[ he'll stay in that cafeteria all fucking day, if he has to. he's just... not sure how tate is going to make friends if he's nervous about talking to people. the whole isolate yourself and hate everyone approach has sort of turned derek into a bit of an island, sssso. he's concerned, if that's not what tate wants. ]
Thanks for coming to me with this. Could've gone to anyone.
Yeah. You're not supporting the system by doing what you need to within it to survive. You're just keeping your head down. Doubt anyone in charge around here cares if you die, so. Starving yourself won't do anything.
Ask for extra therapy sessions, maybe. Call everyone "sir". Get contracted.
their idea of therapy makes me want to blow my brains out, so idk about that
["Sir" also brings up bad vibes, but he doesn't want to seem childish, tearing down every suggestion Derek makes. So when he brings up getting contracted, too, he hesitates. He knows that's the goal here - the whole fucking purpose in this shit hole. More so now in Fort Harmony, where they're really cracking down on dynamics.]
contracts seem like they should be important i'm not doing that just because it's expected i want it to matter or at least profit me
No, that makes sense. I feel the same. This whole system is fucked up. I want to take care of people. Especially if those people are... mine. If that makes sense. Contracts feel like a perversion of that. A bond between two people this strong should be mutually beneficial. Consensual.
[ still secondguessing the contract he's signed, but. only a little bit. it's just hard not to have a handful of doubts, especially when he's... talking about how shitty the contract system is. ]
Don't sign a contract with someone you don't care about.
it's kind of funny that's the shit they used to say back home about sex "it should mean something", etc. here that doesn't matter. this IS the new sex weird bdsm kink shit.
It turns out that I'm actually crushingly aroused by the thought of committing disciplinary action against flat-assed, bony twinks. Hope that won't be a problem for us going forward.
[ he likes like 2 other people but he's not going to say that. ]
Don't like the therapist I'm being forced to see, at least. Forced to see so that I can better regulate my behaviour in accordance to a society I don't want to be a part of. I just sit there, too. Staring. Silently. Trying to make them uncomfortable. Works pretty well.
[And he likes you too, Derek. Enough that maybe he wants to emulate you. Do what you do, take your angle on a situation and mimic it. At the very least, he's just curious about Derek's responses and how to cater to them here. They've been talking about a lot more lately than he thought they would.]
I didn't trust my therapist back home, not that much here it's even worse. what we say can really be used against us but I think I miss having the ability to talk to sort out my head. just a little
[ derek can understand that. the fear, the lack of trust. he's felt that for long enough now that he can't remember what life was like when he didn't feel like people could fuck him over the second they find a reason to do so. if he can alleviate that in tate, save him from some of the things derek goes through, then - he wants to do that. ]
Like I said - I'm here, if you need to talk. I can't do anything other than talk. Not a therapist. Barely capable of using more than one syllable at a time. But I don't want you to feel like you're alone while you're here.
[ a pause. derek anxiously taps his nails on the side of his phone before he continues. ]
You need to find your people. Your pack. I can be a part of that.
[That can apply to a few things; having someone to talk to, and to feel out how deep the well of trust goes. Someone else around to help him find 'his pack'. Kind of cringe in phrasing, but it definitely sounds like some jock wolf pack deal. And with what he's learned about Derek recently? It fits, for a basketball captain. Gross, though. Still gross.]
I've met some terrible people in my life. There's a very high bar you have to reach before I'll think any less of you.
[ that's not strictly true, he judges people very easily. but. from what he knows about tate, he figures his therapy sessions are just about how much he hates his mom and how he definitely definitely has never ever had any gay thoughts in his life, so like. derek's not exactly worried about what tate might need to get off his chest. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he'll stay in that cafeteria all fucking day, if he has to. he's just... not sure how tate is going to make friends if he's nervous about talking to people. the whole isolate yourself and hate everyone approach has sort of turned derek into a bit of an island, sssso. he's concerned, if that's not what tate wants. ]
Thanks for coming to me with this.
Could've gone to anyone.
