Running's good. Running clears my head. I like running.
[ heavier shit incoming. ]
I don't know. I don't know if I want to be. This is really fucking me up, Tate. I mean, it's your life, and you can do what you want, but this might be too much for me.
and don't tell me I should know that's what people say when they just want you to feel bad I don't understand why some of my decisions are mine to make and why some aren't.
I'm not mad at you. I don't want you to feel bad, either. That's the absolute last thing I want for you.
But you made a decision that I don't agree with. You shouldn't have signed with him. Your decisions are yours to make. Of course they are. But you can't... make decisions in a bubble. Sometimes, the choices you make have consequences. This is a consequence. That's all.
[ he might have. he's gone back and forth on it, but. right now, at least, he thinks he would have said yes. would have found a way to make stiles be okay with it. ]
You had a choice. You're lying to me. I think I watched you die, that night. I watched you get close to dying, at least. However it works for you. I thought you knew you could rely on me, after that. I thought we had each other. We were going to be family. I would have given you everything I had. Anything and everything. I would've been yours, and you would've been mine.
Feels like that was all just in my head. Feels like there's this whole side of you that I don't know about or understand. You're willing to sign yourself away to someone who gets you high and doesn't seem to care about how much you take. Never would've thought you cared more about drugs and parties than everything real I could have given you. So. I don't know you. I don't know what was real and what wasn't. Doesn't feel like I can trust you anymore. Even if I can -
I've seen a lot of people die, Tate. Not just you. I'm not going to sit around and watch you self-destruct. I don't have it in me to do that again.
i'm not lying i didn't. it didn't feel like a choice.
you tell me all about these things you can give me. this feeling i can have with you, this closeness. you tell me you'd be mine and i'd be yours but c'mon, derek? you love stiles. you told me yourself. he'll always be the first person in your life. he should be the first person in your life. i'm second to that. you made it clear i'm here to fill the gaps he can't. you're mad at me for making a choice you didn't agree with because you couldn't control it. is that what you wanted? to just. own me? do you care about me at all?
what if i said no to the bite? would you still want me? or would you sell someone else with the same story, make them part of your pack and replace me. you could do that in an instant and like everyone else, you'd leave. you think i'm too fucked up to stick around for and okay. okay? maybe i don't blame you. you wouldn't be the first.
but don't think you know why i do things. i care about keeping my head clear. about trying not to hurt myself because i don't want pain for an anchor. i don't want blood as an anchor. what if drugs are my anchor? what's the difference. besides the fact you'd take it away from me if you bit me. you saved that fact for last, too. i need the drugs, i need something. you don't know what's in my head and what it does to me.
[A pause.]
i wanted to be in your pack. i was going to say yes. but i'm not yours to shape into some perfect little vision of what you want me to be not if you get this angry with me for not fitting the mold.
[ this is - stupid. he wants to keep calling tate out for lying, but tate wants to keep calling him out for being angry when he isn't, and it just feels like it'd be a shitty cycle of things. ]
We didn't have to be pack. I didn't even know if I was going to bite you. I gave you the offer, told you what it meant, but it was never set in stone. Never knew if I was going to go through with it. I wanted it. I'm not going to lie about that. I wanted you. I still do, stupidly enough. But if you'd said no, or - if it felt like being pack wouldn't have helped you, in the end, then - I wouldn't have forced it on you. I just wanted to help you. I wanted to be closer to you. I thought we were getting there? I thought I was doing all of that. We didn't have to do the training, didn't have to help you find an anchor. We didn't have to do any of it. I'm sorry if you felt like I was forcing you to. I just wanted to spend time with you, and I wanted to make you feel safe, and I thought doing that by sharing my life with you was the best way to show you how I felt.
You were never supposed to... be a stand-in for Stiles. I don't want with him what I wanted with you. I told you that. I wanted you to be my family. There's no competition, in family. No "first person". You're supposed to love your family all the same. This was all only ever about you. Tate Langdon.
