put it in my name, either.
I wanted somewhere private and hidden away for the pack. Didn't take them to the loft. Took them to the train yard.
I guess that changes.
[ "don't talk so much", says derek, before talking more than stiles did. ]
Sorry. I don't know why I'm bringing this up.
The place looks good.
One bedroom is good. Sliding doors are good.
You did good.
I'll make the arrangements.
no subject
Wait that's a joke
Ha ha just kidding
Please don't kick me out.
At least not until we have a couch that doesn't suck.
[ but uh. hey, how about that guilt re: knowing about shit he should be telling derek, huh? ]
A lot changes.
Isaac actually lives with you, for one.
[ or he will. for a while, until he doesn't. until derek scares him off for his own good. ]
I honestly don't know how you never strangled him but
He's your beta, not mine.
You also got that I'm tHe AlPhA thing going for you too so.
Maybe that's it.
Anyway. We can uh
We can talk about... all of that stuff. Eventually. If you want.
We probably should talk about stuff. Soon.
But maybe after we do this moving thing?
Most of my money is in cash so
I'll just bring it over
Make it rainnnnnnnnnnn
no subject
[ and - stiles tells him they can talk after they move, and derek's okay with that, derek's fine with that, but again, there's a thrill of sorta-excitement in his chest that he latches onto. isaac lives with him. that's huge, after everything with isaac's father. ]
Yeah? You're not fucking with me?
That's kind of... amazing. I didn't think he'd want that. I wasn't sure I had it in me to keep my pack safe, but if I actually invite one of them to live with me, maybe that changes. Maybe I don't feel like as much of a danger to them.
I hope he's happy. With me, I mean. I hope I make him happy. He deserves to be happy. They all do.
[ okay, ugh, he's getting carried away. ahead of himself. he pulls it back. ]
Sorry.
There's no rush to tell me anything.
I trust you. I know if there's anything I need to know, you'll tell me. Sooner or later.
I'm here. Whenever you want to do that. Whenever you want to compliment me on the self-restraint I'm showing by not constantly smacking your head into walls until you tell me everything I want to know.
Or... whenever you want to make it rain.
no subject
I'm a master at sleeping on the floor.
I can sleep literally anywhere.
I mean this isn't an invitation to make me sleep on the floor because I'm not sleeping on the floor.
I'm just saying.
Not an actual punishment.
Yeah. That's a real thing that happens.
And you're not a danger to them.
[ other people are a danger to them but. that's a conversation for another time. ]
I'm realizing now that this new place has a lot of brick.
Which is fine for like
Everything except for how much you fantasize about smacking my head into walls.
Anyway. I guess I'm packing my stuff?
I'm packing my stuff.
Is that cool? I mean if I come over now and like.
Don't come back here.
Officially.
Is that cool.
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You get through an entire night without annoying me, and I'll blow you again.
You seemed to respond well to that last time.
[ he says, as if he's not going to find literally any opportunity to get stiles' dick in his mouth the second they live in the new place and can be as loud as they want. also, are they at a point where he can make blowjob jokes? only one way to find out, he guesses.
not going to comment on the isaac thing. he'll only ask questions, and he knows that's not where they are yet. ]
Yeah. That's cool.
I wish you'd done it a week ago, actually.
Should've asked sooner.
We should do something. Mark the occasion. Once we've actually moved.
I don't know what, because we're going to have very little money and I don't want to go out, but.
Something.
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because stiles is working himself up to this. there's literally no reason to be nervous but also every reason to be nervous. but it's cool. this is no big deal. ]
What if
And this is just an idea
We can totally do something else
But what if
To mark the occasion
You let me blow you instead.
In the new place.
[ says the guy who has never given a bj in his life. the pressure here is. a lot. IT'LL BE FINE. ]
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Maybe. I don't know.
[ he swallows. okay. he. wants this. but. ]
I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.
And I don't want you to... feel like you have to do that for me because I did that first.
So.
Is that. Something you want? Or.
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Yeah
Yes
I mean I've never actually
But I want to. With you.
