[ stiles likes to think he's gotten pretty damn good at interpreting derek. whether that means deciphering the true meaning or intent behind a handful of words, or reading his body language and wordless gestures, stiles likes to believe he understands derek well enough that if they were to be put on a team together, they'd absolutely dominate a game of charades. so long as derek is never the one having to guess, anyway.
the mixed signals are throwing him for a loop, though. derek shakes his head no, he's not okay, and stiles immediately straightens up a little, his shoulders squaring off like he's geared to handle whatever the issue here is, even if he's suddenly nervous that he's actually done something wrong. even though he's done literally nothing aside from kiss derek and stand in his apartment.
but then derek nods his head, and stiles draws in a slow breath through his nose. he tries to figure this out, wetting his lower lip, pressing the flat edges of his teeth into the flesh. his eyebrows pull together softly. derek looks pissed, but it's slightly different from his standard pissed face.
derek is okay, though. he says he's okay and that's a good place to start, even though stiles anticipates that derek has more to say. he startles slightly when derek slaps at the bat, jerking it away and lifting his other arm up in front of him like a diagonal barrier, palm open and facing out. he murmurs sharply (jesus. hey, just— okay, all right, it's), then very deliberately holds the bat behind himself, which just makes him look very gentlemanly. or like he's hiding something, which he is.
it takes him a second to refocus, tune back in. when he does, his throat and the bridge of his nose color with a faint blush, spreading out over the subtle rise of his cheekbones. he clears his throat quietly, almost a little awkwardly, but he's not uncomfortable, he's just - flattered. stiles wasn't even doing anything. stiles was literally just standing around.
he doesn't take it negatively. he doesn't quite understand why derek's so shy, but he feels a little bit emboldened, suddenly. stiles makes a show out of rolling his eyes when derek calls him annoying, like it's predictable or just - bland and unimpressive. but he's also smiling. it kind of looks a little bit like when someone has crossed the threshold beyond anger, and just dissolves into slightly maniac laughter, but stiles doesn't smell mad. he isn't angry.
stiles tilts his weight back onto his heels for a moment, then slowly rocks forward onto the balls of his feet, bat still held behind him with one hand. with his other, he reaches up and he curls his index finger under derek's chin so it lies flat, touches the pad of his thumb just under the swell of his lower lip.
he leans in, slowly, and he's still smiling, though it's softened a little. carefully, he inches his thumb up, touches derek's lip right in the middle and tugs down gently, briefly. and then he tilts himself the rest of the way in, and he kisses derek, and it's soft and gentle and brief. it's chaste, and when it's over, stiles keeps his hand where it is, he stays in close. his eyes flick between derek's eyes and his mouth.
he quotes: ]
... You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[ derek doesn't exactly understand why he's so shy, either. it's just - things keep catching up to him in staggered bursts. they got each other off in the barracks and derek was overwhelmed, but it took failed try after failed try before derek felt okay with kissing stiles. they played chess and derek knew that entire time that stiles wanted more, and that derek wanted more, but it wasn't until he was at breaking point that he actually made a move.
hell, even before things started getting serious - derek knew that stiles cared about him, and he knew that he cared about stiles, but it still took frozen feet and an afternoon of sleeping to jurassic park to realize that he wanted to be friends. took even longer to admit he wanted to contract him.
this is just an extension of that. they've fucked, they've become something. not just friends, not just contracted. derek went out of his way to call stiles his boyfriend, and stiles agreed, and now that's what they are. it just - took until now, where he could see stiles standing in front of him, being fucking cute and fucking perfect and fucking obnoxious just by having that fucking stupid face that derek really... felt it.
love. he's in love. he knew it, already, but fuck, look at him. derek could get lost just looking at stiles. how the fuck did he manage to land someone who thinks so highly of him? who takes care of him and saves his life and values him and knows all these horrible things he's done, and still just - stays? when this all goes to hell, he's not going to come back from it. he can't handle another loss. he won't be able to handle this one above all others.
stiles kisses him, and derek makes a noise of quiet discontent, but there's no real emotion behind the protest. it's just an attempt at saving face, even though he has no reason to even try. time stands still and things feel better, things feel anchored, and when stiles first starts to ease away, derek leans in after him and doesn't let him go. the kiss breaks, eventually, but stiles stays close and derek needed that.
he opens his eyes, though he couldn't say when they drifted shut. he looks at stiles, feels his breath, feels this thudding bass drum bolt through his system. he swallows, and he stays, and then he goes, because even though he'd stay here all day if he could, he knows he has to lean back, eventually. ]
Okay. Enough.