[ which - isn't strictly true, but it's true enough for derek to say it without feeling like he's lying. ]
I don't want to control you. Or mold you. That's why I'm saying - your decisions are yours. All of them. I'm worried you're going to get hurt - I'm worried you're already getting hurt - and it's hard to know there's so much less between us than I thought there was. That's why I don't know where we stand, and that's why I'm upset. Not angry.
so you offered me all that and might not have decided to do it?
[No, no - not getting hung up on this. Too many other things to die on.]
you tell me you aren't sure if you can trust me but how can I trust you? it just keeps sounding like you wanted me to do something a certain way or else i don't line up with what you wanted. im not - i don't. i can't do that anymore okay
you haven't even asked me why I signed with Kavinsky what I think of him. what he's done for me. the things that might've made me trust him too maybe it was a wrong decision maybe i don't know what i'm doing maybe i was scared, okay? scared people i like were gonna keep shutting me out
you're going to back away. and so is stiles violet won't look at me. what do I have derek what do i have
That's not what I'm saying... I'm saying that I never wanted to define our relationship by the bite. By what I hoped we could have had. I was never going to sweep the rug out from underneath you by taking the offer back at the last minute. Just didn't want to force you into changing if you ultimately decided you didn't want that. Wouldn't have made you pack, if it's not what you needed. You had the final decision. If helping you the way I was trying to help you wasn't working, then we could have stopped at any time - we didn't have to train, or fight, or anything like that. Didn't have to search for an anchor. Some people aren't made for being wolves. I wouldn't have cared about you any less if you were one of them. I wanted you to be a wolf, but if that's not who you were meant to be - I wouldn't have cared about you any less. Still would have given you everything I could have given you. This isn't about control. I told you that. I've been telling you that over and over again.
[ he can't get out of this without tate thinking he's the bad guy. this is the same shit that's going to happen with isaac - tate's already decided he doesn't want to be close, and he's using derek's uncertainty as a launching point to get out of this as painlessly as he can.
they shouldn't even be talking, at this point. this isn't going anywhere. tate's just scared and bailing and done with him. which... fine. maybe that's for the best. ]
I thought I was making you less scared. Thought you trusted me the most.
[But now he's not so sure anymore. All it took was one fuck up for Derek to get this mad, and it was such a small one. Of all the things Tate's done in his life, getting high's really at the bottom of the food chain. Not giving a shit about living or dying? Maybe he could really work on that but - things change when you're dead. They really change.]
I do. But then it feels like you're leaving and that scares me the most.
[ But that doesn't make sense, because if Tate trusted him, he would have fucking come to him. He feels like he's just circling a fucking drain, here. Like everything he's trying to say just - isn't landing. ]
Do you understand - at all - why this hit me as hard as it did? Like - Can you tell me why I'm upset?
because I hurt myself and you had to watch and you wanted me to do better. but then I signed with K and you think it's just to to get high and stuff. you... you don't like that?
[What else can he recite? He struggles to - find the things that matter because to him, all his actions felt justified. What would offend Derek, he asks himself? As he looks back through their conversation. Feels like deja vu, admitting his sins.]
would you really have said yes to me if i had asked?
[ he doesn't really... have it in him to argue any of the finer points here that tate seems to be missing, but. even if he did... why bother? they're not going to be close again the second tate fully comprehends derek's feelings. derek wouldn't suddenly be okay with everything if he fully understood tate's reasoning behind signing, either. none of this fucking matters. shouldn't have even asked.
tate asks if he'd have signed him, and here, at least, derek doesn't need to hesitate when he gives this answer. ]
Yeah. I still would. Seems a little late to talk about that now, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Rough.
Not normally that bad for me. Still trying to figure out what went wrong.
I was kind of an asshole.
Got me laid, at least.
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was there a full moon during time at the fort?
must be hard to deal with it every month.
it's been stressful. i can imagine it builds up
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[ Granted, his powers were sedated, but. Wow, hey, he suddenly actually doesn't really want to talk about werewolf shit with this prick. ]
You can't have just messaged me to ask about my night.
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[He's not sure why he feels defensive.]
u too busy to talk?
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[ ... salty. hold on, hold on. he knows he needs to dial this back. ]
I'm not.
I want to talk.
Just, you know.
Don't need to talk about me.