Even before you did it for me I'd thought about it
Forever ago
Like that summer forever ago but still
But I mean you don't have to say yes
We can do something else like
I have no idea but something else
You're not obligated to say yes
My feelings won't be hurt
It's cool I swear
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I want that.
I've thought about it a lot, too.
You should've told me. Over summer.
If I felt even half as much for you then as I do now, I would've gone for it.
So. Yes.
I want. That.
[ he just... had to make sure that stiles wanted it too. and he does. and he's wanted that since before derek even... realized there was something here to want. that's, uh. that's information. that sure is information.
derek needs a second, again. ]
What... have you done? Can I ask that?
I mean - at home. And... here.
How did you fill your quota?
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[ but also: if i felt even half as much for you then as i do now. rip, stiles. that's a lot. that's... a lot. and stiles feels a little fluttery about it and kind of dumb for feeling so fluttery about it but. okay. it's cool. derek likes him, this is not news anymore, even if it still feels like news.
anyway, that fluttery feeling plummets, because derek is asking about stiles'... sexual history and that's. it's. he's embarrassed? he suddenly feels really embarrassed.
okay. okay, it's. derek should probably know this stuff. for future reference or something. ]
Back home I just
My ex-girlfriend and I
I mean she wasn't my ex at the time but
You probably guessed that without me clarifying
But we had... regular sex?
Not like sex regularly but. I guess sort of that too but I mean
I don't know, regular sex. Vaginal sex.
I'm never typing the word vaginal again for as long as I live oh my god
Anyway, that was at home.
Here I just
Kind of got by with
[ hello mortification hello embarrassment. hello. kind of vaguely ill feeling. ]
Anonymous handjobs?
I don't know, there's this club
Where nobody cares about whether or not you have this season's coolest tattoo
So it was really easy to just
Take care of it without having to answer or ask too many questions
And you already know about
Everything I've done with you
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Okay.
[ he's not sure what else to say. and he regrets asking, which is also stupid, because he's definitely done more with people than stiles ever has and he has no right to feel insecure, but - it's. he kind of hates everything he's ever done, physically speaking, both here and at home. he hates every single second of his sexual history, except for what he's done with stiles. if stiles had said he's still sexually active with a regular hookup that derek couldn't possibly measure up to, he'd just...
he'd. fuck. nevermind. this is stupid, too, jesus christ, he's being stupid. stupid and immature. derek tries to snap out of it, tries to focus on just. talking. being normal. ]
Does that make me the first guy you've
[ a pause. he knows that he's the first stiles has been with in... some regards, but that's not what he's asking. derek hesitates, because he and stiles said they wanted to be something, but derek didn't try to clarify what he meant, exactly, and this might be the first time he actually drops what he wants. what he assumes this is. what he hopes this is.
he hesitates, then types out five more letters and hits send. ]
Does that make me the first guy you've dated?
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but that's not what derek asks him, and stiles' stomach sinks and swoops a little too abruptly. he blinks a couple times in rapid succession as he stares down at his phone, like he's trying to - unblur his vision, or waiting for the words to rearrange into something else. but they don't.
derek's still asking if he's he first guy he's dated.
they're dating. like, that's - an official thing. with a label, sort of. not just some vague, hopeful idea stiles had. okay. okay, that's. this is good. this is really good, stiles likes this. he likes this a lot. ]
That is what that makes you.
Derek. The first guy I've dated.
Am. First guy I am dating.
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[ okay.
it's good that stiles repeats himself, really clarifies his answer. derek's already folding in on himself a little and wishing he'd never asked, beating himself up for trying, and it takes the quick one-two punch that stiles sends him to really knock that line of thinking out of orbit.
every part of derek is telling him to pull the brakes. to stop piling up unsteady brick onto unsteady brick, because he knows all it will take is one wrong move for everything to crumble and for stiles to get hurt. he's gone over that in his head time and time and time again, fearing the sobering reality check that's going to come for him when this happy little bubble bursts and he's flung back into the decimating smell of ash.
but he doesn't. he still feels emboldened by their night together. the confessions, the intimacy. the mutual desire for this to go as far as it can go. he thinks of the regret that's been sitting in his chest ever since his refusal to say i love you,. derek hesitates, and he knows he's pushing things here, about to drop another title stiles might not be willing to share, but after spending so long in freefall, he wants to see something land. ]
Same. To you.