[ fucking princess bride, ugh. derek's enamored. he waves his hand through the air and takes a step back, smiling far too broadly than should be allowed. he doesn't want to be one of those guys who just - obsesses, and fawns, and makes who he's dating his entire life. he could be that guy, but he's been that guy twice before, and both times made him blind to a lot of very obvious signs that he shouldn't have missed. he needs to be able to hang out with stiles without immediately wanting to tell him he loves him, immediately wanting to kiss him, immediately wanting to fuck. he needs to stop being so fucking drunk on this.
okay. okay. he shakes his hands, takes a breath, composes himself. rolls up his sleeves, which is pretty unfair, because his biceps looked big when they were covered, and now it's even worse. he wets his lips, looks at stiles, then nods, man to man. okay. composed. very composed. derek "the most composed man" hale. here we go.
derek tugs on stiles' wrist again and walks further into the apartment, and he doesn't know where to go, at first, and it's obvious by the way he frowns and looks around in thought that he doesn't have a plan here. he focuses on the couch, thinks about throwing stiles down and making him play chess again. he looks to the kitchen, thinks about lunch, decides he's not hungry. he looks to the bathroom - thinks of stiles jerking off, thinks of how easy it would have been to join him when he showered over here, thinks of how they're going to break in the new shower once they move.
but that's! not! what! he's! supposed! to be thinking about! derek tugs on stiles' wrist more insistently and pulls him into the bedroom, where the backpack he wrestled from him is resting neatly on the covers. a movie seems safe? stiles is probably sick of watching movies, but a movie seems safe.
he looks at the bag, looks at stiles. nearly says "i really just want to blow you again", but doesn't. he wets his lips, then realizes a crucial step here should have been asking if stiles wanted to hang out, rather than just dragging him along by the arm and assuming he does. he pulls him to the bed anyway, pushes him down, then starts fidgeting with the zipper of the backpack without asking if it's okay. his attempts at being considerate are maybe a little flawed. ]
There's so much I want to do with you. Talk. Fuck. More. But.
[ he finds stiles' laptop, pulls it out, then frowns as he doublechecks the bag for the power cord. it's there, but he doesn't really believe that it's the right cable until he plugs it in, flips the outlet switch and sees the light in the corner saying the laptop's being charged, just because - as much as he loves stiles - he would not have been surprised if he forgot something from the down and had to go back and get it.
elbow-dropping to the bed, the mattress bounces a little, and derek pats the space in front of him. ]
[ they're boyfriends. stiles remembers this rather suddenly while he's still leaned in close, drawing in a deep breath through his nose. it's slightly sharper, like when you've been breathing shallowly for a while and your brain suddenly catches up and tries to make up for it by filling your lungs to capacity. for a moment, he feels slightly overwhelmed, but the anxiety is brief and manageable and nothing close to sour.
derek is his boyfriend, and they're dating, and this feels - this feels good. it feels good and it feels secure and stiles is glad that they're doing this. he's glad that they're going to stop living in separate places on opposite sides of the city, and he's glad they're going to exchange this highrise apartment for something a little more out of the way and private and more comfortable for derek, but also comfortable for stiles too.
stiles feels oddly calm about it, after his initial spike of nervousness.
derek smiles, so naturally, stiles smiles too, though it's much softer. it's faint, and it's fond, and he huffs a quiet breath out through his nose as derek waves his hand and puts and end to stiles' idiocy. derek said he was cute, but he was wrong. stiles is just dumb. he's dumb and he's awkward and he's goofy and sometimes a klutz. and he sometimes quotes older movies when he doesn't know what else to say.
stiles lets derek compose himself, and when he's done pulling himself together or whatever it is he's attempting to do, stiles is still waiting there to meet his eyes when he finally looks up. that little nod makes him want to laugh, derek's expression, all of it, but he saves it. he presses his lips together and he nods back, just once, and he lets himself be led.
at the threshold of the bedroom door, stiles pauses for half a beat and he leans and he does his best to prop his bat up against the door frame, but it's a poor effort. the bat rolls slightly, and then flops own with a muted thump against the carpet. stiles leaves it, and lets derek guide him the rest of the way.
admittedly, he gets the wrong idea at first, though he can hardly be blamed for it when derek is leading him straight to the bedroom after mentioning how badly he wants to kiss stiles. stiles' heart beat skips a little and he twists his hand slightly so he can ghost his fingers along the inside of derek's wrist. he sits down when derek pushes at him, bouncing slightly, unintentional.
and then derek lets him go an he leaves him and he starts to unzip stiles' backpack instead, which forces him to reevaluate. stiles swallows. he's not disappointed, just - a little off track, apparently, which is fine. he's still content. he watches as derek unzips his bag, watches him slide out his laptop and plug it in and flip the switch, and it's all very simple. it's literally nothing, but it's also not nothing.
stiles is going to sleep here with derek tonight. he's slept here before, but he'll sleep here tonight and the only leaving he'll have to do is when he gets out of bed to maybe make some coffee in the morning if derek doesn't beat him to it. if derek even has coffee. he'll leave bed and check if derek has coffee but that's the only sort of leaving he'll do, and there's something comforting in that.
the mattress jostles when derek flops own, jarring stiles out of his drifty thoughts. he blinks a couple times, eyelashes fluttering rapidly, and at derek's invitation, he twists and he climbs up onto the bed and he crawls over on his hands and knees. he stretches out on his stomach in front of derek and he drags his laptop a little so he can start opening him his movie file. ]
I watched one of the Exorcist movies the other day. One of the sequels, although I guess this one was kind of a prequel? Sort of? I dunno, it was garbage. I think I downloaded it forever ago - uh, totally, legally downloaded it - thinking it would be like, halfway decent but.
