I know you don't want to, but - If she doesn't want to be with you, what's the alternative? Pining after her until she changes her mind? Crying about how much you miss her? Don't be stupid. You're smarter than that. There'll be other girls.
I like you. Stiles likes you. I know that's not what you mean, but. She was your first. Not your last. You'll find someone else. Someone else after that, too, probably. That's how life works.
I can help you find focus. What do you like to do? I know you like reading. You could write something.
sometimes things are just... so important to me she was that thing. before her I was just
[trying to give a ghost a baby, uh]
it's not like a hobby or like. I guess it's a passion but it doesn't feel like something I can just pick it just happens. and in between I feel like useless shit
[ this, to derek, sounds like something tate could find if he were pack. a constant routine of protecting yourself and protecting others and finding value and self-worth in that kind of survival. derek doesn't bring up the bite, but. thinks about it. ]
["If someone makes you feel safe, whether just in general, or maybe talking about something, or if you feel confident in relying on them, they're probably someone you can trust." Something Stiles said to him, that Tate's thinking over. While, ironically, Stiles and Derek are lowkey betraying that trust. IT'S COOL.]
my siblings couldn't always protect themselves. if I'd done a better job, my brother would've probably still been alive
[ fuck, poor tate. you were a kid, derek types, hypocritically. the damage he did at sixteen is immeasurable. while he thinks tate had way more responsibility on his shoulders than derek ever did and really can't be blamed for anything that might have happened, he - can't argue that without thinking of himself.
carefully, derek navigates another stream, instead. ]
[ derek... gets an idea of what happened. it'd - be easy, to bridge the distance here and say that he understands what it's like to be betrayed. to talk about paige's death, orchestrated through peter and delivered by someone else. to go into detail about why kate burned his family, caging eleven people in his basement. for a good, long second, he actually considers it, but. ]
You were only a kid. You're still a kid. You couldn't have known your mother would do something like that. Wouldn't have been able to stop her if you did.
Can't think like that. You would have done more if you knew, but. You didn't. Not your fault. You're a victim in all of this, too.
I had two sisters. One older, one younger. Laura and I were both at school when the fire hit. We survived. We lived together for six years. Recovering. I relied on her more than I should have. She was too young for all that responsibility. She was murdered. Not long ago. I killed her killer. Tore his throat open. I know what it's like. Hating someone that hurt your family.
[ there were motivations behind peter's death that went beyond revenge. reasons why derek killed him that would make him sound less morally reprehensible, if he brought them up. reasons why killing peter was the only way to stop beacon hills from being terrorized, reasons why killing peter would prevent countless deaths. he's not - going to bring any of that up, because what he did was horrible, and he's not going to try to justify it. ]
that doesn't surprise derek as much as he thought it would. he actually just... slowly exhales, feeling his shoulders slump, like he's been waiting for another shoe to drop and it finally has. like he's pulled off a bandaid, rather than been confronted by something new.
tate's dangerous. tate's always been dangerous. derek knew this. it's hard being confronted with that, but it's not as if he can't understand why it happened, and - and he just instinctively, naturally assumes that tate regrets what he did as much as derek regrets hurting peter. he just - goes into this wishing he knew how to ease the guilt he's so so sure tate must be feeling. ]
We're alike. I think. We've both lost a lot. We've both been angry. We've both hurt people.
I know we've already talked about-- trusting each other, and what it means to be pack, and everything else-- But you have to let me look out for you while you're here. Regardless of whether or not you take the bite. I care about you. I want your time here to be so much better than it was back home.
[ that feeling in his gut - the one telling him not to take tate at face value, even now - it's lessening, as time goes on. suffocating, maybe, under all of derek's want to trust him anyway. ]
You're a good person. Know it in my heart. You deserve a chance to be happy.
[ how should he phrase "i hate literally everybody and i don't like being in public at the best of times let alone when i'm in a hypersexual city where everybody's fucking everybody else literally all the time". hm. ]
Going out here isn't exactly fun. There's a beach, right by my house. You've gotta cut through the woods to get there, but. That's fine. We can hang out there. Maybe.
can I exploit you a bit since you're a dom. and you can actually buy pretzels? I can give you money for it just. man. I really want some fucking pretzels
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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she was so important.
moving on makes that feel like
a lie or something.
I don't want to
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If she doesn't want to be with you, what's the alternative?
Pining after her until she changes her mind? Crying about how much you miss her?
Don't be stupid. You're smarter than that. There'll be other girls.
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["what if nobody does, again?" Emo. Emo. Emo.]
I just feel like I don't have a focus
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She was your first. Not your last.
You'll find someone else. Someone else after that, too, probably.
That's how life works.
I can help you find focus.
What do you like to do? I know you like reading. You could write something.
