You know what it's like to have someone that's yours?
[Maybe it sounds like a radical change of subject, but whatever. It's not. Not really. He doesn't say more, though, just takes his weight off Derek's shoulder and sits back again. He can't stay still.]
I know. Tried to hook up one that was pure business, but that didn't pan out.
[Before he hooked Gerry, he'd gone on a date - or something like it - with Morrigan. That would've been a solid arrangement: separate living, contractual obligations, done. Everything else felt messy. Everything else had been with someone he wanted for one reason or another. Even Gerry, in the end. But he's not going to try to keep someone that's already halfway out the door.]
Whatever, I'll hit the network in a month or so and see what pops up. Maybe I'll just play roulette with the city and let them pick one.
[ Again, Derek thinks of Stiles, choosing to say nothing in response to Kavinsky's question. It just feels... privileged and selfish and shitty to say something like "being in a contract with someone doesn't make them yours", when every contract he's been in for the past two years has either been possessive or romantic. Kavinsky's not doing it on purpose, but shit, he's just really making Derek feel like a dick today. ]
Don't leave it up to chance. Don't give LIES any more power over you than it already has.
[ There's a pause, here, while Derek looks at Kavinsky and tries to figure out the kind of damage he might do asking this next question. ]
Have you ever... tried to make things better between you and the kids you know from home?
[ Noah's basically the only one Derek knows, but - he knows about that whole little unit. ]
[Maybe this is why it's better not to let Kavinsky talk.]
No. [He doesn't even really hesitate.] Me and Adam...
[He trails off, pushes down whatever he was thinking or, worse, about to say.]
They aren't interested and neither am I.
[The closest he is to anything like that right now is the fact that Ronan is around fairly frequently. It's not a secret that he hangs around here, but he's also pretty sure neither Adam nor Noah are particularly thrilled about that. Adam hasn't spoken to him since he reappeared, remembering nothing, and that's probably for the best. Kavinsky hasn't exactly reached out to him, either.]
[ Derek doesn't hide the fact that he's curious about what Kavinsky was about to say - me and Adam - watching him expectantly like he thinks there's still a chance he'll finish the thought. When it doesn't come, Derek exhales softly, letting it go. Still wants to know, though. ]
Why not? Connections to home are hard to come by here. Maybe fixing whatever happened between all of you could be what you need to feel like this second chance is worth it.
[ Or something. What the fuck would he know. Derek's confidence falters a little, and he laughs, humorless and sharp. Fucking hell, nevermind. ]
Then again, I'm a hypocrite, so - you probably shouldn't listen to me. I wouldn't be interested in reuniting with most people from Beacon Hills, either.
I'm the bad guy, babe. Pretty sure they're all happy that I stay that way.
[Kavinsky doesn't think there's any fixing that. Ronan was the only one ever interested in Henrietta and that was fine. He didn't want anyone else. But God, it felt so fucking good to see Dick Gansey with that submissive line on his throat. He disappeared forever ago, but Kavinsky holds on to that memory.]
Some people just don't matter. [He's not quite saying that in his voice: he's clearly doing an impression of someone. He laughs.] Ronan hangs around, that's fine.
[That's all he needs. Maybe knowing he died mellowed Kavinsky's obsession out. Maybe he just found something else while Ronan wasn't here. He thinks of Adam again, and he thinks of Derek, and for a few seconds he hates both of them all over again.]
[ Derek's quiet, listening as he tends to do, silent and far away. The more Kavinsky talks, the more he realizes that there's just so much about this kid he doesn't know. Whenever they talk like this, Derek gets some insight into his life back home that he didn't have before, and it paints a clearer, more stable picture of who he was before Duplicity. It's never anything good. ]
You don't have to be a bad guy, you know. You're not defined by the mistakes you've made, or - the shit you've been through. You're just... fucked up. That can be fixed.