[ he shrugs, glancing at derek for a moment before he looks back at the screen, tabbing down through the long list of titles. he taps the down arrow key a few times, jumping down to the fall, and cues it up. stiles moves the laptop back, sliding it over the covers so it's in a better place for derek to see it, even if they don't end up watching it. as the opening credits roll, stiles flips from his stomach onto his back and tucks one arm behind his head, turning his head so his cheek rests against his bicep, his other hand splayed lightly over his ribs.
after a beat, he thinks to check on derek, craning his head the other way to look up at him. ]
Can you see okay? There's not a, a glare or anything, right? I can move it.
[ stiles sets up their movie, tells him what they're watching. derek's already zoning out. again, he keeps feeling these hard, heavy realizations in attuned, perceptive bursts - stiles crawled onto the bed with him and pushed open the laptop with his hand, and derek just stared, because it hit him as hard as ever that this... this is his boyfriend. this is his boyfriend, and this is the one person in the world who has had his back when nobody else has, and this is the guy who is just...
his. his? stiles is his. stiles isn't the stupid, annoying kid who didn't know how to handle him; stiles is the grown-ass adult who has been shaped by the world peter forced him into. this is someone kind and loyal and resilient and fucking intelligent, this is someone who is incredibly out of his league but still offers him the kind of love derek thought he'd never have again. this is the reason why derek's so purely, completely happy to be in a city filled with violence and oppression and misery.
derek watches stiles settle, feeling... just... fond. fond of the way stiles, son of a cop, totally pirates movies. fond of the way his hair falls, softer and longer than it ever was at home. fond of the way he makes sure derek can see the screen, fond of the way he lays down, fond of him. it takes derek a second or two to zone back in and realize that stiles asked him a question. ]
Oh - it's fine. Perfect.
[ derek lays down, too, stretching out mostly on his back, halfway on his side. he inches in close to stiles, and he's not sure if they're at the point where they're allowed to just... hold each other during a movie, and - truthfully - even if they are, he doesn't really remember how to do that. that's not going to stop him from taking the chance; tentatively, he reaches out, and he curls arm over stiles' waist, resting his hand against his hip. it's a little awkward, with stiles flat on his back and the laptop slightly out of sight at this angle, but.
derek doesn't mind.
for a while, things are quiet. a few film studios get introduced on screen, there's the humming of old, familiar logos that existed back home but not here. the score to the film picks up, an actor that derek thinks he might recognize but probably doesn't starts setting up the scene. derek moves closer to stiles, and he closes his eyes. they're not quite spooning - they're sort of face to face, with the laptop a few inches above derek's head, and stiles' arm is still comfortably resting on his own chest - but it's cozy, and it's warm, and this is why derek couldn't wait for stiles to move in. this is what he missed.
eventually, he talks. ]
Hey.
[ he moves his hand further back, draping it over stiles' side and resting against his lower back. he rests on his free arm, curling it beneath his head and laying his cheek on his elbow, and he just... looks at stiles, for a second. still fond. ]
I really like you. I know that's sort of weird to say out of nowhere - but.
[ he shrugs, just with one shoulder, nestling further into the bed. the sun hasn't set yet, but the room itself is kind of dark, and stiles looks like he's glowing in the dull, manufactured light from the laptop. half his face is illuminated by the screen, and he just looks... he just makes derek feel safe. it's comforting, seeing him like this. derek wets his lips, and he knows he's going to sound self-defeating when he says this, he knows he's going to sound like he's fishing for reassurance or attention or compliments or something, but he's really not.
but kate's still on his mind, paige is still on his mind. there are things he needs to address. faults in himself he knows stiles is going to have to deal with, if they're serious about this thing. he struggles with honesty, with opening up, he struggles with his temper. everything he wants to do feels new and scary, and he's worried that stiles won't have the patience to deal with helping a fucking twenty two year old man adjust to normal social interaction between two people who are dating.
derek takes a few seconds, then keeps going. ]
I know I'm kind of an asshole, and I know I have a lot of shit to get over before I can be a half-way decent boyfriend, but. If this gets fucked up - you and me - it's not gonna be your fault. You're... pretty incredible. I'm really lucky.