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smarter this way, right?
[#ReassureMe]
I don't know what else to do for my mark so this better work
I'm not gonna screw ppl just for that
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You're not supporting the system by doing what you need to within it to survive. You're just keeping your head down.
Doubt anyone in charge around here cares if you die, so. Starving yourself won't do anything.
Ask for extra therapy sessions, maybe.
Call everyone "sir".
Get contracted.
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["Sir" also brings up bad vibes, but he doesn't want to seem childish, tearing down every suggestion Derek makes. So when he brings up getting contracted, too, he hesitates. He knows that's the goal here - the whole fucking purpose in this shit hole. More so now in Fort Harmony, where they're really cracking down on dynamics.]
contracts seem like they should be important
i'm not doing that just
because it's expected
i want it to matter
or at least profit me
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No, that makes sense. I feel the same. This whole system is fucked up.
I want to take care of people. Especially if those people are... mine. If that makes sense.
Contracts feel like a perversion of that. A bond between two people this strong should be mutually beneficial. Consensual.
[ still secondguessing the contract he's signed, but. only a little bit. it's just hard not to have a handful of doubts, especially when he's... talking about how shitty the contract system is. ]
Don't sign a contract with someone you don't care about.
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that's the shit they used to say back home about sex
"it should mean something", etc.
here that doesn't matter. this IS the new sex
weird bdsm kink shit.
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Nobody really believed that, either.
Maybe you should ask a dude to spank you. In front of your therapist.
They'd like that.
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Hope that won't be a problem for us going forward.
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[...]
with the therapists here
do you
actually talk to them?
during sessions
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I mean, do I seem like the kind of guy that needs therapy?
[ wow, wait, don't answer that. ]
Shut up. Pre-emptively.
Do I seem like I'm big on talking?
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but that's a no, then?
I don't know what to do during my sessions
I just sit there
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I don't like anyone else.
[ he likes like 2 other people but he's not going to say that. ]
Don't like the therapist I'm being forced to see, at least. Forced to see so that I can better regulate my behaviour in accordance to a society I don't want to be a part of.
I just sit there, too.
Staring. Silently. Trying to make them uncomfortable.
Works pretty well.
Why do you ask?
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[And he likes you too, Derek. Enough that maybe he wants to emulate you. Do what you do, take your angle on a situation and mimic it. At the very least, he's just curious about Derek's responses and how to cater to them here. They've been talking about a lot more lately than he thought they would.]
I didn't trust my therapist back home, not that much
here it's even worse. what we say can really be used against us
but I think I miss having the ability to talk
to sort out my head. just a little
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Like I said - I'm here, if you need to talk.
I can't do anything other than talk. Not a therapist. Barely capable of using more than one syllable at a time.
But I don't want you to feel like you're alone while you're here.
[ a pause. derek anxiously taps his nails on the side of his phone before he continues. ]
You need to find your people. Your pack.
I can be a part of that.
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[That can apply to a few things; having someone to talk to, and to feel out how deep the well of trust goes. Someone else around to help him find 'his pack'. Kind of cringe in phrasing, but it definitely sounds like some jock wolf pack deal. And with what he's learned about Derek recently? It fits, for a basketball captain. Gross, though. Still gross.]
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Good.
Do you want to talk... now?
About real things, I mean. Things you'd talk about in therapy.
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I've met some terrible people in my life.
There's a very high bar you have to reach before I'll think any less of you.
[ that's not strictly true, he judges people very easily. but. from what he knows about tate, he figures his therapy sessions are just about how much he hates his mom and how he definitely definitely has never ever had any gay thoughts in his life, so like. derek's not exactly worried about what tate might need to get off his chest. ]
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not like this. but in person.
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[ ... ]
During the day, though.
Been caught by the guards wandering around at night more than once already.
Don't want to get you into trouble.
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tho honestly, all we have to say is we're shacking up
doubt they'd give a shit about getting some fresh air, then
but okay. during the day.
after lunch tomorrow?
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Okay.
Not like I'll be busy.
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