[ Whether or not Kavinsky thinks so, Derek believes that everything has the innate potential to change and improve. He leans back on his hands, watches Kavinsky in silence for a few seconds longer, and maintains eye contact when he asks what he thinks he might need to ask. If Kavinsky thinks he's this unforgivable, unchanging monster, he's killing whatever chance he might have to grow, so. Derek's gotta help him work on that the way people helped him. ]
[The deflection is probably as revealing as anything else. There's something hollow in the way Kavinsky looks at Derek. Then he rolls his eyes and looks away, jaw going tense and relaxing. What does it matter? Derek has been looking for a reason to kill him for like a year, right?
Why the fuck not.]
My dad, [he says after a moment.] Illy.
[That second one is questionable, but whatever. It's his fault. He's the reason.]
[ Derek expected Kavinsky to get defensive, but he wasn't sure if he would answer him in spite of that. When he does, Derek tries to make it clear that he's not asking to be... cruel, or critical, or anything. His fingers graze over the small of Kavinsky's back then move inwards, resting his hands on his thighs, just trying to communicate some measure of calm through soft touch alone. ]
Killing has been...
[ Unavoidable, he wants to say, but he hesitates and changes his mind at the last second. He made a choice, when he killed his uncle. Made choices that led to Paige's death. Boyd's. Erica's. Laura's. Derek shakes his head, walks down a different road. ]
I've killed. People I loved. People I didn't. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes not. It's been - a big part of who I am. For a long time.
[ And he doesn't think that makes him a monster, or - unforgivable, or whatever, and he doesn't know if that's something Kavinsky feels about himself, or not, but he wants to at least put it out there that he gets it if he does. Sometimes he thinks Kavinsky cares about that shit. Sometimes he thinks Kavinsky doesn't give a fuck who he hurts, or how badly he hurts them, and doesn't think that reflects on him as a person at all. That grey area is what makes it hard for Derek to commit to expressing his point. ]
[Kavinsky isn't a fucking werewolf, though. Something in him goes dull when Derek asks about that name. That boy. Kavinsky rubs his hand along his face and he tries to remember if he's ever spoken this name out loud to Derek before.]
Prokopenko. He was my friend.
[If he thinks too long and too hard, he might call Prokopenko his only friend. He had his boys, but he kind of collected them because Proko had them first. And for as long as Kavinsky has been here, he's missed that stupid boy like a limb. Like some essential organ. He noticed its absence every time he opened his eyes.
And he's been tempted, so many times, to bring him back here like he did in Henrietta. Just to feel him again.]
[ Derek knows shreds of information about Prokopenko - that he was Kavinsky's best friend, that Kavinsky saw him die, that there was an overdose, or something. That they kissed, that they fought. It's new information that he was responsible for his death, but it doesn't really change Derek's point. Only cements it, if anything. ]
You're smart. Smart enough to see how this shit screwed you up. Losing your best friend, growing up with an asshole like your father - that leaves scars. Damage like that can make someone do bad things.
[ He's being preachy and sanctimonious, and he's really not going to be shocked if Kavinsky ends up just kicking him out and choosing to get high, but Derek's changed enough times in his life to want to say something. Christ knows nobody else in Kavinsky's life cares about him enough to try and help. ]
You can change, if you want to. That's all I'm saying. If you're worried that people are leaving you because you're not... enough, or if you're worried that you're stuck in this bad guy image forever - things can be done. No matter how irredeemable you might think you are.
You wanna hear about my mom, too? Oh, how about the first time I tried to have sex? That is an awesome fucking story.
[He's done the therapy thing and he is not fucking interested. Especially if it involves a positive-change lecture by Derek fucking Hale. And he sure as fuck does not want to talk about how he feels about himself.
His gaze lands on Derek again, a little more intense this time.]
You wanna know what I did? I brought both of them back. Even after mom dragged me out to bumfuck Virginia, my dad was still back in New Jersey doing his shit and sending money. And no one ever knew Proko was gone.
[ Ah, man, the walls are up. Derek, if anything, just looks disappointed by the added layer of hostility Kavinsky's giving him. It's already taking a lot of conscious effort to try and help Kavinsky through his shit instead of doing his usual shtick of lambasting him for being a dangerous asshole, always acting like he's the only person in the world who's ever felt angry or grief-stricken. The defensive attempts to shock Derek won't help either of them.