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[Are we doing this like this? ugh.]
not much happened.
went for a swim in the pool. first time in a while.
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Okay.
Didn't know you swam.
[ also, he doesn't care about this! he's starting to wonder why he even bothered replying. ]
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track was more important though.
u can't drown in track, too
u can eat shit, though.
[This feels weird. He keeps typing, solely out of a lack of anything better to do.]
are we still friends?
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Running clears my head.
I like running.
[ heavier shit incoming. ]
I don't know.
I don't know if I want to be.
This is really fucking me up, Tate.
I mean, it's your life, and you can do what you want, but this might be too much for me.
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haven't run in a while. maybe I should.
[But he takes a pause, before tackling this part.]
why?
what part is making it hard?
because I signed with K?
I thought telling you was a good thing
I didn't want to keep it a secret
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[ derek's feelings, he means. not running. running's still dope. ]
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I want to fix it
[...]
and don't tell me I should know
that's what people say when they just want you to feel bad
I don't understand why some of my decisions are mine to make
and why some aren't.
you're mad at me and I don't like it
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I don't want you to feel bad, either. That's the absolute last thing I want for you.
But you made a decision that I don't agree with. You shouldn't have signed with him.
Your decisions are yours to make. Of course they are.
But you can't... make decisions in a bubble. Sometimes, the choices you make have consequences.
This is a consequence. That's all.
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sounds like you're mad to me.
[He - hates this? Fuck.]
I didn't have a choice
what was I supposed to do? Ask you?
you have stiles to take care of
and if u had said no like violet
i don't
i don't know.
i didn't want you to say no
and i didn't want to have to beg you to take care of me
not when i was already taking so much from you.
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[ he might have. he's gone back and forth on it, but. right now, at least, he thinks he would have said yes. would have found a way to make stiles be okay with it. ]
You had a choice. You're lying to me.
I think I watched you die, that night. I watched you get close to dying, at least. However it works for you.
I thought you knew you could rely on me, after that. I thought we had each other.
We were going to be family. I would have given you everything I had. Anything and everything. I would've been yours, and you would've been mine.
Feels like that was all just in my head. Feels like there's this whole side of you that I don't know about or understand.
You're willing to sign yourself away to someone who gets you high and doesn't seem to care about how much you take. Never would've thought you cared more about drugs and parties than everything real I could have given you.
So.
I don't know you. I don't know what was real and what wasn't.
Doesn't feel like I can trust you anymore.
Even if I can -
I've seen a lot of people die, Tate. Not just you. I'm not going to sit around and watch you self-destruct.
I don't have it in me to do that again.
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i didn't. it didn't feel like a choice.
you tell me all about these things you can give me. this feeling i can have with you, this closeness. you tell me you'd be mine and i'd be yours but c'mon, derek? you love stiles. you told me yourself. he'll always be the first person in your life. he should be the first person in your life. i'm second to that. you made it clear i'm here to fill the gaps he can't. you're mad at me for making a choice you didn't agree with because you couldn't control it. is that what you wanted? to just. own me? do you care about me at all?
what if i said no to the bite? would you still want me? or would you sell someone else with the same story, make them part of your pack and replace me. you could do that in an instant and like everyone else, you'd leave. you think i'm too fucked up to stick around for and okay. okay? maybe i don't blame you. you wouldn't be the first.
but don't think you know why i do things. i care about keeping my head clear. about trying not to hurt myself because i don't want pain for an anchor. i don't want blood as an anchor. what if drugs are my anchor? what's the difference. besides the fact you'd take it away from me if you bit me. you saved that fact for last, too. i need the drugs, i need something. you don't know what's in my head and what it does to me.
[A pause.]
i wanted to be in your pack. i was going to say yes.
but i'm not yours to shape into some perfect little vision of what you want me to be
not if you get this angry with me for not fitting the mold.
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We didn't have to be pack.
I didn't even know if I was going to bite you. I gave you the offer, told you what it meant, but it was never set in stone. Never knew if I was going to go through with it.
I wanted it. I'm not going to lie about that. I wanted you. I still do, stupidly enough.
But if you'd said no, or - if it felt like being pack wouldn't have helped you, in the end, then - I wouldn't have forced it on you.
