Yeah You thinking being clean-shaven would somehow make you even an iota less attractive than you currently are is pretty stupid, you're right. Apology accepted.
… Okay. You do have a point there I guess. A shitty point that shouldn't even be a point because people suck (pun like 50% intended, because vampires, get it), but. A point nonetheless.
I probably shouldn't tell you about I'm The Alpha Incident then.
Absolutely not what I meant. But fine. I give up. You're right. I am the most physically attractive man in the world.
I'm always right. I always have a point. I don't know this guy, so I'm not going to definitively declare him to be, you know. Like that. Maybe he just hates Rosalind. Maybe he's like Peter and thinks vampires have to meet a certain standard. But. Does seem like a dick.
Okay, relax. Let's not get carried away. Dr. Ian Malcolm does exist. Somewhere.
[ kidding! 95% kidding. ]
Yeah, okay. You're always right and I'm the best player our lacrosse team has ever seen. Anyway.
Do I really have to explain? Do you not already know what I'm going to say? I don't feel like I really have to tell you that After you stomped that syringe of wolfsbane and Alpha'd the shit out of Isaac I may or may not have gone home later and Had another bisexual awakening Late at night While thinking about you saying "I'm the Alpha" like some kind badass If you know what I mean
I know we have this whole exclusivity thing going on, but. If Doctor Ian Fucking Malcolm shows up here and asks for a blowjob, I'm not going to get mad at you for caving.
[ dot dot dot. ]
We could... do something with that. If you wanted. Really lean into this whole D/S aesthetic, for once. I could tell you I'm your Alpha. Give you orders. Pull your hair, tie you up. Edge you for an entire day. Go full Fifty Shades with it. Again: if you wanted.
I'm offended that you think I'd cave. I'm a committed man, babe. Come on. I'll just jerk it furiously to the JP theme, call it a day, and we'll never speak of it.
[ but uh. dot dot fuckin' dot. it takes a minute for stiles to even start to respond. ]
... Do you think you could handle that? I'm not That isn't a challenge I'm genuinely asking Like
[ . . . ]
Say I wanted that. Say I did everything you asked me to Say I let you tie me down and tease me until I can't take it Say I called you Alpha. Would you be able to handle that?
[ because derek did ask him kind of recently if he'd ever let him give him the bite, if he'd let him be the alpha to his beta, if stiles said yes, and stiles doesn't want to play with something dangerous if it's just going to end in derek being disappointed that it'll only ever go so far. ]
derek hadn't really... thought that far ahead. maybe that's just reflective of how he's been, since his arrival; quick to act on action and gut-instinct without seeing how negatively his choices could impact him in the long run. stiles brings up a very fucking real point, and derek's... not sure how to respond.
he's a little offended, actually. offended that stiles would even have to ask. his first impulse is to get defensive and shoot down all his worries, call him out for thinking he's so weak-willed that he'd let fucking roleplay get all in his head like that. but - the thing is - derek doesn't trust himself. derek's never trusted himself. maybe he'd handle it. he thinks he could. maybe he couldn't. he probably couldn't.
maybe the fact that he's this fucking desperate to hear stiles call him alpha - this fucking turned on by the idea that even hearing him write the words say i called you alpha got him harder than steel, made him feel like he's standing in fire, made him bite the inside of his cheek so hard that it really, really started to hurt - is enough to show that this might be too much for him. he doesn't want stiles to be his beta, he knows that, he knows he wants them to be what they are, but -
but he doesn't trust himself. ]
I know you don't want me to be your Alpha. Not really. So.
I never said that. I’ve never said I wouldn’t want you to be my Alpha. Me not wanting the bite isn’t the same thing. Me being human doesn’t mean I can’t be part of a pack. And if it does, then you’re telling me people have been lying to me and playing along with my delusions this entire time.
[ stiles doesn't know what he's asking. they shouldn't be having this conversation. it's to late to have this conversation. ]
That's not what we are.
[ he wants that to be what they are, but - come on. ]
It's - complicated. I want to believe that humans can be part of your pack. But. It's complicated. And. Even if it wasn't? You have Scott. Scott doesn't want to be in my pack. I know you're a package deal.
Scott kicked me out once. Did it so easily, like he was just waiting for me to slip up. One good reason, and it wasn't even true. But if you're telling me humans can't be pack If you're telling me that's why it was so easy for him to cut me out, because I was never even part of it in the first place How's that a package deal?