[ stiles should be aware of the staring. he should be aware of derek's eyes on him because he can almost always sense when he's being watched, hypervigilant to the point that he sometimes comes off as overly paranoid. but he doesn't notice, and maybe it's just because derek makes him feel safe. he doesn't get that prickly feeling at the nape of his neck or that tight feeling in his chest because derek isn't a threat to him. derek has never been a threat to him, not really. sure, he's a predator, and he could rip stiles' throat out without even breaking a sweat if he wanted to. sure, he sometimes has long, sharp teeth and sharper claws, but stiles can't ever recall a time derek ever turned those things on him with the intent to hurt him.
so he doesn't notice the staring, at least not until he's actually looking at derek, but he does notice that it's taking derek longer than necessary to answer a simple yes or no question. stiles waits another second or two, idly wondering if maybe derek just didn't hear him, even though it's pretty quiet in the apartment and the movie isn't that loud and derek has heightened senses to rely on. he considers repeating himself, but derek answers and stiles seems pretty satisfied, craning his head back up and turning his attention back to his laptop.
he doesn't react much to derek sliding his arm over his waist. his heart stutters a little, quick and soft and easy, just because he's pleased. but he's also content and comfortable and just - really, really happy. he feels warm, both inside and out. the last time stiles felt this relaxed was - well, it was probably the last time he stayed the night here with derek, but even this is different. this is a kind of peace stiles hasn't felt in a long, long time.
stiles breathes out slowly, lazing comfortably next to derek as he watches the opening scenes unfold. he's seen this movie before, plenty of times actually, but the sets and the color composition and the finer details never fail to draw stiles in and hold his attention. the little girl's ridiculous arm cast and her tendency to hold objects in her stationary hand never fails to amuse him either. somewhere in the back of his mind, he registers derek moving closer, the small space left between them dipping just a little under derek's shifting weight. stiles doesn't really think about it and absently tilts himself slightly onto his side toward derek, his eyes still on his laptop, cheek still pressed into his bicep.
as engrossed as he is by the movie, derek is still more important, more interesting, and as soon as derek speaks, stiles' eyes shift. he tilts his chin down slightly so he can look at him more directly, blinking a couple times to adjust his focus, eyebrows lifting with gentle curiosity. he turns fully onto his side as derek slides his hand to his lower back, giving him his full attention. stiles doesn't know what to do with those few seconds of silence though with derek looking at him the way he is, so he takes his hand from where it's settled in the space between them and gently taps the back of his fist against derek's chest, lightly thumping his knuckles against his pec as he murmurs a quiet 'hmm?'
and then derek hits him with i really like you. stiles breathes out through his nose, one quiet, rushed exhale, and pushes his fist a little more firmly against derek's chest, suddenly a little bashful. he presses his lips together, but it doesn't do much to hide the faint smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, however brief it is. stiles rubs his cheek against his arm like he's trying to wipe away the heat of a barely-there blush, then shifts and settles in just a fraction closer to derek, bending one of his knees until it bumps up against his. ]
S'not stupid. I like - I like... hearing you say it.
[ his own voice is just a quiet hum, low and slightly rough, and it fills the handful of quiet moments in between before derek speaks again. stiles' fingers absently pinch at derek's shirt for a second or two, eyes lowered just slightly, and then he moves his hand to his shoulder, letting it slide lazily down his bicep.
someone narrates quietly somewhere in the background, telling the story of a bandit and his brother, a princess. stiles doesn't hear it at all, in favor if listening to derek instead.
he doesn't agree. stiles doesn't agree that derek is only half-decent, he doesn't agree that if something does go wrong between them, that it's automatically going to be because of something derek did or something he caused or something he didn't do - but he doesn't interrupt, either, and when derek calls him incredible, when derek says he's lucky to have stiles of all people, he's left feeling a little bit breathless for a moment.
stiles' brows pinch slightly, the space between them creasing softly. he looks a little awed, and also a little sad if you look hard enough, long enough. stiles shakes his head, cheek squishing against his arm before he lifts his head to adjust how he's laying. ]
Derek - you're a good boyfriend. You're a great boyfriend. I know - I know we only just... put a label on - all of this, but I know you're great boyfriend because you're a great person. [ he squeezes derek's bicep. ] Don't argue with me on that because you will lose.
[ stiles smiles a little lopsidedly, looking at derek with fondness and adoration and love. he hasn't told derek he loves him again, not since he told him back in the down after his terrible nightmare, but that's not because he feels any differently. he just doesn't want to overwhelm him, doesn't want to push things or make derek feel pressured or obligated or uncomfortable, but god, does stiles love him so much.
his smile fades a little, expression softening. stiles wets his lips and takes an easy breath in, making sure to look derek in the eyes if he'll let him. ]
But you're already taking the blame for something that - probably won't even happen. You can't do that. Please don't do that. You've got - shit to deal with, I've got shit to deal with too, but - we can do that together.