I just wanted to help you. I wanted to be closer to you.
I thought we were getting there? I thought I was doing all of that.
We didn't have to do the training, didn't have to help you find an anchor. We didn't have to do any of it. I'm sorry if you felt like I was forcing you to.
I just wanted to spend time with you, and I wanted to make you feel safe, and I thought doing that by sharing my life with you was the best way to show you how I felt.
You were never supposed to... be a stand-in for Stiles. I don't want with him what I wanted with you. I told you that.
I wanted you to be my family. There's no competition, in family. No "first person". You're supposed to love your family all the same.
This was all only ever about you. Tate Langdon.
[ which - isn't strictly true, but it's true enough for derek to say it without feeling like he's lying. ]
I don't want to control you. Or mold you.
That's why I'm saying - your decisions are yours. All of them.
I'm worried you're going to get hurt - I'm worried you're already getting hurt - and it's hard to know there's so much less between us than I thought there was. That's why I don't know where we stand, and that's why I'm upset.
Not angry.
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[No, no - not getting hung up on this. Too many other things to die on.]
you tell me you aren't sure if you can trust me but how can I trust you?
it just keeps sounding like you wanted me to do something a certain way
or else i don't line up with what you wanted. im not -
i don't. i can't do that anymore okay
you haven't even asked me why I signed with Kavinsky
what I think of him. what he's done for me. the things that might've made me trust him too
maybe it was a wrong decision
maybe i don't know what i'm doing
maybe i was scared, okay?
scared people i like were gonna keep shutting me out
you're going to back away. and so is stiles
violet won't look at me.
what do I have derek
what do i have
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I'm saying that I never wanted to define our relationship by the bite. By what I hoped we could have had.
I was never going to sweep the rug out from underneath you by taking the offer back at the last minute. Just didn't want to force you into changing if you ultimately decided you didn't want that.
Wouldn't have made you pack, if it's not what you needed. You had the final decision.
If helping you the way I was trying to help you wasn't working, then we could have stopped at any time - we didn't have to train, or fight, or anything like that. Didn't have to search for an anchor.
Some people aren't made for being wolves. I wouldn't have cared about you any less if you were one of them.
I wanted you to be a wolf, but if that's not who you were meant to be - I wouldn't have cared about you any less. Still would have given you everything I could have given you.
This isn't about control. I told you that. I've been telling you that over and over again.
[ he can't get out of this without tate thinking he's the bad guy. this is the same shit that's going to happen with isaac - tate's already decided he doesn't want to be close, and he's using derek's uncertainty as a launching point to get out of this as painlessly as he can.
they shouldn't even be talking, at this point. this isn't going anywhere. tate's just scared and bailing and done with him. which... fine. maybe that's for the best. ]
I thought I was making you less scared.
Thought you trusted me the most.
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[But now he's not so sure anymore. All it took was one fuck up for Derek to get this mad, and it was such a small one. Of all the things Tate's done in his life, getting high's really at the bottom of the food chain. Not giving a shit about living or dying? Maybe he could really work on that but - things change when you're dead. They really change.]
I do.
But then it feels like you're leaving and that scares me the most.
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Do you understand - at all - why this hit me as hard as it did?
Like -
Can you tell me why I'm upset?
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and you wanted me to do better.
but then I signed with K and you think it's just to
to get high and stuff.
you...
you don't like that?
[What else can he recite? He struggles to - find the things that matter because to him, all his actions felt justified. What would offend Derek, he asks himself? As he looks back through their conversation. Feels like deja vu, admitting his sins.]
would you really have said yes to me
if i had asked?
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[ he doesn't really... have it in him to argue any of the finer points here that tate seems to be missing, but. even if he did... why bother? they're not going to be close again the second tate fully comprehends derek's feelings. derek wouldn't suddenly be okay with everything if he fully understood tate's reasoning behind signing, either. none of this fucking matters. shouldn't have even asked.
tate asks if he'd have signed him, and here, at least, derek doesn't need to hesitate when he gives this answer. ]
Yeah.
I still would.
Seems a little late to talk about that now, though.
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when my contract ends?
in july.
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