[ he's not - saying humans can't be pack. he knows humans can be pack. humans were a part of his fucking family, he knows humans can be pack, it's just-- paige died, because peter told him they couldn't be. it's so hard to get that out of his head, sometimes.
that doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. he needs to stop fucking talking about paige, about peter, about - everyone. scott kicked stiles out. scott kicked stiles out, and that's - insane, and it goes completely against every image derek's been cultivating of scott in his head, every fucking grace he's been giving him, and for a second he just. doesn't know what to say. ]
[ it's - too much too explain over text, too complicated. how'd they go from talking about some light bdsm to - this? and so quickly. ]
Because someone told him I did something I didn't actually do Not the way they said I did And he took their word Never once came to me and asked me what really happened I told him from the beginning that something didn't feel right about this kid But I'm just crazy. I'm just paranoid.
[ derek's -- immediately typing a reply, halfway through sending more questions, when stiles cuts him off and says he has to go. derek's thumb hovers over his screen, trying to decide... what the fuck to do, then, if stiles doesn't want to talk to him about this, and ultimately just... backspaces it all.
he writes we're not done, we're still talking about this, but backspaces that, too.]
[ stiles - doesn't want to talk about it. but he's the one who brought any of this up in the first place, and they're supposed to talk about things. stiles said he would try to be better about keeping things to himself, but all he wants right now is for derek to just forget he said anything at all. about scott, about humans and packs.
and it's stupid, that he still carries scott's rejection with him even now. they got over this - they made up, back home, but stiles isn't good at letting go of the things that hurt him, and scott kicking him out cut deep. put some things in perspective.
[ something's cut pretty deep here. it took months of being together for stiles to breach this, and... on the one hand, derek understands better than anyone, the need to stay quiet and reserved about the things that hurt. on the other hand, being kicked out of scott's pack feels like it might be a leading item on a list of things stiles might want to talk about it, and derek's admittedly thrown by only hearing about it now. they've always been inseparable. that's what derek thought.
he doesn't push the conversation any further. he shuts his phone off, gives stiles some space, and he does what talia did, when she knew a night was going to be hard. when she knew she had to break the news that someone had been hunted, or that someone had left a pack. he cooks dinner. it's not hannibal lecter-tiers of culinary proficiency, and it's not the first time he's cooked a meal for stiles since moving into the den, either, but it's the first time he's done it like this.
he's dishing up when stiles gets home. it's just - pasta and chicken and a clumsily thrown together salad, but it's not chinese or pizza, so at least it's a change. hopefully it's as good as talia's dinners, even if it's nothing like her thanksgivings.
derek doesn't... say hello, he just... briefly looks up at the door as it slides open, adding the last bit of silverware. he's not hungry, but. tradition is tradition. ]
[ the sun is only just beginning to set by the time stiles makes for home. it's not a very far walk, but the bus would get him there faster. still, he opts to go on foot if only for the little extra time to be alone, to - not have to look at someone he loves and tell them that he killed someone. to not have to stand there and watch the disgust cross over their face, the disappointment, the repulsion, like he did with scott.
stiles stands at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the den for a solid thirty seconds, fingers twisting and pulling at the ring on his right hand, the ring he's been thinking about moving to his left, because that's where derek wears his, and he's not sure if it means anything, but there's a part of him that wants it to. it probably won't really matter by the end of the night.
he feels a little bit sick as he makes his way up the stairs. stiles doesn't know if derek is home, hasn't looked at his phone since the last text he sent him, but. this is something he can't avoid, now that it's out there. still, he lingers at the top of the stairs for a handful of moments too, then takes a deep, steadying breath, and unlocks the door. he slides it open quietly, eyes purposely downcast as he steps inside and turns to lock everything back up. when he turns back around, he's only a little bit surprised to see derek in the kitchen, setting cutlery down next to what looks to be a home-cooked meal.
stiles stands there awkwardly for a moment, maybe uncomfortably, but he offers a small, tight-lipped smile, gesturing kind of vaguely at the hall to his right, murmuring because he knows derek will still hear him. ]
I'm... just gonna change really quick.