[ he sounds a little unsure, but he also sounds quietly hopeful, too. lord knows stiles has his own mountain of issues, whether they stem from low self-esteem, or putting every iota of energy he's got into being enough or doing enough only to never be told or reassured that he is, or his last, questionable relationship, the only one he's ever had - but stiles isn't willing to let those things soil what he's building with derek, not if he can help it.
stiles is the lucky one, though. back home, derek trusted stiles, probably more than anyone else has save for his own father. derek paid him attention and he acknowledged his intelligence and his efforts, even while rolling his eyes and calling him names, and it sucked when derek left, when stiles lost that. but he has that here, too. he has that now, and stiles is so, so lucky that derek likes him. he's lucky he has someone like derek, who sees him even when stiles feels unseen.
he rubs his cheek against his arm again, gets through a few false starts. ]
You're not... lucky. I don't mean that like— I'm not saying you're an unlucky person, but I mean you just. [ he's a little nervous and he can already tell he's starting to stumble a little, so he takes a second to take a breath and pull himself back. ] You deserve better than the things that've happened to you.
[ both the things derek knows about, and the things he doesn't, things stiles has promised himself he'll tell derek if only for the small chance derek can change his future. stiles wets his lips, his eyes dipping for a second or two. ]
I... want to be that. I want to be better because you deserve that much. I'm trying.
no subject
the mixed signals are throwing him for a loop, though. derek shakes his head no, he's not okay, and stiles immediately straightens up a little, his shoulders squaring off like he's geared to handle whatever the issue here is, even if he's suddenly nervous that he's actually done something wrong. even though he's done literally nothing aside from kiss derek and stand in his apartment.
but then derek nods his head, and stiles draws in a slow breath through his nose. he tries to figure this out, wetting his lower lip, pressing the flat edges of his teeth into the flesh. his eyebrows pull together softly. derek looks pissed, but it's slightly different from his standard pissed face.
derek is okay, though. he says he's okay and that's a good place to start, even though stiles anticipates that derek has more to say. he startles slightly when derek slaps at the bat, jerking it away and lifting his other arm up in front of him like a diagonal barrier, palm open and facing out. he murmurs sharply (jesus. hey, just— okay, all right, it's), then very deliberately holds the bat behind himself, which just makes him look very gentlemanly. or like he's hiding something, which he is.
it takes him a second to refocus, tune back in. when he does, his throat and the bridge of his nose color with a faint blush, spreading out over the subtle rise of his cheekbones. he clears his throat quietly, almost a little awkwardly, but he's not uncomfortable, he's just - flattered. stiles wasn't even doing anything. stiles was literally just standing around.
he doesn't take it negatively. he doesn't quite understand why derek's so shy, but he feels a little bit emboldened, suddenly. stiles makes a show out of rolling his eyes when derek calls him annoying, like it's predictable or just - bland and unimpressive. but he's also smiling. it kind of looks a little bit like when someone has crossed the threshold beyond anger, and just dissolves into slightly maniac laughter, but stiles doesn't smell mad. he isn't angry.
stiles tilts his weight back onto his heels for a moment, then slowly rocks forward onto the balls of his feet, bat still held behind him with one hand. with his other, he reaches up and he curls his index finger under derek's chin so it lies flat, touches the pad of his thumb just under the swell of his lower lip.
he leans in, slowly, and he's still smiling, though it's softened a little. carefully, he inches his thumb up, touches derek's lip right in the middle and tugs down gently, briefly. and then he tilts himself the rest of the way in, and he kisses derek, and it's soft and gentle and brief. it's chaste, and when it's over, stiles keeps his hand where it is, he stays in close. his eyes flick between derek's eyes and his mouth.
he quotes: ]
... You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
no subject
hell, even before things started getting serious - derek knew that stiles cared about him, and he knew that he cared about stiles, but it still took frozen feet and an afternoon of sleeping to jurassic park to realize that he wanted to be friends. took even longer to admit he wanted to contract him.
this is just an extension of that. they've fucked, they've become something. not just friends, not just contracted. derek went out of his way to call stiles his boyfriend, and stiles agreed, and now that's what they are. it just - took until now, where he could see stiles standing in front of him, being fucking cute and fucking perfect and fucking obnoxious just by having that fucking stupid face that derek really... felt it.
love. he's in love. he knew it, already, but fuck, look at him. derek could get lost just looking at stiles. how the fuck did he manage to land someone who thinks so highly of him? who takes care of him and saves his life and values him and knows all these horrible things he's done, and still just - stays? when this all goes to hell, he's not going to come back from it. he can't handle another loss. he won't be able to handle this one above all others.
stiles kisses him, and derek makes a noise of quiet discontent, but there's no real emotion behind the protest. it's just an attempt at saving face, even though he has no reason to even try. time stands still and things feel better, things feel anchored, and when stiles first starts to ease away, derek leans in after him and doesn't let him go. the kiss breaks, eventually, but stiles stays close and derek needed that.
he opens his eyes, though he couldn't say when they drifted shut. he looks at stiles, feels his breath, feels this thudding bass drum bolt through his system. he swallows, and he stays, and then he goes, because even though he'd stay here all day if he could, he knows he has to lean back, eventually. ]
Okay. Enough.