Derek chooses to just reply quickly and quietly, still holding eye contact. ]
Doesn't sound like you're happy with the choices you've made.
[God he's so fucking tired. Kavinsky covers his face for a second, lets himself close his eyes. And he just fucking stays like that for a few seconds, trying to focus on the places Derek is touching him. He doesn't want to deal with any of this. And he's pretty sure Derek has no idea how much he fucks him up every time he comes around.
He drops his hands so he can look at Derek again.]
Are any of us?
[Yeah, he's sure there are people who are thrilled with their lives. Good for them. Kavinsky doesn't regret killing his father. That was terrifying and cathartic. But, he doesn't want to wallow in that memory, either. He wants to be in oblivion. He wants to be in a place where he feels like he has control.
He knows it's probably not going to go anywhere, but he slides his hands along Derek's jaw and kisses him.]
[ Derek is passive, when it comes to the kiss. He doesn't shoot Kavinsky down or turn him away, but he doesn't put the same raw energy into it that he has the last few times they've hooked up. He parts his lips, gives Kavinsky access to his tongue, tilts his chin up to let Kavinsky do what he likes to him - but it's very disconnected. When they break away, Derek still just seems disappointed with where this is going.
He doesn't want to contribute to Kavinsky's loneliness, doesn't want to make him go through another rejection so soon after losing another sub, but with how often they've skirted the line of genuinely giving at least a tenth of a fuck about one another, Derek feels pretty guilty about all the rough, regrettable hookups and stupid choices they've both made. Feels like they could fall back into a pretty toxic pattern while Kavinsky's at a low point.
He wants to help Kavinsky feel better. But - ]
... if you're just going to self-destruct when I leave, there's no point in doing this. I don't want to just - be a distraction. I want to help.
[The passivity makes Kavinsky's stomach drop. He pulls away faster than he might have otherwise, because that is something he can't handle. Not when the person he's with is wide awake. What is so damn wrong with how they've been? It's been good, right? They both get something out of it. He doesn't regret anything.
As much as he wants the physical contact, Kavinsky forces himself to move. He gets off of Derek and sits on the bed again. He taps his thumb against his knee, something more subtle than bouncing his leg. He really doesn't want to have a fucking break down in front of anyone.]
You do.
[Even if Derek thinks all this shit is toxic, it means something to him.]
[ It's starting to matter to Derek, this fear that he'll somehow make things worse for Kavinsky than he already has. The quick, immediate retraction does more to convince Derek to commit to this than anything else would have. One deep breath later, one long exhale later, and Derek's made the decision to just - try to help however he can. Clearly talking hasn't done shit. ]
Okay.
[ He stands, now that he has the space. He looks to Kavinsky's drawer, to his wardrobe, plays with the idea of finding some rope, tying Kavinsky down, taking his control and making him frustrated enough through whatever Derek might do to him so he can work out some of this anger by kicking at his restraints and telling Derek to just let him come already. He looks back at Kavinsky, though, and just - ]
Okay. Fine.
[ - just decides that he might need to connect with someone, for a while, even if that someone has to be Derek. Derek drops back onto bed, straddling Kavinsky's hips and pinning him down to the mattress with his waist, and the kiss he gives him this time is better, more alive, than the last. He holds Kavinsky by the chin and keeps him steady while he leans in, bites at his bottom lip, demands access - he gives Kavinsky the kind of intense, sudden kiss he doesn't tend to give him when the city's aphrodisiacs or the full moon aren't influencing him. It's greedy and quick, like he's taking the kiss rather than sharing it, and when he pulls back, he stays close, hand on Kavinsky's chest. His eyes still aren't in this, completely, but - he's getting there. ]
[Kavinsky doesn't close his eyes right away as Derek kisses him. But it's better this time, it's living this time. He lets his eyes close and he feels fucking--weak. His lips part after Derek bites him and as the intensity ramps up, he finally moves. His hand slides over the back of Derek's neck, clinging to him, even as the kiss breaks.
He looks up, and he doesn't...
