( Before he was Crested, before Tumenalia, he'd given Derek's offer real thought. Not just because of their night in the bar, but because he knows what it's like to be a lone Omega, and for Ethan, a lone Alpha. They'd formed their own pack, just the two of them, but it was enough for Jackson. Here in the city, he had Emma and Bellamy - and maybe even Octavia, but they weren't Pack, not with a capital P. He'd hurt Emma when he'd told her he didn't have anyone in the city, but he meant it how a wolf would mean it.
While every bone in his body is telling him to accept Derek as his Alpha, despite Derek's first round, there are still memories, and doubts holding him back. Emma had told him to not accept it just because he thought he had to. That's not a reason to do anything. Except, living here is having to, and he's sucking at it.
He still has no contract.
At least he's found an avenue he wants to pursue. It passes the time and occupies his mind.
Derek's offer still sits at the back of his mind. The sex is irrelevant, and he chalks it up to the festival. It's not the only sex he had, but it is the sex that doesn't make him throw up in his mouth. Eventually, he'll have to separate responsibility and the loss of control. But, this is only his second month. He doesn't know where Derek is living. He doesn't know if he cares. He likes him, more than he ever did back in Beacon Hills, but is Derek being more tolerable because he wants Jackson as his Beta? Or, because Jackson is better? Different? More deserving?
It's easy to forget how confident he had become in himself. In his relationship. In his life in London. He needs that again.
The question that is irking him is will being a part of a Pack help him towards that goal. )
Do you remember when I asked you for the bite the first time You told me to meet you in your family's ( shitty, decrepit, all words he doesn't need to use adjective-wise in this moment, but they still sit there on the edge of his fingertips ) burned down house Do you remember what happened after?
Edited (i want to murder html) 2019-12-05 03:38 (UTC)
[ When Stiles was here, Derek's need for a pack was as sated as it could be. He had no wolves to run with - Stiles was adamantly human, and Derek loved him for that - but that was never really a problem. He had companionship, he had security, he had the confidence in knowing that someone will always have his back as much as he would always have theirs. There was always this thought in the back of his mind, this worry that would eat at him, this fear that without a real beta, he was as vulnerable as any omega would be - but it didn't mean much. He felt safe. Safe enough to only ever offer the bite twice in his entire eight months of living here.
But now Stiles is gone. The other prospective beta he had in the works, Tate, that's - that's complicated, now, and Derek can't rely on him the way he used to. He saw Boyd's death back home, felt the agonizing ache of him as he said it's okay, it's okay and died in Derek's hands. Erica's - the same. Isaac's gone. Cora leaves. Peter's not an option, not really, wouldn't be even if he were still here. Derek hasn't been this alone since Laura's death.
And then there's Jackson. ]
I remember.
[ He remembers a lot of things. Tearing into the skin and brittle bone in Jackson's hip, pinning him down to the ground while he took the pain that Derek gave him. He remembers tearing Jackson's shirt to shreds, he remembers leaving him in the river in the reserve. They were never pack - neither of them had wanted that. Jackson was a test subject for Derek, who bit him to test out his powers with no real regard to his survival, and Derek, to Jackson, was just a means to an end. And now they're here. A little more grown, a little more willing to see each other as people. Alone together, if only in terms of pack. That has to mean something. ]
You told me it was your turn. Your turn to get what you want. Right?
[ Yeah, okay, he remembers. He remembers taking Jackson to the house, being confused when he remembered the staircase, the walls. He remembers the way Jackson cried, saying I don't deserve this, and he remembers trying to drill a lesson into Jackson, even before either of them really knew why he was doing it. He remembers Scott. He remembers the attack on the house.
Derek takes some time before he replies. ]
Well, you're not begging for your life anymore, are you? Things are different here. What are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say that getting past everything was easy when you were back in Beacon Hills, or Mexico or who the fuck know where. But you're here, and being in your Pack means I need to trust you. Neither of us went about it the right way the first time around, never mind the kanima shit. You tried to kill me, and if you weren't going to, you sure as hell made me believe I was a loose end unworthy of the bite you were offering. And then you bit me, and nothing got better.
But, it was better, Derek. In London.
If I say yes, you do this the right way. You have Pack for the right reasons. If there's a war to be fought, it's our war. We trust each other.
Here, in this city, I trust you. I don't want to be wrong about that.