[ fucking princess bride, ugh. derek's enamored. he waves his hand through the air and takes a step back, smiling far too broadly than should be allowed. he doesn't want to be one of those guys who just - obsesses, and fawns, and makes who he's dating his entire life. he could be that guy, but he's been that guy twice before, and both times made him blind to a lot of very obvious signs that he shouldn't have missed. he needs to be able to hang out with stiles without immediately wanting to tell him he loves him, immediately wanting to kiss him, immediately wanting to fuck. he needs to stop being so fucking drunk on this.
okay. okay. he shakes his hands, takes a breath, composes himself. rolls up his sleeves, which is pretty unfair, because his biceps looked big when they were covered, and now it's even worse. he wets his lips, looks at stiles, then nods, man to man. okay. composed. very composed. derek "the most composed man" hale. here we go.
derek tugs on stiles' wrist again and walks further into the apartment, and he doesn't know where to go, at first, and it's obvious by the way he frowns and looks around in thought that he doesn't have a plan here. he focuses on the couch, thinks about throwing stiles down and making him play chess again. he looks to the kitchen, thinks about lunch, decides he's not hungry. he looks to the bathroom - thinks of stiles jerking off, thinks of how easy it would have been to join him when he showered over here, thinks of how they're going to break in the new shower once they move.
but that's! not! what! he's! supposed! to be thinking about! derek tugs on stiles' wrist more insistently and pulls him into the bedroom, where the backpack he wrestled from him is resting neatly on the covers. a movie seems safe? stiles is probably sick of watching movies, but a movie seems safe.
he looks at the bag, looks at stiles. nearly says "i really just want to blow you again", but doesn't. he wets his lips, then realizes a crucial step here should have been asking if stiles wanted to hang out, rather than just dragging him along by the arm and assuming he does. he pulls him to the bed anyway, pushes him down, then starts fidgeting with the zipper of the backpack without asking if it's okay. his attempts at being considerate are maybe a little flawed. ]
There's so much I want to do with you. Talk. Fuck. More. But.
[ he finds stiles' laptop, pulls it out, then frowns as he doublechecks the bag for the power cord. it's there, but he doesn't really believe that it's the right cable until he plugs it in, flips the outlet switch and sees the light in the corner saying the laptop's being charged, just because - as much as he loves stiles - he would not have been surprised if he forgot something from the down and had to go back and get it.
elbow-dropping to the bed, the mattress bounces a little, and derek pats the space in front of him. ]
Background noise is good. Pick something out.
no subject
derek is his boyfriend, and they're dating, and this feels - this feels good. it feels good and it feels secure and stiles is glad that they're doing this. he's glad that they're going to stop living in separate places on opposite sides of the city, and he's glad they're going to exchange this highrise apartment for something a little more out of the way and private and more comfortable for derek, but also comfortable for stiles too.
stiles feels oddly calm about it, after his initial spike of nervousness.
derek smiles, so naturally, stiles smiles too, though it's much softer. it's faint, and it's fond, and he huffs a quiet breath out through his nose as derek waves his hand and puts and end to stiles' idiocy. derek said he was cute, but he was wrong. stiles is just dumb. he's dumb and he's awkward and he's goofy and sometimes a klutz. and he sometimes quotes older movies when he doesn't know what else to say.
stiles lets derek compose himself, and when he's done pulling himself together or whatever it is he's attempting to do, stiles is still waiting there to meet his eyes when he finally looks up. that little nod makes him want to laugh, derek's expression, all of it, but he saves it. he presses his lips together and he nods back, just once, and he lets himself be led.
at the threshold of the bedroom door, stiles pauses for half a beat and he leans and he does his best to prop his bat up against the door frame, but it's a poor effort. the bat rolls slightly, and then flops own with a muted thump against the carpet. stiles leaves it, and lets derek guide him the rest of the way.
admittedly, he gets the wrong idea at first, though he can hardly be blamed for it when derek is leading him straight to the bedroom after mentioning how badly he wants to kiss stiles. stiles' heart beat skips a little and he twists his hand slightly so he can ghost his fingers along the inside of derek's wrist. he sits down when derek pushes at him, bouncing slightly, unintentional.
and then derek lets him go an he leaves him and he starts to unzip stiles' backpack instead, which forces him to reevaluate. stiles swallows. he's not disappointed, just - a little off track, apparently, which is fine. he's still content. he watches as derek unzips his bag, watches him slide out his laptop and plug it in and flip the switch, and it's all very simple. it's literally nothing, but it's also not nothing.
stiles is going to sleep here with derek tonight. he's slept here before, but he'll sleep here tonight and the only leaving he'll have to do is when he gets out of bed to maybe make some coffee in the morning if derek doesn't beat him to it. if derek even has coffee. he'll leave bed and check if derek has coffee but that's the only sort of leaving he'll do, and there's something comforting in that.
the mattress jostles when derek flops own, jarring stiles out of his drifty thoughts. he blinks a couple times, eyelashes fluttering rapidly, and at derek's invitation, he twists and he climbs up onto the bed and he crawls over on his hands and knees. he stretches out on his stomach in front of derek and he drags his laptop a little so he can start opening him his movie file. ]
I watched one of the Exorcist movies the other day. One of the sequels, although I guess this one was kind of a prequel? Sort of? I dunno, it was garbage. I think I downloaded it forever ago - uh, totally, legally downloaded it - thinking it would be like, halfway decent but.