He should just take this. It's what he wants, isn't it? Even if this isn't what he'd been thinking about when he texted Derek. Why the fuck did he text him?]
Don't, [he mutters, and it feels weird to say. He doesn't want Derek to pull away, but he doesn't want to be a pity fuck, either. Just like he didn't want Gerry to stay because he felt bad for him. And even if he wants someone to hurt him - anything to avoid the fucking feelings roiling around in him - he doesn't want pity. Being angry is so much fucking easier than this.
Kavinsky needs to fucking say something. His hand tightens a little on Derek's neck. God, he is so fucking pathetic. He relaxes his grip and lets his hand slide over Derek's chest.]
What the fuck is wrong with me.
[Apply that where you will, because it can cover a lot right now.]
[ All Derek needs to do is hear the word don't to freeze up immediately, putting the brakes on this as fast as he can. He doesn't pull away - wouldn't be able to even if he wanted to, with Kavinsky's hand around his neck - and he waits, patient, for things to keep moving. When Kavinsky croaks out his question, Derek just sees this as progress, if anything. There's a crossroads here, and Derek feels like he has to be the one to decide which path they take. ]
This place is taking its toll on you. You're sad. That's all.
[ He's not going to go any deeper than that. Not going to make Kavinsky feel more fucked up than he needs to. Reluctantly, and knowing that Kavinsky might take it as a rejection, Derek decides to peel back, giving him his space. He stares at Kavinsky from the middle of the bed, and then, sighing, finally looks away. ]
I don't know how to make it better. Long-term. Kids like you that I tried to help back home ended up either hurt or dead. This isn't - what I do.
[ A pause. He looks down. ]
I don't think fucking me will help you. Hurting yourself, getting high... that won't help, either. You're just going to feel like this again, if you keep going the way you're going.
[He is too fucking sober for this bullshit. Kavinsky doesn't try to keep Derek what he is, just lays flat and wills himself not to dissolve anymore than he already has. His heart is pounding and all he wants to do is escape this. He doesn't even care how anymore.
He doesn't want someone to save him. He's fucking fine.
But he desperately wants to stop being left alone. And that, more than anything, makes him feel pathetic.]
[ Feels like he's up against a brick wall again. That brief feeling of progress sparked up and died out just as fast, and now Derek feels like they're exactly where they were a few minutes ago - with Derek failing to communicate despite the difficulty he feels in opening up, and Kavinsky getting angry and taking what Derek's saying as a useless attack. It's all just - disappointing. Derek is disappointed again. ]
I didn't say it was. Just... you need a better way of...
[ He trails off. He's just - repeating himself. Derek, again, feels like being here is proving to be far from conducive to Kavinsky's mood, and he sighs, looks up at the ceiling. Sometimes he doesn't know how they got here, with everything Kavinsky's done. ]
[It's the second time he's said it and it feels just as vulnerable as the first time. He's looking at Derek, and instead of anger and frustration there's something else.]
We can do whatever you want, just--stay. I'll fucking stay sober if you want.
[If Derek wants to fuck because that's what they're used to, fine. If he doesn't, also fine. But Kavinsky cannot handle the sight of someone else walking out the fucking door right now. He pushes himself up a bit, hating how desperate he feels. Hating how weak this makes him feel. But he's fucking... trying. He has no idea what the fuck he's doing, but he's trying.
They both suck at this. But Derek showed up. He fucking showed up and that means something, right? Something Kavinsky isn't sure he wants to investigate too closely, because it's possible it will go up in flames like everything else he touches. But Derek is here.]
[ The more time Derek spends here, the more he wonders if Kavinsky really gives a shit that it was him who showed up, or if he just - doesn't want to be by himself. He probably only reached out to Derek on a whim, and that's - fine, honestly, but it makes it harder for Derek to navigate this. He doesn't want to put all this time and energy into helping someone who doesn't want to be helped if, under all the almost-caring and short little bursts of empathy, that someone doesn't really care about him.