[ the walk back home was kind of warm, and while he's not sweating, the subtle heat still clings to his clothes, the layers making him feel a uncharacteristically claustrophobic. stiles takes a few backward steps, then turns and disappears down the hall into the bedroom. he's not gone for long, though, trades his flannel and his undershirt out for a simple t-shirt, swaps his jeans for sweatpants, slides out of his shoes.
when he comes back, he slides into a seat at the kitchen island, and he seems a little more lively, but the contrasting anxiety and fear and self-loathing building up inside of him only make it obvious that he's trying too hard.
he doesn't look at derek, focusing instead on the meal, fingers playing with the silverware by his plate. ]
Did you make this? [ dumb question, but it fills the silence. ] It smells really good.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
You thinking being clean-shaven would somehow make you even an iota less attractive than you currently are is pretty stupid, you're right.
Apology accepted.
… Okay.
You do have a point there I guess.
A shitty point that shouldn't even be a point because people suck (pun like 50% intended, because vampires, get it), but.
A point nonetheless.
I probably shouldn't tell you about I'm The Alpha Incident then.
no subject
But fine. I give up. You're right.
I am the most physically attractive man in the world.
I'm always right. I always have a point.
I don't know this guy, so I'm not going to definitively declare him to be, you know. Like that. Maybe he just hates Rosalind.
Maybe he's like Peter and thinks vampires have to meet a certain standard.
But.
Does seem like a dick.
Tell me about the I'm The Alpha Incident.
no subject
Let's not get carried away.
Dr. Ian Malcolm does exist.
Somewhere.
[ kidding! 95% kidding. ]
Yeah, okay.
You're always right and I'm the best player our lacrosse team has ever seen.
Anyway.
Do I really have to explain?
Do you not already know what I'm going to say?
I don't feel like I really have to tell you that
After you stomped that syringe of wolfsbane and Alpha'd the shit out of Isaac
I may or may not have gone home later and
Had another bisexual awakening
Late at night
While thinking about you saying "I'm the Alpha" like some kind badass
If you know what I mean
no subject
If Doctor Ian Fucking Malcolm shows up here and asks for a blowjob, I'm not going to get mad at you for caving.
[ dot dot dot. ]
We could... do something with that.
If you wanted.
Really lean into this whole D/S aesthetic, for once.
I could tell you I'm your Alpha. Give you orders. Pull your hair, tie you up. Edge you for an entire day.
Go full Fifty Shades with it.
Again: if you wanted.
no subject
I'm a committed man, babe.
Come on.
I'll just jerk it furiously to the JP theme, call it a day, and we'll never speak of it.
[ but uh. dot dot fuckin' dot. it takes a minute for stiles to even start to respond. ]
... Do you think you could handle that?
I'm not
That isn't a challenge
I'm genuinely asking
Like
[ . . . ]
Say I wanted that.
Say I did everything you asked me to
Say I let you tie me down and tease me until I can't take it
Say I called you Alpha.
Would you be able to handle that?
[ because derek did ask him kind of recently if he'd ever let him give him the bite, if he'd let him be the alpha to his beta, if stiles said yes, and stiles doesn't want to play with something dangerous if it's just going to end in derek being disappointed that it'll only ever go so far. ]
no subject
derek hadn't really... thought that far ahead. maybe that's just reflective of how he's been, since his arrival; quick to act on action and gut-instinct without seeing how negatively his choices could impact him in the long run. stiles brings up a very fucking real point, and derek's... not sure how to respond.
he's a little offended, actually. offended that stiles would even have to ask. his first impulse is to get defensive and shoot down all his worries, call him out for thinking he's so weak-willed that he'd let fucking roleplay get all in his head like that. but - the thing is - derek doesn't trust himself. derek's never trusted himself. maybe he'd handle it. he thinks he could. maybe he couldn't. he probably couldn't.
maybe the fact that he's this fucking desperate to hear stiles call him alpha - this fucking turned on by the idea that even hearing him write the words say i called you alpha got him harder than steel, made him feel like he's standing in fire, made him bite the inside of his cheek so hard that it really, really started to hurt - is enough to show that this might be too much for him. he doesn't want stiles to be his beta, he knows that, he knows he wants them to be what they are, but -
but he doesn't trust himself. ]
I know you don't want me to be your Alpha. Not really.
So.
[ so... yeah. that's not an answer. ]
no subject
I’ve never said I wouldn’t want you to be my Alpha.
Me not wanting the bite isn’t the same thing.
Me being human doesn’t mean I can’t be part of a pack.
And if it does, then you’re telling me people have been lying to me and playing along with my delusions this entire time.
[ and that doesn’t make him feel good. ]
no subject
That's not what we are.