[ he shrugs, glancing at derek for a moment before he looks back at the screen, tabbing down through the long list of titles. he taps the down arrow key a few times, jumping down to the fall, and cues it up. stiles moves the laptop back, sliding it over the covers so it's in a better place for derek to see it, even if they don't end up watching it. as the opening credits roll, stiles flips from his stomach onto his back and tucks one arm behind his head, turning his head so his cheek rests against his bicep, his other hand splayed lightly over his ribs.
after a beat, he thinks to check on derek, craning his head the other way to look up at him. ]
Can you see okay? There's not a, a glare or anything, right? I can move it.
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his. his? stiles is his. stiles isn't the stupid, annoying kid who didn't know how to handle him; stiles is the grown-ass adult who has been shaped by the world peter forced him into. this is someone kind and loyal and resilient and fucking intelligent, this is someone who is incredibly out of his league but still offers him the kind of love derek thought he'd never have again. this is the reason why derek's so purely, completely happy to be in a city filled with violence and oppression and misery.
derek watches stiles settle, feeling... just... fond. fond of the way stiles, son of a cop, totally pirates movies. fond of the way his hair falls, softer and longer than it ever was at home. fond of the way he makes sure derek can see the screen, fond of the way he lays down, fond of him. it takes derek a second or two to zone back in and realize that stiles asked him a question. ]
Oh - it's fine. Perfect.
[ derek lays down, too, stretching out mostly on his back, halfway on his side. he inches in close to stiles, and he's not sure if they're at the point where they're allowed to just... hold each other during a movie, and - truthfully - even if they are, he doesn't really remember how to do that. that's not going to stop him from taking the chance; tentatively, he reaches out, and he curls arm over stiles' waist, resting his hand against his hip. it's a little awkward, with stiles flat on his back and the laptop slightly out of sight at this angle, but.
derek doesn't mind.
for a while, things are quiet. a few film studios get introduced on screen, there's the humming of old, familiar logos that existed back home but not here. the score to the film picks up, an actor that derek thinks he might recognize but probably doesn't starts setting up the scene. derek moves closer to stiles, and he closes his eyes. they're not quite spooning - they're sort of face to face, with the laptop a few inches above derek's head, and stiles' arm is still comfortably resting on his own chest - but it's cozy, and it's warm, and this is why derek couldn't wait for stiles to move in. this is what he missed.
eventually, he talks. ]
Hey.
[ he moves his hand further back, draping it over stiles' side and resting against his lower back. he rests on his free arm, curling it beneath his head and laying his cheek on his elbow, and he just... looks at stiles, for a second. still fond. ]
I really like you. I know that's sort of weird to say out of nowhere - but.
[ he shrugs, just with one shoulder, nestling further into the bed. the sun hasn't set yet, but the room itself is kind of dark, and stiles looks like he's glowing in the dull, manufactured light from the laptop. half his face is illuminated by the screen, and he just looks... he just makes derek feel safe. it's comforting, seeing him like this. derek wets his lips, and he knows he's going to sound self-defeating when he says this, he knows he's going to sound like he's fishing for reassurance or attention or compliments or something, but he's really not.
but kate's still on his mind, paige is still on his mind. there are things he needs to address. faults in himself he knows stiles is going to have to deal with, if they're serious about this thing. he struggles with honesty, with opening up, he struggles with his temper. everything he wants to do feels new and scary, and he's worried that stiles won't have the patience to deal with helping a fucking twenty two year old man adjust to normal social interaction between two people who are dating.
derek takes a few seconds, then keeps going. ]
I know I'm kind of an asshole, and I know I have a lot of shit to get over before I can be a half-way decent boyfriend, but. If this gets fucked up - you and me - it's not gonna be your fault. You're... pretty incredible. I'm really lucky.