His go-to instinct is to take Kavinsky training, work out some of that grief on a few punching bags and iron shackles, but teaching him how to fight like a werewolf seems like a pretty fucking terrible idea. He racks his mind for things he knows Kavinsky likes, other than, like, drugs and getting his ass torn up, and there's only one thing that really comes to mind. ]
We're gonna fuck with your car.
[ Probably pointless, if Kavinsky's just going to blow it up in a few days, but Derek's made a decision. He's gonna get Kavinsky out of this room, if only for a little while. ]
Clean it, mod it. Tune it up. We're gonna be productive. Constructive. You're probably going to hate it.
[But it wasn't a whim. Maybe he can't ever tell Derek that, or how much it tears him up every time he hears Joey in a tone that isn't mocking. That sounds like someone gives a shit. He doesn't know when the shift in his head happened, but it scares the fuck out of him.
He laughs, kind of startled, when Derek announces they're going to work on his fucking car. If he can't escape into dreams, then yeah, that's probably the next best thing. He rubs his hand over his face, but he nods.]
Yeah, okay.
[He's not even going to argue. He's pretty good with his hands, even if most people assume he's fucking useless at anything that doesn't involve getting high. And he's got a mind for mechanics. His shit would be worthless if he didn't.]
Am I allowed to have beer? I feel like this shit kind of requires a six pack.
[Look, beer isn't going to do much and he knows it's not going to do anything to Derek, so what's the harm?]
[ Unfortunately for Kavinsky, being under the scrutinizing, watchful eyes of Derek Hale means conceding control to a complete and total hardass. Kavinsky asks for beer the second Derek stands, reaches out, and grabs him by the forearm, tugging him out of bed like he weighs next to nothing. ]
Nope. I know what you're capable of. Might not really be beer.
[ Could be spiked. Could be - fucking - dream-beer, or whatever, a fancy, fantasy beveerage most comparable to liquified cocaine or something. Derek's already walking backwards, heading towards the door. ]
You go a couple hours dry, just working with your hands and hanging out with me, I'll give you a reward. Whatever you want. Free lapdance, or something.
[ 'Cause fucking might not help, but if he can use it as an incentive to keep him focused on something that could, then - whatever. ]
[He smirks, because Derek is not wrong. Who knows what the hell he has around here that isn't what it seems. Kavinsky leans his weight back just a bit as he walks, just to feel the tension between his arm and Derek's. At least the view is nice as he's pulled along.
Maybe this isn't what he expected, but he's not disappointed. Hanging out with Derek and dicking around with his car isn't a disappointment.]
I'm holding you to that.
[Because of course he is. And Derek's not getting out of that no matter how much Kavinsky relaxes or manages to enjoy himself.
He makes Derek pull him through half the house before he takes over, leading the rest of the way. At least the car isn't on the road, means they don't have to worry about traffic. This particular Evo has actually been around for a while. A survivor.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Maybe it sounds like a radical change of subject, but whatever. It's not. Not really. He doesn't say more, though, just takes his weight off Derek's shoulder and sits back again. He can't stay still.]
I know. Tried to hook up one that was pure business, but that didn't pan out.
[Before he hooked Gerry, he'd gone on a date - or something like it - with Morrigan. That would've been a solid arrangement: separate living, contractual obligations, done. Everything else felt messy. Everything else had been with someone he wanted for one reason or another. Even Gerry, in the end. But he's not going to try to keep someone that's already halfway out the door.]
Whatever, I'll hit the network in a month or so and see what pops up. Maybe I'll just play roulette with the city and let them pick one.
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Don't leave it up to chance. Don't give LIES any more power over you than it already has.
[ There's a pause, here, while Derek looks at Kavinsky and tries to figure out the kind of damage he might do asking this next question. ]
Have you ever... tried to make things better between you and the kids you know from home?
[ Noah's basically the only one Derek knows, but - he knows about that whole little unit. ]
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No. [He doesn't even really hesitate.] Me and Adam...
[He trails off, pushes down whatever he was thinking or, worse, about to say.]
They aren't interested and neither am I.
[The closest he is to anything like that right now is the fact that Ronan is around fairly frequently. It's not a secret that he hangs around here, but he's also pretty sure neither Adam nor Noah are particularly thrilled about that. Adam hasn't spoken to him since he reappeared, remembering nothing, and that's probably for the best. Kavinsky hasn't exactly reached out to him, either.]