[ That's not much of a response, and Derek knows it. He dwells on whether or not he wants to open up to Jackson Fucking Whittemore, of all people, but it's - important that they talk about this. ]
My sister had just died. My uncle was the one who killed her. There was this kid - Scott - who was, essentially, an omega. Vulnerable. Easy prey. Dating an Argent. Every time I tried to help him, he accused me of trying to kill him. He called the cops on me when he dug up Laura's grave. And then there was you. Naive and narcissistic. You treated everything like it was just a game. I thought you were stupid. You didn't know how dangerous being a wolf could be. I was scared. Angry. All the time. At you. At myself. At the world. When I became an Alpha, I thought it would stop me from feeling like that. Scared, angry. It didn't. For a while, things were almost worse.
[ and then erica died. and then boyd. isaac left him. there's another pause. he's about to lie a little, but it's for the greater good. ]
I'm not scared here. Not angry. I know better, this time. I know how to be an Alpha, I know how to take care of people. I know how to take care of myself. Trusting me might be a mistake. That's up to you to figure out. But I'm not - like that anymore. Violent and impulsive. Judgmental. I can do better.
( It's not a good response, but the same is true for Jackson.
And then Derek owns up. He owns up to his anger, to treating Scott - to mistreating Scott. Jackson, too, thought becoming something else would make things better but that didn't happen, not because of the bite. Like Derek, things were worse. )
I'm not scared and I was angry, at this city and what it made me do. But, that's what this city does. You've been through it once and I understand it now. I don't think trusting you will be a mistake. Scott McCall trusts you in the future. And I trust you now.
Do better, because I will too.
I'm studying to be a lawyer here so I can make a difference.
And if I didn't actually say it, then yes, Derek. I accept you as my Alpha. I don't know what fanfare comes over text or if I feel any different, but.
Didn't think you had the brains to be a lawyer. Let alone the temperament.
[ No offense. He's joking. Derek's pretty hit-and-miss when it comes to making jokes, though, so maybe that just reads like an insult. Shit. Hold on. ]
I don't know if being a lawyer will change anything. But it's good of you to try. I hope it works out. Let me know if I can do anything too help you.
I'm not going to uproot your life. I'm not going to... force you to live with me, or... force you to give up your goals and aspirations to make the pack your life. I held onto my pack back home too tightly. Things broke. I'm not doing that again. I want you to feel independent. You spent years away from me. Years without an Alpha, as far as I can tell. You survived it. You don't need me to survive. But.
I guess I just want you to know that I'll be here. I'll do everything an Alpha should do. Look out for you, have your back. Protect you when things get rough. There are other people I want in my pack. Wheels are turning. I can let you know if anyone else takes the bite - or I can keep our Alpha/Beta relationship just between us. It's your choice.
No. Tell me. When or if you give it to them. I deserve to know.
My confidence in your house hunting abilities isn't high, but if it's not an abandoned subway station or a burnt down house in the middle of the woods, I'd consider it.
Also, there are others I'm starting to consider my pack, others I trust. I know McCall's Pack was made up of more than shapeshifters. Does pack in your eyes extend to people I trust?
I'm not... like Scott. I can't trust people based on word of mouth alone. If they're important to you - good. Fine. I'm not going to intrude on that. They aren't my pack. But they can be yours.
What do you have against abandoned subway stations? They're enclosed. Safe.
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text » un. whittemore
While every bone in his body is telling him to accept Derek as his Alpha, despite Derek's first round, there are still memories, and doubts holding him back. Emma had told him to not accept it just because he thought he had to. That's not a reason to do anything. Except, living here is having to, and he's sucking at it.
He still has no contract.
At least he's found an avenue he wants to pursue. It passes the time and occupies his mind.
Derek's offer still sits at the back of his mind. The sex is irrelevant, and he chalks it up to the festival. It's not the only sex he had, but it is the sex that doesn't make him throw up in his mouth. Eventually, he'll have to separate responsibility and the loss of control. But, this is only his second month. He doesn't know where Derek is living. He doesn't know if he cares. He likes him, more than he ever did back in Beacon Hills, but is Derek being more tolerable because he wants Jackson as his Beta? Or, because Jackson is better? Different? More deserving?
It's easy to forget how confident he had become in himself. In his relationship. In his life in London. He needs that again.
The question that is irking him is will being a part of a Pack help him towards that goal. )
Do you remember when I asked you for the bite the first time
You told me to meet you in your family's ( shitty, decrepit, all words he doesn't need to use adjective-wise in this moment, but they still sit there on the edge of his fingertips ) burned down house
Do you remember what happened after?
no subject
But now Stiles is gone. The other prospective beta he had in the works, Tate, that's - that's complicated, now, and Derek can't rely on him the way he used to. He saw Boyd's death back home, felt the agonizing ache of him as he said it's okay, it's okay and died in Derek's hands. Erica's - the same. Isaac's gone. Cora leaves. Peter's not an option, not really, wouldn't be even if he were still here. Derek hasn't been this alone since Laura's death.