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so he doesn't notice the staring, at least not until he's actually looking at derek, but he does notice that it's taking derek longer than necessary to answer a simple yes or no question. stiles waits another second or two, idly wondering if maybe derek just didn't hear him, even though it's pretty quiet in the apartment and the movie isn't that loud and derek has heightened senses to rely on. he considers repeating himself, but derek answers and stiles seems pretty satisfied, craning his head back up and turning his attention back to his laptop.
he doesn't react much to derek sliding his arm over his waist. his heart stutters a little, quick and soft and easy, just because he's pleased. but he's also content and comfortable and just - really, really happy. he feels warm, both inside and out. the last time stiles felt this relaxed was - well, it was probably the last time he stayed the night here with derek, but even this is different. this is a kind of peace stiles hasn't felt in a long, long time.
stiles breathes out slowly, lazing comfortably next to derek as he watches the opening scenes unfold. he's seen this movie before, plenty of times actually, but the sets and the color composition and the finer details never fail to draw stiles in and hold his attention. the little girl's ridiculous arm cast and her tendency to hold objects in her stationary hand never fails to amuse him either. somewhere in the back of his mind, he registers derek moving closer, the small space left between them dipping just a little under derek's shifting weight. stiles doesn't really think about it and absently tilts himself slightly onto his side toward derek, his eyes still on his laptop, cheek still pressed into his bicep.
as engrossed as he is by the movie, derek is still more important, more interesting, and as soon as derek speaks, stiles' eyes shift. he tilts his chin down slightly so he can look at him more directly, blinking a couple times to adjust his focus, eyebrows lifting with gentle curiosity. he turns fully onto his side as derek slides his hand to his lower back, giving him his full attention. stiles doesn't know what to do with those few seconds of silence though with derek looking at him the way he is, so he takes his hand from where it's settled in the space between them and gently taps the back of his fist against derek's chest, lightly thumping his knuckles against his pec as he murmurs a quiet 'hmm?'
and then derek hits him with i really like you. stiles breathes out through his nose, one quiet, rushed exhale, and pushes his fist a little more firmly against derek's chest, suddenly a little bashful. he presses his lips together, but it doesn't do much to hide the faint smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, however brief it is. stiles rubs his cheek against his arm like he's trying to wipe away the heat of a barely-there blush, then shifts and settles in just a fraction closer to derek, bending one of his knees until it bumps up against his. ]
S'not stupid. I like - I like... hearing you say it.
[ his own voice is just a quiet hum, low and slightly rough, and it fills the handful of quiet moments in between before derek speaks again. stiles' fingers absently pinch at derek's shirt for a second or two, eyes lowered just slightly, and then he moves his hand to his shoulder, letting it slide lazily down his bicep.
someone narrates quietly somewhere in the background, telling the story of a bandit and his brother, a princess. stiles doesn't hear it at all, in favor if listening to derek instead.
he doesn't agree. stiles doesn't agree that derek is only half-decent, he doesn't agree that if something does go wrong between them, that it's automatically going to be because of something derek did or something he caused or something he didn't do - but he doesn't interrupt, either, and when derek calls him incredible, when derek says he's lucky to have stiles of all people, he's left feeling a little bit breathless for a moment.
stiles' brows pinch slightly, the space between them creasing softly. he looks a little awed, and also a little sad if you look hard enough, long enough. stiles shakes his head, cheek squishing against his arm before he lifts his head to adjust how he's laying. ]
Derek - you're a good boyfriend. You're a great boyfriend. I know - I know we only just... put a label on - all of this, but I know you're great boyfriend because you're a great person. [ he squeezes derek's bicep. ] Don't argue with me on that because you will lose.
[ stiles smiles a little lopsidedly, looking at derek with fondness and adoration and love. he hasn't told derek he loves him again, not since he told him back in the down after his terrible nightmare, but that's not because he feels any differently. he just doesn't want to overwhelm him, doesn't want to push things or make derek feel pressured or obligated or uncomfortable, but god, does stiles love him so much.
his smile fades a little, expression softening. stiles wets his lips and takes an easy breath in, making sure to look derek in the eyes if he'll let him. ]
But you're already taking the blame for something that - probably won't even happen. You can't do that. Please don't do that. You've got - shit to deal with, I've got shit to deal with too, but - we can do that together.
[ he sounds a little unsure, but he also sounds quietly hopeful, too. lord knows stiles has his own mountain of issues, whether they stem from low self-esteem, or putting every iota of energy he's got into being enough or doing enough only to never be told or reassured that he is, or his last, questionable relationship, the only one he's ever had - but stiles isn't willing to let those things soil what he's building with derek, not if he can help it.
stiles is the lucky one, though. back home, derek trusted stiles, probably more than anyone else has save for his own father. derek paid him attention and he acknowledged his intelligence and his efforts, even while rolling his eyes and calling him names, and it sucked when derek left, when stiles lost that. but he has that here, too. he has that now, and stiles is so, so lucky that derek likes him. he's lucky he has someone like derek, who sees him even when stiles feels unseen.
he rubs his cheek against his arm again, gets through a few false starts. ]
You're not... lucky. I don't mean that like— I'm not saying you're an unlucky person, but I mean you just. [ he's a little nervous and he can already tell he's starting to stumble a little, so he takes a second to take a breath and pull himself back. ] You deserve better than the things that've happened to you.
[ both the things derek knows about, and the things he doesn't, things stiles has promised himself he'll tell derek if only for the small chance derek can change his future. stiles wets his lips, his eyes dipping for a second or two. ]
I... want to be that. I want to be better because you deserve that much. I'm trying.