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Why not? Connections to home are hard to come by here. Maybe fixing whatever happened between all of you could be what you need to feel like this second chance is worth it.
[ Or something. What the fuck would he know. Derek's confidence falters a little, and he laughs, humorless and sharp. Fucking hell, nevermind. ]
Then again, I'm a hypocrite, so - you probably shouldn't listen to me. I wouldn't be interested in reuniting with most people from Beacon Hills, either.
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[Kavinsky doesn't think there's any fixing that. Ronan was the only one ever interested in Henrietta and that was fine. He didn't want anyone else. But God, it felt so fucking good to see Dick Gansey with that submissive line on his throat. He disappeared forever ago, but Kavinsky holds on to that memory.]
Some people just don't matter. [He's not quite saying that in his voice: he's clearly doing an impression of someone. He laughs.] Ronan hangs around, that's fine.
[That's all he needs. Maybe knowing he died mellowed Kavinsky's obsession out. Maybe he just found something else while Ronan wasn't here. He thinks of Adam again, and he thinks of Derek, and for a few seconds he hates both of them all over again.]
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You don't have to be a bad guy, you know. You're not defined by the mistakes you've made, or - the shit you've been through. You're just... fucked up. That can be fixed.
[ Whether or not Kavinsky thinks so, Derek believes that everything has the innate potential to change and improve. He leans back on his hands, watches Kavinsky in silence for a few seconds longer, and maintains eye contact when he asks what he thinks he might need to ask. If Kavinsky thinks he's this unforgivable, unchanging monster, he's killing whatever chance he might have to grow, so. Derek's gotta help him work on that the way people helped him. ]
Did you kill anyone back home?
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[The deflection is probably as revealing as anything else. There's something hollow in the way Kavinsky looks at Derek. Then he rolls his eyes and looks away, jaw going tense and relaxing. What does it matter? Derek has been looking for a reason to kill him for like a year, right?
Why the fuck not.]
My dad, [he says after a moment.] Illy.
[That second one is questionable, but whatever. It's his fault. He's the reason.]
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Killing has been...
[ Unavoidable, he wants to say, but he hesitates and changes his mind at the last second. He made a choice, when he killed his uncle. Made choices that led to Paige's death. Boyd's. Erica's. Laura's. Derek shakes his head, walks down a different road. ]
I've killed. People I loved. People I didn't. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes not. It's been - a big part of who I am. For a long time.
[ And he doesn't think that makes him a monster, or - unforgivable, or whatever, and he doesn't know if that's something Kavinsky feels about himself, or not, but he wants to at least put it out there that he gets it if he does. Sometimes he thinks Kavinsky cares about that shit. Sometimes he thinks Kavinsky doesn't give a fuck who he hurts, or how badly he hurts them, and doesn't think that reflects on him as a person at all. That grey area is what makes it hard for Derek to commit to expressing his point. ]
Who was Illy?
no subject
Prokopenko. He was my friend.
[If he thinks too long and too hard, he might call Prokopenko his only friend. He had his boys, but he kind of collected them because Proko had them first. And for as long as Kavinsky has been here, he's missed that stupid boy like a limb. Like some essential organ. He noticed its absence every time he opened his eyes.
And he's been tempted, so many times, to bring him back here like he did in Henrietta. Just to feel him again.]
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You're smart. Smart enough to see how this shit screwed you up. Losing your best friend, growing up with an asshole like your father - that leaves scars. Damage like that can make someone do bad things.
[ He's being preachy and sanctimonious, and he's really not going to be shocked if Kavinsky ends up just kicking him out and choosing to get high, but Derek's changed enough times in his life to want to say something. Christ knows nobody else in Kavinsky's life cares about him enough to try and help. ]
You can change, if you want to. That's all I'm saying. If you're worried that people are leaving you because you're not... enough, or if you're worried that you're stuck in this bad guy image forever - things can be done. No matter how irredeemable you might think you are.
no subject
You wanna hear about my mom, too? Oh, how about the first time I tried to have sex? That is an awesome fucking story.