[ he wants that to be what they are, but - come on. ]
It's - complicated. I want to believe that humans can be part of your pack. But.
It's complicated.
And.
Even if it wasn't? You have Scott.
Scott doesn't want to be in my pack. I know you're a package deal.
no subject
Scott kicked me out once.
Did it so easily, like he was just waiting for me to slip up.
One good reason, and it wasn't even true.
But if you're telling me humans can't be pack
If you're telling me that's why it was so easy for him to cut me out, because I was never even part of it in the first place
How's that a package deal?
no subject
that doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. he needs to stop fucking talking about paige, about peter, about - everyone. scott kicked stiles out. scott kicked stiles out, and that's - insane, and it goes completely against every image derek's been cultivating of scott in his head, every fucking grace he's been giving him, and for a second he just. doesn't know what to say. ]
Why did he do that?
no subject
Because someone told him I did something I didn't actually do
Not the way they said I did
And he took their word
Never once came to me and asked me what really happened
I told him from the beginning that something didn't feel right about this kid
But I'm just crazy. I'm just paranoid.
[ . . . ]
I have to go.
I'm going to be late.
no subject
he writes we're not done, we're still talking about this, but backspaces that, too.]
Can we talk about this when you're back?
no subject
and it's stupid, that he still carries scott's rejection with him even now. they got over this - they made up, back home, but stiles isn't good at letting go of the things that hurt him, and scott kicking him out cut deep. put some things in perspective.
he needs to do better. ]
If that's what you want.
no subject
[ something's cut pretty deep here. it took months of being together for stiles to breach this, and... on the one hand, derek understands better than anyone, the need to stay quiet and reserved about the things that hurt. on the other hand, being kicked out of scott's pack feels like it might be a leading item on a list of things stiles might want to talk about it, and derek's admittedly thrown by only hearing about it now. they've always been inseparable. that's what derek thought.
he doesn't push the conversation any further. he shuts his phone off, gives stiles some space, and he does what talia did, when she knew a night was going to be hard. when she knew she had to break the news that someone had been hunted, or that someone had left a pack. he cooks dinner. it's not hannibal lecter-tiers of culinary proficiency, and it's not the first time he's cooked a meal for stiles since moving into the den, either, but it's the first time he's done it like this.
he's dishing up when stiles gets home. it's just - pasta and chicken and a clumsily thrown together salad, but it's not chinese or pizza, so at least it's a change. hopefully it's as good as talia's dinners, even if it's nothing like her thanksgivings.
derek doesn't... say hello, he just... briefly looks up at the door as it slides open, adding the last bit of silverware. he's not hungry, but. tradition is tradition. ]
no subject
stiles stands at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the den for a solid thirty seconds, fingers twisting and pulling at the ring on his right hand, the ring he's been thinking about moving to his left, because that's where derek wears his, and he's not sure if it means anything, but there's a part of him that wants it to. it probably won't really matter by the end of the night.
he feels a little bit sick as he makes his way up the stairs. stiles doesn't know if derek is home, hasn't looked at his phone since the last text he sent him, but. this is something he can't avoid, now that it's out there. still, he lingers at the top of the stairs for a handful of moments too, then takes a deep, steadying breath, and unlocks the door. he slides it open quietly, eyes purposely downcast as he steps inside and turns to lock everything back up. when he turns back around, he's only a little bit surprised to see derek in the kitchen, setting cutlery down next to what looks to be a home-cooked meal.
stiles stands there awkwardly for a moment, maybe uncomfortably, but he offers a small, tight-lipped smile, gesturing kind of vaguely at the hall to his right, murmuring because he knows derek will still hear him. ]
I'm... just gonna change really quick.
[ the walk back home was kind of warm, and while he's not sweating, the subtle heat still clings to his clothes, the layers making him feel a uncharacteristically claustrophobic. stiles takes a few backward steps, then turns and disappears down the hall into the bedroom. he's not gone for long, though, trades his flannel and his undershirt out for a simple t-shirt, swaps his jeans for sweatpants, slides out of his shoes.
when he comes back, he slides into a seat at the kitchen island, and he seems a little more lively, but the contrasting anxiety and fear and self-loathing building up inside of him only make it obvious that he's trying too hard.
he doesn't look at derek, focusing instead on the meal, fingers playing with the silverware by his plate. ]
Did you make this? [ dumb question, but it fills the silence. ] It smells really good.