I've been with men. But I've never.
Had a boyfriend.
Until now.
You.
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stiles has never had a boyfriend before, but he figures it's probably similar to having a girlfriend, even if his one girlfriend experience is rather... unique. in a lot of ways.
but derek has never had a boyfriend either, which is kind of surprising to stiles. it also makes him feel kind of warm and. pleased. that he gets to be a first, in some capacity, for derek. ]
Well I hope you're ready for me to boyfriend the crap out of you then.
I'm gonna boyfriend you so hard.
[ stiles. ]
Don't say you're going to break up with me, that's predictable.
But seriously. That's.
It's cool. I mean I kind of like that I'm your first boyfriend?
Kind of is a little bit of an understatement
But I'm trying to make this last for more than ten seconds before you change your mind so I'm
Reeling it in.
But I do like it. A lot.
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[ about this. about stiles, about his feelings, about any of this. he wants this to last, and he's going to aggressively fight every fucking second of his life spent worrying about how he's going to screw this up. he's going to do everything he can to stay strong and optimistic and open and not shut down out of fear or resentment or self-preservation. he's not going to lose this.
even if he does sort of wince a little at "i'm gonna boyfriend you so hard", because that was kind of stupid and maybe this was all a terrible mistake, but. you know what? stiles is endearing. derek's endeared. ]
I'm in this. For as long as you'll have me.
So.
Go fuck yourself.
I like that you're my first, too.
You're pretty special. A word I'm using as both a compliment and an insult.
Mostly a compliment.
I'm really lucky. You could date better people than me. I'm glad you're enough of an idiot to think otherwise.
Are you nearly here?
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stiles... does not deserve this. stiles does not feel like he deserve this because it's. it just feels like it's too good to be true. derek wanting to be with him, derek saying things like i'm in this for as long as you'll have me (followed by go fuck yourself, which just - makes stiles smile, even though it probably shouldn't). stiles doesn't ever find himself this lucky.
if he's standing in the corner of the elevator, trying to bite back a smile and looking like a goddamn idiot, well. who cares. he doesn't. ]
Bold of you to assume I'm the idiot here.
Like I'm not trying to put myself down here but I'm just saying
There are a lot of pretty people here in Bonertown
And back home
But I'm not gonna point out that it might be time for you to book an appointment with your local werewolf optometrist.
Anyway, I don't know better people.
I'm not interested in these imaginary hypothetical better people.
I'm like... fifteen minutes out?
I caught the elevators right as the doors were closing so
It'll be like ten minutes for that and another fiveish from there.
Maybe ten. I don't have a lot of stuff like objectively speaking.
But it's a lot to carry across town I guess.
Anyway. Fifteen minutes, give or take.
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Shut up.
I like you. More than anyone else.
Physically. Emotionally. There's nobody I could want more than I want you. Nobody I've ever wanted more than you. Nobody who makes me feel the way you make me feel.
Safe. Happy.
"Werewolf optometrist", ugh. Stupid.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Moron.
[ so. yeah. derek's thumb hovers over his phone, and there are other things he wants to say. thoughts he wants to add. "i hope i'll be enough for you", "i miss you all the time", "i love you". overwhelming, intense feelings that he shouldn't be drowning in this early into a relationship. feelings that battle constant anxiety - what if stiles leaves, what if stiles gets hurt, what if derek's too much, what if derek's not enough. derek looks down at his screen, watches the light fade to save its battery, then swipes his thumb over message box and taps something out. ]
I'm really looking forward to seeing you.
I know we see each other all the time.
But I am. Very excited. And I don't... get excited. But I am. Right now.
I'm going to see you. Soon. Today. And then I'm going to see you tonight, and then I'm going to see you in the morning, and then I'm going to see you tomorrow, and you won't have to leave, because you're going to live with me.
And I'm.
Excited.
For that.
Are you?
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