[He's done the therapy thing and he is not fucking interested. Especially if it involves a positive-change lecture by Derek fucking Hale. And he sure as fuck does not want to talk about how he feels about himself.
His gaze lands on Derek again, a little more intense this time.]
You wanna know what I did? I brought both of them back. Even after mom dragged me out to bumfuck Virginia, my dad was still back in New Jersey doing his shit and sending money. And no one ever knew Proko was gone.
[Just him.]
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Derek chooses to just reply quickly and quietly, still holding eye contact. ]
Doesn't sound like you're happy with the choices you've made.
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He drops his hands so he can look at Derek again.]
Are any of us?
[Yeah, he's sure there are people who are thrilled with their lives. Good for them. Kavinsky doesn't regret killing his father. That was terrifying and cathartic. But, he doesn't want to wallow in that memory, either. He wants to be in oblivion. He wants to be in a place where he feels like he has control.
He knows it's probably not going to go anywhere, but he slides his hands along Derek's jaw and kisses him.]
no subject
He doesn't want to contribute to Kavinsky's loneliness, doesn't want to make him go through another rejection so soon after losing another sub, but with how often they've skirted the line of genuinely giving at least a tenth of a fuck about one another, Derek feels pretty guilty about all the rough, regrettable hookups and stupid choices they've both made. Feels like they could fall back into a pretty toxic pattern while Kavinsky's at a low point.
He wants to help Kavinsky feel better. But - ]
... if you're just going to self-destruct when I leave, there's no point in doing this. I don't want to just - be a distraction. I want to help.
no subject
As much as he wants the physical contact, Kavinsky forces himself to move. He gets off of Derek and sits on the bed again. He taps his thumb against his knee, something more subtle than bouncing his leg. He really doesn't want to have a fucking break down in front of anyone.]
You do.
[Even if Derek thinks all this shit is toxic, it means something to him.]
no subject
Okay.
[ He stands, now that he has the space. He looks to Kavinsky's drawer, to his wardrobe, plays with the idea of finding some rope, tying Kavinsky down, taking his control and making him frustrated enough through whatever Derek might do to him so he can work out some of this anger by kicking at his restraints and telling Derek to just let him come already. He looks back at Kavinsky, though, and just - ]
Okay. Fine.
[ - just decides that he might need to connect with someone, for a while, even if that someone has to be Derek. Derek drops back onto bed, straddling Kavinsky's hips and pinning him down to the mattress with his waist, and the kiss he gives him this time is better, more alive, than the last. He holds Kavinsky by the chin and keeps him steady while he leans in, bites at his bottom lip, demands access - he gives Kavinsky the kind of intense, sudden kiss he doesn't tend to give him when the city's aphrodisiacs or the full moon aren't influencing him. It's greedy and quick, like he's taking the kiss rather than sharing it, and when he pulls back, he stays close, hand on Kavinsky's chest. His eyes still aren't in this, completely, but - he's getting there. ]
I'll take care of you. Just - relax.
no subject
He looks up, and he doesn't...
He should just take this. It's what he wants, isn't it? Even if this isn't what he'd been thinking about when he texted Derek. Why the fuck did he text him?]
Don't, [he mutters, and it feels weird to say. He doesn't want Derek to pull away, but he doesn't want to be a pity fuck, either. Just like he didn't want Gerry to stay because he felt bad for him. And even if he wants someone to hurt him - anything to avoid the fucking feelings roiling around in him - he doesn't want pity. Being angry is so much fucking easier than this.
Kavinsky needs to fucking say something. His hand tightens a little on Derek's neck. God, he is so fucking pathetic. He relaxes his grip and lets his hand slide over Derek's chest.]
What the fuck is wrong with me.
[Apply that where you will, because it can cover a lot right now.]
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This place is taking its toll on you. You're sad. That's all.