And then there's Jackson. ]
I remember.
[ He remembers a lot of things. Tearing into the skin and brittle bone in Jackson's hip, pinning him down to the ground while he took the pain that Derek gave him. He remembers tearing Jackson's shirt to shreds, he remembers leaving him in the river in the reserve. They were never pack - neither of them had wanted that. Jackson was a test subject for Derek, who bit him to test out his powers with no real regard to his survival, and Derek, to Jackson, was just a means to an end. And now they're here. A little more grown, a little more willing to see each other as people. Alone together, if only in terms of pack. That has to mean something. ]
You told me it was your turn. Your turn to get what you want.
Right?
no subject
I remembered it from my nightmares. Because when you intimidated me you pierced my neck.
Do you remember you weren't going to bite me? I begged for my life. Then, you bite me and I still find myself begging for my life.
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Derek takes some time before he replies. ]
Well, you're not begging for your life anymore, are you? Things are different here.
What are you trying to say?
no subject
But, it was better, Derek. In London.
If I say yes, you do this the right way. You have Pack for the right reasons. If there's a war to be fought, it's our war. We trust each other.
Here, in this city, I trust you. I don't want to be wrong about that.
no subject
I'm not the same person I was back then.
[ That's not much of a response, and Derek knows it. He dwells on whether or not he wants to open up to Jackson Fucking Whittemore, of all people, but it's - important that they talk about this. ]
My sister had just died. My uncle was the one who killed her.
There was this kid - Scott - who was, essentially, an omega. Vulnerable. Easy prey. Dating an Argent.
Every time I tried to help him, he accused me of trying to kill him. He called the cops on me when he dug up Laura's grave.
And then there was you. Naive and narcissistic. You treated everything like it was just a game. I thought you were stupid. You didn't know how dangerous being a wolf could be.
I was scared. Angry. All the time.
At you. At myself. At the world.
When I became an Alpha, I thought it would stop me from feeling like that. Scared, angry. It didn't. For a while, things were almost worse.
[ and then erica died. and then boyd. isaac left him. there's another pause. he's about to lie a little, but it's for the greater good. ]
I'm not scared here. Not angry. I know better, this time. I know how to be an Alpha, I know how to take care of people. I know how to take care of myself.
Trusting me might be a mistake. That's up to you to figure out.
But I'm not - like that anymore. Violent and impulsive. Judgmental.
I can do better.
no subject
And then Derek owns up. He owns up to his anger, to treating Scott - to mistreating Scott. Jackson, too, thought becoming something else would make things better but that didn't happen, not because of the bite. Like Derek, things were worse. )
I'm not scared and I was angry, at this city and what it made me do. But, that's what this city does. You've been through it once and I understand it now. I don't think trusting you will be a mistake. Scott McCall trusts you in the future. And I trust you now.
Do better, because I will too.
I'm studying to be a lawyer here so I can make a difference.
And if I didn't actually say it, then yes, Derek. I accept you as my Alpha. I don't know what fanfare comes over text or if I feel any different, but.
The answer is yes.
no subject
[ No offense. He's joking. Derek's pretty hit-and-miss when it comes to making jokes, though, so maybe that just reads like an insult. Shit. Hold on. ]
I don't know if being a lawyer will change anything.
But it's good of you to try. I hope it works out.
Let me know if I can do anything too help you.
I'm not going to uproot your life. I'm not going to... force you to live with me, or... force you to give up your goals and aspirations to make the pack your life.
I held onto my pack back home too tightly. Things broke. I'm not doing that again.
I want you to feel independent. You spent years away from me. Years without an Alpha, as far as I can tell.
You survived it. You don't need me to survive. But.
I guess I just want you to know that I'll be here. I'll do everything an Alpha should do. Look out for you, have your back. Protect you when things get rough.
There are other people I want in my pack. Wheels are turning.
I can let you know if anyone else takes the bite - or I can keep our Alpha/Beta relationship just between us.
It's your choice.
no subject
My confidence in your house hunting abilities isn't high, but if it's not an abandoned subway station or a burnt down house in the middle of the woods, I'd consider it.
Also, there are others I'm starting to consider my pack, others I trust. I know McCall's Pack was made up of more than shapeshifters. Does pack in your eyes extend to people I trust?
no subject
If they're important to you - good. Fine. I'm not going to intrude on that.
They aren't my pack. But they can be yours.
What do you have against abandoned subway stations?
They're enclosed. Safe.
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Werewolves don't get sick.
Rats are a healthy and easy snack.
[ kidding. he gets jackson's point. ]
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