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I just
sometimes things are just... so important to me
she was that thing. before her I was just
[trying to give a ghost a baby, uh]
it's not like a hobby or like. I guess it's a passion
but it doesn't feel like something I can just pick
it just happens. and in between I feel like useless shit
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What were you passionate about before Violet?
[ other than ghost baby. ]
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I used to have to protect my family, I guess
hating my mother took up a lot of my time
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Your mom?
[ he already knows about this, to an extent - the things tate told stiles got relayed back to him, but. not gonna broadcast that. ]
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["If someone makes you feel safe, whether just in general, or maybe talking about something, or if you feel confident in relying on them, they're probably someone you can trust." Something Stiles said to him, that Tate's thinking over. While, ironically, Stiles and Derek are lowkey betraying that trust. IT'S COOL.]
my siblings couldn't always protect themselves.
if I'd done a better job, my brother would've probably still been alive
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carefully, derek navigates another stream, instead. ]
What happened?
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- my mom was a terrible, selfish cunt
- her boyfriend was a spineless fool
- my brother was a nuisance
can you put the 3 points together into a cohesive story
that ends with beau dying? it's not that hard.
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You were only a kid. You're still a kid.
You couldn't have known your mother would do something like that. Wouldn't have been able to stop her if you did.
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[Besides shoot up a school, nbd.]
afterward she just pretended it didn't happen
said he just had an illness. like he
[a pause. boy needs a second.]
like fucking lawrence didnt smother him to death
fucking cocksucker then tried to parent us
I fucking hate that tool
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You would have done more if you knew, but. You didn't.
Not your fault. You're a victim in all of this, too.
I had two sisters. One older, one younger.
Laura and I were both at school when the fire hit. We survived.
We lived together for six years. Recovering. I relied on her more than I should have. She was too young for all that responsibility.
She was murdered. Not long ago.
I killed her killer. Tore his throat open.
I know what it's like. Hating someone that hurt your family.
[ there were motivations behind peter's death that went beyond revenge. reasons why derek killed him that would make him sound less morally reprehensible, if he brought them up. reasons why killing peter was the only way to stop beacon hills from being terrorized, reasons why killing peter would prevent countless deaths. he's not - going to bring any of that up, because what he did was horrible, and he's not going to try to justify it. ]
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[Tate wants to share. Wants to talk. Can't share. Can't talk.
Shouldn't. Shouldn't. Shouldn't.]
before I died
I tried to kill Lawrence too
didn't succeed.
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that doesn't surprise derek as much as he thought it would. he actually just... slowly exhales, feeling his shoulders slump, like he's been waiting for another shoe to drop and it finally has. like he's pulled off a bandaid, rather than been confronted by something new.
tate's dangerous. tate's always been dangerous. derek knew this. it's hard being confronted with that, but it's not as if he can't understand why it happened, and - and he just instinctively, naturally assumes that tate regrets what he did as much as derek regrets hurting peter. he just - goes into this wishing he knew how to ease the guilt he's so so sure tate must be feeling. ]
You felt cornered.
I get it. It's okay.
You've been through a lot.
More than most people.
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he shouldn't have been able to do all that
to hurt so many people.
[Rich, coming from Tate.]
i just couldn't stand his fucking face
smiling and talking about taking us to the theater
after he fucking killed my brother.
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[ a pause. derek doesn't - want tate to keep dwelling on this. talking doesn't ever seem to help tate. just makes him more upset. ]
You said you had more than one sibling?
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i have two sisters and a brother.
well, only addie's still alive.
[eek.]
rose and beau are dead.
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We're alike. I think.
We've both lost a lot. We've both been angry. We've both hurt people.
I know we've already talked about-- trusting each other, and what it means to be pack, and everything else--
But you have to let me look out for you while you're here. Regardless of whether or not you take the bite.
I care about you.
I want your time here to be so much better than it was back home.
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but I trust you already.
it's why I'm talking to you.
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[ that feeling in his gut - the one telling him not to take tate at face value, even now - it's lessening, as time goes on. suffocating, maybe, under all of derek's want to trust him anyway. ]
You're a good person. Know it in my heart.
You deserve a chance to be happy.
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can we hang out?
just us. somewhere.
we can practice or whatever
you can tell me more about being a beta
I just want to be around someone I know
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Come over.
We can go out, if you want, but.
[ how should he phrase "i hate literally everybody and i don't like being in public at the best of times let alone when i'm in a hypersexual city where everybody's fucking everybody else literally all the time". hm. ]
Going out here isn't exactly fun.
There's a beach, right by my house. You've gotta cut through the woods to get there, but. That's fine.
We can hang out there.
Maybe.
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can I
[delay; typing and deleting]
can I exploit you a bit
since you're a dom.
and you can actually buy pretzels?
I can give you money for it
just. man. I really want some fucking pretzels
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