[ He's not going to go any deeper than that. Not going to make Kavinsky feel more fucked up than he needs to. Reluctantly, and knowing that Kavinsky might take it as a rejection, Derek decides to peel back, giving him his space. He stares at Kavinsky from the middle of the bed, and then, sighing, finally looks away. ]
I don't know how to make it better. Long-term. Kids like you that I tried to help back home ended up either hurt or dead. This isn't - what I do.
[ A pause. He looks down. ]
I don't think fucking me will help you. Hurting yourself, getting high... that won't help, either. You're just going to feel like this again, if you keep going the way you're going.
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He doesn't want someone to save him. He's fucking fine.
But he desperately wants to stop being left alone. And that, more than anything, makes him feel pathetic.]
It's not a crime to want to feel alive.
[So fucking there.]
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I didn't say it was. Just... you need a better way of...
[ He trails off. He's just - repeating himself. Derek, again, feels like being here is proving to be far from conducive to Kavinsky's mood, and he sighs, looks up at the ceiling. Sometimes he doesn't know how they got here, with everything Kavinsky's done. ]
Maybe I should just head out.
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Don't.
[It's the second time he's said it and it feels just as vulnerable as the first time. He's looking at Derek, and instead of anger and frustration there's something else.]
We can do whatever you want, just--stay. I'll fucking stay sober if you want.
[If Derek wants to fuck because that's what they're used to, fine. If he doesn't, also fine. But Kavinsky cannot handle the sight of someone else walking out the fucking door right now. He pushes himself up a bit, hating how desperate he feels. Hating how weak this makes him feel. But he's fucking... trying. He has no idea what the fuck he's doing, but he's trying.
They both suck at this. But Derek showed up. He fucking showed up and that means something, right? Something Kavinsky isn't sure he wants to investigate too closely, because it's possible it will go up in flames like everything else he touches. But Derek is here.]
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His go-to instinct is to take Kavinsky training, work out some of that grief on a few punching bags and iron shackles, but teaching him how to fight like a werewolf seems like a pretty fucking terrible idea. He racks his mind for things he knows Kavinsky likes, other than, like, drugs and getting his ass torn up, and there's only one thing that really comes to mind. ]
We're gonna fuck with your car.
[ Probably pointless, if Kavinsky's just going to blow it up in a few days, but Derek's made a decision. He's gonna get Kavinsky out of this room, if only for a little while. ]
Clean it, mod it. Tune it up. We're gonna be productive. Constructive. You're probably going to hate it.
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He laughs, kind of startled, when Derek announces they're going to work on his fucking car. If he can't escape into dreams, then yeah, that's probably the next best thing. He rubs his hand over his face, but he nods.]
Yeah, okay.
[He's not even going to argue. He's pretty good with his hands, even if most people assume he's fucking useless at anything that doesn't involve getting high. And he's got a mind for mechanics. His shit would be worthless if he didn't.]
Am I allowed to have beer? I feel like this shit kind of requires a six pack.
[Look, beer isn't going to do much and he knows it's not going to do anything to Derek, so what's the harm?]
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Nope. I know what you're capable of. Might not really be beer.
[ Could be spiked. Could be - fucking - dream-beer, or whatever, a fancy, fantasy beveerage most comparable to liquified cocaine or something. Derek's already walking backwards, heading towards the door. ]
You go a couple hours dry, just working with your hands and hanging out with me, I'll give you a reward. Whatever you want. Free lapdance, or something.
[ 'Cause fucking might not help, but if he can use it as an incentive to keep him focused on something that could, then - whatever. ]
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[He smirks, because Derek is not wrong. Who knows what the hell he has around here that isn't what it seems. Kavinsky leans his weight back just a bit as he walks, just to feel the tension between his arm and Derek's. At least the view is nice as he's pulled along.
Maybe this isn't what he expected, but he's not disappointed. Hanging out with Derek and dicking around with his car isn't a disappointment.]
I'm holding you to that.
[Because of course he is. And Derek's not getting out of that no matter how much Kavinsky relaxes or manages to enjoy himself.
He makes Derek pull him through half the house before he takes over, leading the rest of the way. At least the car isn't on the road, means they don't have to worry about traffic. This particular Evo has actually been around for a while. A survivor.]